Wednesday, November 16, 2016
2016 has been a year of falling. And falling. And falling. And getting up. Today, I felt like maybe I wasn't learning the lesson - that maybe getting up ISN'T the point. I talked myself out of that, but it wasn't easy.
I have had two physical falls in the last couple of months. Yesterday, I took a very bad fall while on a work trip. Like call the EMTs, bleeding, totally scary, still shaky today, kind of fall. And I got back up again. But I am changed.
I realized today that this is how it happens. You fall (physically, mentally, spiritually) and it HURTS. And you are vulnerable. And you have to trust people will help you up. And they do. But you lose a little faith - in yourself, in your ability to cope, in your ability to get up. And then you don't want to take a path that isn't perfectly laid out, that isn't smooth as glass, that doesn't have 100% visibility. It's too dangerous. So you don't take that road. You don't take any road. And then the world gets a little smaller. And so does hope. And faith. And trust.
I realized today that I feel like I am disappearing. And that is unacceptable. But I don't know how to stop it. Falling HURTS. And I have been doing it all year. I can't do it much longer and that scares me, too. I am going to take some time to reflect on all of this. I have been ignoring some signals and I guess the real point is that I can't ignore them any longer.
I think I might be visiting here a bit more often right now. This is kind of a good place to reflect on some things.