New Graces

Well, what started with a bang this year petered out quickly - my newfound commitment back to the blog.  I have decided not to flog myself out of guilt. Instead, I will carry on, forgive that I have some barriers standing between me and what I am wanting to do and say. I am working through them, but it takes time. Treating myself with less compassion than I would give to another seems senseless and hypocritical.

This year, I am trying out some of the advice I have dispensed to others. "Physician, heal thyself." Right?  I'm working on it.

Seventeen Years Ago

I know that people often misunderstand my need/desire/insistance to remember Roby every year on the day that he died. I still remember that fateful morning in such detail - I can tell you where we were seated, the blanket that I held, the quilt that the people brought from the mortuary. I can remember the sounds, the sights, what we said, what we did, the wrenching sobs I couldn't hold back.

But that really isn't what this day is about for me anymore. It was about that for a few years, when the wounds were still too fresh and raw and burning. Now, I have scars that sometimes bother me or feel tight.

On this day each year, I remember that life can change in an instant. That a person can be here one day and be gone the next and we still have to get up and walk around as if we didn't just lose a part of ourselves. On this day, I remember Roby Starns. So many times, he said to me, "Don't forget me. I'm afraid no one will remember me."

Although I am far from the only person who remembers him, it is my duty, in friendship, to be the most loyal rememberer, the most dedicated. I have not forgotten. I will not forget. Ever. I do not beat my chest in agony any longer. There is just an ache, almost like my heartbeat, always there, sometimes loud, sometimes so quiet I have to stop breathing for a second to hear it.

I remember Roby Starns.

WildRumpusing Turns Five Today!

What a journey! Five years ago, I was going through a hard year missing Roby and had just hired someone at work who talked to me about her blog. I didn't really even know what I was doing, but I started WildRumpusing as a place to vent, to remember and to find myself. I have done a lot of exploring here and I hope to do some more. Things have evolved over time and this year is no different. I hope to jump back into my art explorations and take some more photos. We'll see where this leads me Thank you to all who come here and support me in this endeavor. I am eternally grateful to you! Love and cheers!

Blogoversary Tomorrow!

Somehow, with the changes in Daylight Savings Time and Time Zone issues, the Blogoversary counter says that today is the day. It is really January 7. This is year 5 of WildRumpusing! I faltered a little bit in 2012 and I didn't make the 365 posts for the year, but I decided that I wasn't going to get down on myself about it or apologize up and down for not writing. I have been happy with my engagement here, for the most part, over the last 5 years and apparently, I needed a break for a little while. It feels good to be back and I think I have more to explore and share here this year. Thanks to all for sticking with me and supporting me over the past few years. I look forward to another year of epiphanies, explorations and exclamations!

Loving Musicals Now

I wanted to share this lovely version of "Will Someone Ever Look at Me That Way" from "Yentl".  This is Audra Macdonald's version - stunning.

Back to the Journal?

I have a jillion things to do.  My reward for doing a few of the major things on my list is that I will do something creative - maybe do some art journaling again.  I have been missing that connection with my thoughts, with creating something unique and tangible.  The play of color and visual imagery and thoughts.  It has been too long.

My hands are itching to get glue and paint on them again!

Ahhh, Done

I have been working on "Book of Mormon" recently and the show was tonight.  It went very well, it was very crowded and I was pushed WAY outside of my comfort zone with some of the content.  Interpreting is such a challenge sometimes, but the beauty is that I am conveying story and words and concepts that are NOT MINE.

My biggest treat now that I'm done?  I get to go and see "Les Miserables" again without feeling any anxiety or guilt!

Back to the Norm

After 11 days off, I went back to work today. It was really hard to get my brain moving at the right pace, in the right space.  The funny thing is that I really do enjoy working - I like interacting with people, I like the challenges, problem-solving, etc.  I miss interpreting every day, but I'm not confident enough to interpret in the environment I'm in - out of my comfort zone.

At the same time, I realized yesterday (again) that there is such disincentive to take time off in chunks that are larger than a day or two.  First there is the whole getting-used-to-having-time-off thing.  Then there is the catching up part.  Sometimes, after returning to work, I feel like the first day erased the whole thing.  It doesn't really - but it definitely puts a dent in it.  The good part is that my reactions are more relaxed when I come back from time off.

I thought about my word (HEART) today and how to infuse that in my work, my life. Didn't do much about it as I am working on a show.  I think a sub-word is ENGAGE.  I'm trying to find ways to re-engage and engage more deeply.

Starting the New Year Off

I love this song and video by Phillip Phillips (I'm not sure I'm spelling his name right...). It has a nostalgic feel to it - something I can't quite define for myself...but I love it. Enjoy - "Home"

2013 - Year of Heart

I am giving myself permission to change my mind later...but I have been ruminating about the word I would select to focus on for 2013. I have chosen HEART. I don't think you can really go wrong with a word like that, although I almost always doubt myself on activities like this. This year, I am starting small - I am going to be doing Ali Edwards "One Little Word" course. It feels do-able - more so than some of the daily projects I attempted this year. I still have those on the radar, but I have to move through some other activities first, it seems. Anyway, Happy New Year to all. I hope you had a safe and joyous celebration to bring in the new year. May you all have a year full of heart.