“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” ~Winston Churchill
I should have taken my lunch today...I didn't. I meant to and then suddenly it was 5:00pm. It was all I could do to stick it out for the full 8.5 hours...I don't know why.
That's not true. I do know why. I feel restless. I want to clean everything and throw everything away. I want to just start all over again - clean slate. Not just at work, but everywhere.
I feel like I have lost my ability to focus, to stay tuned into anything for longer than 10 minutes. I'm worried that I did all this thinking and writing and wondering for the last 33 days and when it all comes down to it, what did I accomplish? Did I change? Did my perceptions change? Did I pick an easy way out? What should I have chosen to do? Did I sabotage myself? Can I just maintain until the 37 days are done? What will I do after?
I realized tonight how fractured my life is and therefore, how fractured I feel. I have my full-time job, where I earn my living and get my benefits. I have my creative jobs, I have teaching (not right now), and I have my (ahem) personal life. In some ways, all of these things are intricately tied together - in that they are all about interpreting, interpreters, providing services to Deaf people, etc. But I feel unfulfilled personally, creatively. I love doing this blog and I have all these thoughts about art and music and photography. I feel such a longing for beauty and creativity - for books, poetry, writing, theatre. And I don't do it.
What is wrong with this picture? What am I doing? I feel like I'm holding my own head underwater. It isn't anyone else...what am I afraid of? What could life be if I could just DO IT. Whatever it is.
I don't even know where the person is who was capable of all that stuff. I feel like I'm losing myself in some ways. This 37 Day Challenge has helped me see myself- in some good ways and some less good ways. I think this realization is the one I have been afraid of having. This kind of river of dissatisfaction flowing through me...questioning what I'm doing, where I'm going. I knew I would find myself, but in finding the person I want to be, I see her across an ocean of who I am.
I don't even know how to talk about it rationally. I just have this ache in the pit of my stomach. It hasn't gotten better - it has gotten deeper. I have to figure out what I need to do to ease it. Wow. So much work to do. Every step I take, I see the road just get longer. I guess when the road ends, so do I, so I should be grateful. I am grateful. I am. Just tired.