Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Day 33: Journey On

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” ~Winston Churchill 

I should have taken my lunch today...I didn't.  I meant to and then suddenly it was 5:00pm.  It was all I could do to stick it out for the full 8.5 hours...I don't know why.

That's not true. I do know why.  I feel restless. I want to clean everything and throw everything away.  I want to just start all over again - clean slate. Not just at work, but everywhere.  

I feel like I have lost my ability to focus, to stay tuned into anything for longer than 10 minutes.  I'm worried that I did all this thinking and writing and wondering for the last 33 days and when it all comes down to it, what did I accomplish?  Did I change? Did my perceptions change?  Did I pick an easy way out?  What should I have chosen to do?  Did I sabotage myself? Can I just maintain until the 37 days are done?  What will I do after?

I realized tonight how fractured my life is and therefore, how fractured I feel.  I have my full-time job, where I earn my living and get my benefits.  I have my creative jobs, I have teaching (not right now), and I have my (ahem) personal life.  In some ways, all of these things are intricately tied together - in that they are all about interpreting, interpreters, providing services to Deaf people, etc.  But I feel unfulfilled personally, creatively.  I love doing this blog and I have all these thoughts about art and music and photography.  I feel such a longing for beauty and creativity - for books, poetry, writing, theatre.  And I don't do it.  

What is wrong with this picture?  What am I doing?  I feel like I'm holding my own head underwater.  It isn't anyone else...what am I afraid of?  What could life be if I could just DO IT.  Whatever it is.  

I don't even know where the person is who was capable of all that stuff.  I feel like I'm losing myself in some ways.  This 37 Day Challenge has helped me see myself- in some good ways and some less good ways.  I think this realization is the one I have been afraid of having.  This kind of river of dissatisfaction flowing through me...questioning what I'm doing, where I'm going.  I knew I would find myself, but in finding the person I want to be, I see her across an ocean of who I am.  

I don't even know how to talk about it rationally.  I just have this ache in the pit of my stomach.  It hasn't gotten better - it has gotten deeper.  I have to figure out what I need to do to ease it.  Wow.  So much work to do. Every step I take, I see the road just get longer.  I guess when the road ends, so do I, so I should be grateful.  I am grateful. I am.  Just tired.  

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