Monday, May 29, 2017

Soul Stirrings after a Literal Fall

"How do we forgive ourselves for all the things we did not become?" 

I wish I could claim this powerful sentence as my own, but I have to give credit to Doc Luben, a poet I found somewhat accidentally in the echo chamber of my Facebook. Here is the full poem.

I have a lot more to say about this but I don't have words today. My heart is stirring today for lots of reasons. I hope I'll come back and work through it. Or share. For now, though, I'm just going to leave it here so it doesn't eat away at me.

That is all.

Sunday, April 30, 2017

Finding My Voice, Again

In the last three months, several people have asked me about the blog - my sorely neglected blog. First, I had no real idea that anyone out there really was paying much attention to me out here in the blogosphere. Secondly, I think it must be a sign as I have been feeling a little lost recently. Which is strange, right? I have so much in my life - I am so blessed. At the same time, even in recognizing my blessings, I sometimes feel like I am losing my own authentic voice. Not through any means of oppression or anything nefarious. Just that I am generally representing the voice of others. Which I love. How could I be an interpreter and not appreciate that I have the opportunity to amplify the voice of folks who may not always be heard without an avenue simply because of language barriers?

No, the real reason I feel like I am losing my voice is just that the stories and thoughts that I have stay internal most of the time. It's my own sense of propriety that creates this weird imbalance. At the same time, that I have been asked, that I have felt like I need to express myself...these two things in combination are enough to nudge me gently in the direction of the blog. I had originally switched to Facebook for my meandering thoughts, but again, I feel that is a place where the stage lights are bright. This, too, is the internet - if someone wants to find me, they can. But they have to look. And be purposeful. Facebook is a different animal. So, I'm back. Who knows how often. Who knows what I will do or say? I just feel compelled. I still have stories to tell. I still have art to do. Books to read. Thoughts to work through.

So, let's see what happens.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

January 2017

I have two things I'm trying to do this month. Well, that's not true. I have a bunch of things but they are NOT resolutions. They are things I'm trying to do.

So for today, two things:

Read "That's Not What I Meant" by Deborah Tannen for my professional book group that is sort of a 2016 failure. I need to read a little more than 7 pages a day to finish it in January. That shouldn't be too difficult. I hope.

Read " Americanah" by Chimananda Ngozi Adichie for "the art of activism" book group with Patti Digh. I want to work to be a better ally. I need to read 21 pages per day to complete the book this month.

So that's it. That's what I'm trying to do. I'm sure there will be strange new unexpected obstacles but I'm going to find a way. Now, off to read my daily pages.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Falling Hurts

2016 has been a year of falling. And falling. And falling. And getting up. Today, I felt like maybe I wasn't learning the lesson - that maybe getting up ISN'T the point. I talked myself out of that, but it wasn't easy.

I have had two physical falls in the last couple of months. Yesterday, I took a very bad fall while on a work trip. Like call the EMTs, bleeding, totally scary, still shaky today, kind of fall. And I got back up again. But I am changed.

I realized today that this is how it happens. You fall (physically, mentally, spiritually) and it HURTS. And you are vulnerable. And you have to trust people will help you up. And they do. But you lose a little faith - in yourself, in your ability to cope, in your ability to get up.  And then you don't want to take a path that isn't perfectly laid out, that isn't smooth as glass, that doesn't have 100% visibility. It's too dangerous. So you don't take that road. You don't take any road. And then the world gets a little smaller. And so does hope. And faith. And trust.

I realized today that I feel like I am disappearing. And that is unacceptable. But I don't know how to stop it. Falling HURTS. And I have been doing it all year. I can't do it much longer and that scares me, too. I am going to take some time to reflect on all of this. I have been ignoring some signals and I guess the real point is that I can't ignore them any longer.

I think I might be visiting here a bit more often right now. This is kind of a good place to reflect on some things.

Friday, July 22, 2016

BookFest 2017

Here are the treasures that made it through the BookFest selection process. I'm quite proud of my selections and feel very inspired to read these books. I have a goal to start one soon, but I do have the usual show to interpret, full-time job and job "on-the-side" which sometimes puts reading for pleasure on the back burner.

Since last year saw the end to our traditional meal at a Chinese restaurant called Hunan (they closed for good), we went to Thai food this year and it was DELISH!

I know I've been away for a while, and I can't say I'll post here regularly, but I do think I'm interested in exploring what I might have to say now. I feel like I'm in a wildly different place now which is exciting.

For anyone who still checks back, I thank you. I hope to be here more often in the near future!

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Losing My Voice - Literally

2015 has not been kind. It could certainly be much worse, so don't misunderstand my intent here.  With a family member having a medical crisis, I have felt every single moment since the year began. Then there was a storm that knocked down part of the fence between my house and the neighbor's. Then there was a whole "bugs in the mailbox" incident which I won't go into here. I've had a couple of shows, lots of work...lots and lots of work. Recently, someone was getting ready to introduce me to a panel and they asked me, "What do you do?" When I started listing the regular things I am involved in that were related, I stopped at eight. That is too many things.

THEN, a tree fell down in the yard. I guess it was wet and the roots weren't big enough to hold it. I woke up, got dressed to go to work, opened the front door and saw a tree laying in the front yard. My tires on my car are giving me problems - I have to go fill them with air every three days or so.

So, last week, I got a cold that turned into laryngitis. Everyone's answer to that is, "Well, at least you can sign." But when the guy drove into the garbage can this weekend and smashed it to smithereens, I realized that calling the garbage company would be a trick. Or calling the doctor to make an appointment to find out what the heck is going on with my voice. So, when I heard a conversation today about some changes that will be happening in a significant part of my life, it shouldn't be surprising that I FREAKED OUT. I just started crying and couldn't stop for like an hour. Ugh. That didn't help with the congestion I already had. Luckily, I have good friends I could vent to (via text) so I'm feeling better.

I went to the doctor today and it was confirmed - acute laryngitis and upper respiratory illness. I am resigned to 7-10 days of complete vocal rest. It's bizarre how weird it feels. Not being able to speak makes me want to call EVERYONE. I NEVER call people, so the reaction is somewhat unexpected.

Anyway, I'm pondering this turn of events. A lot has happened that I can't really include here, but enough to make me think that I'm supposed to be learning something and taking these opportunities for self-reflection.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

"Tick Tick Boom" and the Past

I think it is such an interesting thing to know that we only really know our own reality. We sometimes have glimpses into other people's lives, worlds, beliefs, but mostly, we have our own experiences and we think they are pretty normal. At least that has been true for me. I never stopped to think about the fact that I spent my younger life in some pretty unconventional ways with some pretty unconventional people. Sometimes, there was danger and luckily, I was too naive to know the reality of those dangers.

As I have been rehearsing for the touring production of "Kinky Boots" and as I went to see Triangle Production's "Tick Tick Boom" (written by Jonathan Larson of "Rent" fame), I have been looking back at some of my youthful life experiences and sort of realizing, not only is my life really, really different now, but I have finally come to understand that my early twenties were fairly a-typical. I'm fine with that as it made me the person I am today. I miss some of the spontaneity of those times as well as some of the wildness. I wasn't really wild, but I was in wild circumstances, at times, and I was able to go with it.  These days, I feel very married to my rules and conventions, my routines, my predictable paths.

"Tick Tick Boom" was a really good reminder of those days. I could especially relate to this song, "Louder than Words":

Why do we play with fire?
Why do we run our finger through the flame?
Why do we leave our hand on the stove
Although we know we're in for some pain?

Oh, why do we refuse to hang a light
When the streets are dangerous?
Why does it take an accident
Before the truth gets through to us?

Cages or wings
Which do you prefer?
Ask the birds
Fear or love, baby?
Don't say the answer
Actions speak louder than words

Why should we try to be our best
When we can just get by and still gain?
Why do we nod our heads
Although we know
The boss is wrong as rain?

Why should we blaze a trail
When the well worn path
Seems safe and so inviting?
How as we travel, can we
See the dismay
And keep from fighting?

Cages or wings?
Which do you prefer?
Ask the birds
Fear or love, baby?
Don't say the answer
Actions speak louder than words

What does it take
To wake up a generation?
How can you make someone
Take off and fly?

If we don't wake up
And shake up the nation
We'll eat the dust of the world
Wondering why, why

Why do we stay with lovers
Who we know, down deep
Just aren't right?
Why would we rather
Put ourselves through Hell
Than sleep alone at night?

Why do we follow leaders who never lead?
Why does it take catastrophe to start a revolution?
If we're so free, tell me why?
Someone tell me why
So many people bleed?

Cages or wings?
Which do you prefer?
Ask the birds
Fear or love, baby?
Don't say the answer
Actions speak louder than
Louder than, louder than
Louder than, louder than

Cages or wings?
Which do you prefer?
Ask the birds
Fear or love baby?
Don't say the answer
Actions speak louder
Louder than, louder than, ooh

They speak louder
Louder than, louder than, ooh
Actions speak louder than

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Where Do I Begin?

When I was in high school, I used to write a ton when I was unhappy or thinking about stuff or feeling lonely or just experiencing the usual teenage angst.  When I was happy, when I was feeling like life was going my way, there was so much less to write about. Not because it wasn't important, but because I was busy living instead of writing about living.

These days, I find that the same is true. I am finding ways to inhabit my days. Not in any special way, not in super memorable ways. Sometimes, yes. Sometimes, no.  But importantly, I am inhabiting my life.  For a long time, I didn't feel like I was.

I have been noticing this in large and small ways.  One funny thing was that I noticed that for a long time, I didn't really have any pictures of myself - either with people or alone. That seems weird, but in this age of selfies and digital photos, it seemed notable in some way.  Then suddenly, a couple of months ago, in some moments of extreme joy, photos started appearing. Smiling, happy photos. Photos where I am me and not afraid to show my true self. I know it sounds a little narcissistic. That's not my intention. I just felt like I disappeared for a while. And now, I'm back.

Friends, life is good. It isn't always easy. It isn't always fun. But life is good.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Good Times - Ashland 2014

 Christopher Robinson, Todd Agan and I at the Bowmer after interpreting "The Sign in Sydney Brustein's Window". Intense show, intense experience. Fantastic. Makes me miss being "just" an interpreter.

Monday, March 24, 2014

I Wonder

Is it really such a bad thing to see the world through rose-colored glasses?

I should read up on the origin of the saying...

Vulnerability in Sharing

I realized at some point that I did not feel comfortable sharing all the little things that make me happy. Or all the thoughts that travel briefly through my mind and then leave again. Half the time, I think "who cares about what you have to say?" and the other half of the time, I don't want other people to be privvy to my inner most thoughts.

Fickle, right?


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