Making a Difference

I am currently engaged in a couple of projects trying to make a difference in the world. It hasn't been easy for a number of reasons, but it is discouraging, for sure.

So, I found this quote from a Nike Ad (I think I have posted this before...maybe somewhere else...I'm not sure):

"All your life you are told the things you cannot do. All your life they will say you're not good enough or strong enough or talented enough. They'll say you're the wrong height or the wrong weight or the wrong type to play this or be this or achieve this. They will tell you NO. A thousand times NO until all the NO's become meaningless. All your life they will tell you NO. Quite firmly and very quickly. They will tell you no. And you will tell them YES."

I don't know why, but when I read that, it made me feel a little better.

Manic Monday

We got an extra night free at the beach, so we stayed over last night and drove home this morning. It was a really nice drive - not too rainy, good company. My swallowing thing still happening all day, though. Not fun. By the end of the day at work, I was feeling pretty dehydrated and yukky. I finally got some water and some soup down tonight, so it seems like it's all good for now.

I got home a little while ago and I feel like CRAP. I have a temperature and other bad symptoms that I won't share here. I'm going to bed.

Esophogeal Spasms Suck

At lunch today, I had my intermittant esophogeal spasm and I couldn't eat or drink anything for the rest of the day. I thought I had brought my magnesium for the weekend, but it didn't make it into my suitcase, so PRESTO! Spasm.

Basically, what happens either when I'm stressed out big time from a specific event, or stressed out over time or talking about something like work or a problem, if I eat, my esophogus freezes up and until I can completely relax every muscle (EVERY ONE) in my body, I will not be able to swallow ANYTHING. Not even water.

When I take my magnesium regularly, I'm less likely to have this happen, but I can NEVER talk about work when I am eating. Hopefully, it will go away after a good night's sleep. Most of the time, it doesn't last for more than a couple of hours, but I have had it go on for up to 3 days. That gets scary because I can't drink water or take ibuprofen or any medication or anything.

The best thing about today is that we watched "Yentl". I love that movie. It made me want to sing.

Welcome to Moth Village!

We are staying at a very sweet house in Manzanita. It is very windy out tonight and it has been raining on and off. There are two bedrooms, lots of windows, a fireplace and LOTS OF MOTHS.

Last night, when I finally climbed into bed, I pulled a pillow away from the other side of the bed and started reading. A couple of minutes later, out of the corner of my eye, I see a fluttering movement. After I leapt out of bed, I see that it is a moth. I remove it from the bed and notice that there is a moth on the wall above the bed... This morning, when I got up, I realized that the dark marks on the curtains in my room are actually like the burned on carcasses of moths...and that there are moths everywhere.

Kevin invited me into his room and we both lay in bed and read...and then I found the little moth carcasses laying on his floor. EW. They are HUGE moths and there are a bunch that NEVER move and some that flutter all around the house. One particularly large one in the living room has been dubbed Mothra.

Honestly, I have been trying not to think about it. We have listened to some great music, read a lot, talked a lot and watched a couple of movies. We went into town today, explored some of the stores. I bought some art supplies - can't wait to use some of them! Good clean fun.

A Short Excursion - Manzanita Awaits

I'm off to the coast for a little R and R with my friend Kevin. He have been tring to make this work since July, so it was nice to finally have a chance to go.

Beach, movies, naps, chatting, possible windstorm...who knows what will happen. :)

Bone Tired and one more day to go

It has been a loooong week.

I had dreams of going to see "New Moon" tonight - for about a minute, but then I knew I would sleep through the whole thing. And I don't really have time.

But the good news is that I'm going to the BEACH with Kevin. I'm stoked. It couldn't have happened at a better time. I am ready to relax again...sad - it hasn't been that long since I was on vacation, but it feels like forever.

Ahhh, beach. Reading. Friends. Mmm. Good.

Paralysis

Some stuff has happened recently that I can't really talk about here, but I feel a little paralyzed - I keep getting up and moving and working and doing all the stuff I have committed to, but internally, I am having all these doubts. I can feel the anxiety level rising daily. I think I am handling it pretty well, but I can almost feel my hair graying almost overnight.

I think one of the issues right now is that I have been engaged in the Life is a Verb Telecourse and as I think about the ideas and practices we are discussing/exploring, I am finding more and more that there are some parts of my life that are out of alignment with who I am and what I want out of life. Unfortunately, I don't really know how to change some of those things and I'm not sure I should/could/would. That creates all this tension - thinking about being out of alignment and what that means. Does that make me hypocritical? Or just a realist? Am I supposed to be learning the lessons I am presented with in these situations or am I supposed to move on to finding the lessons in places where my values and beliefs are more aligned with the situation I'm in? Is there a way to do both - to find my "true north" and still swing from the same trees, so to speak?

I am finding that I am sinking into the comfort of my age - knowing who I am and being comfortable with that in many ways. At the same time, there are many parts of my life, my goals, my dreams that remain unexplored. I guess I just keep moving forward. I don't think that I'm ever going to save the world or win a Nobel prize, but I know that I have much to learn and much to contribute. I just have to take some more time to find some of the questions for these odd answers I'm getting.

Love Love Love

I love my "Live Your Wild and Precious Life Now" telecourse. We only have a couple of calls left, which I am sad about, but I think we have developed a community that will continue to communicate and support each other.

I will miss them.

Planning the future

I have decided to take several art classes during winter term - there are a few at Portland Community College that I am interested in. One is about exploring creativity, one about creating a visual journal and one is about collaging and taking time for yourself - using art to help you do that.

So, I'm signing up for them. This week. I haven't been able to do it because registration is only during regular business hours and I'm always at work, but I have the CRNs and all the pertinent information, so I'm almost there.

I can't wait! I have been wanting to do this for a long time. Join me, if you want!

Huh? and double HUH?

I have been working on the internet and doing stuff today and I turned the TV on for a little noise. Watching the end of the "2008 Ironman World Championships" on some local channel, I keep tearing up. Folks who have overcome personal tragedy, physical barriers, emotional trauma...It was moving.

Weird for me, in some ways, to be crying over people I've never even heard of...but it is like the Olympics - hearing people's personal stories and knowing they have gone through so much to be where they are.

What a Sunday afternoon. :)

AND THEN...

I started watching figure skating. It is always hard to know which event and even for which year. The sportscasters are talking about qualifying for Vancouver, so it is probably a fairly recent event...called, "Cancer.net's Skate America".

I'm not kidding.

I had to stop what I was doing and listen to them say it more than 3 times before I actually realized that the sponsor of the event...was cancer.net. Doesn't cancer.net have a much better cause to sponsor? No offense to figure skating, but...shouldn't the money go to...um...cancer?

I'm not even sure what to say. When stadiums first started being named for corporations, I didn't know that Staples Center was named for the STORE Staples...I thought it was the last name of someone or...the town it was in...or...something. The Blue Cross/Blue Shield stadium just doesn't have the right ring to it that say, "Yankee Stadium" or "Wrigley Field" has. But really? Cancer.net's Skate America? I had to turn it off.

The Joy Diet: Laughter

We are in the home stretch of this journey with "The Joy Diet". I must admit it has been a bit of a struggle for me to keep up, but it is because of the barriers that I continue to perservere. All the things in my life that are pulling me away from this book and practice are the things that tell me I need to be paying attention to this book all the more.

So, for laughter - one of the best things the book says about laughter is, "The more stressful, dangerous, baffling, or unpleasant your situation, the more important it is to laugh at it." I know this is true, but sometimes laughter isn't easy to come by in those situations.

I like the idea of a LPD (laughs per day) Quotient. Seems like it makes sense to take little laugh breaks. There was also a list of ways to ensure that you laugh enough - reading funny books, watching funny TV programs, visiting funny websites, going to comedy clubs, etc.

One of the things I am most proud of is that often, people who I engage with socially will end the evening saying, "I love hanging out with you. I always laugh so hard my stomach/sides/cheeks hurt." It makes me so happy to be able to make people laugh. Their joy makes me laugh. It is infectious and healthy. I consider that one of my greatest talents/gifts. Wow. I just realized that. I have known that in my head, but that was the first time I ever wrote it out like that. Making people laugh is a gift. A gift I love giving. Hmmm. I have to think about this. Maybe this relates to my post for Play...

I think I'm done now...I have to go laugh and think.