I'm reading a book about Starbucks Culture called, "It's not about the Coffee". It is about leadership and how Starbucks has cultivated an "authentic" leadership model...I only know one person who works for Starbucks, as a manager, and MAN! Do I want to have her as my boss...
Anyway, as I was reading along, the book asked this question (paraphrased here): If there were not criticism, who would you be right now?
What a loaded question... There are so many ways to answer it... from way back when when criticism and judgement first started taking affect or from the perspective of today - knowing what I know now...
So, if suddenly, judgement and criticism disappeared, who would I be right now? I think I would still be an interpreter. Probably Freelance. I would just take the jobs I was comfortable with and I wouldn't worry so much about everyone in the situation. When I was freelancing, I became consumed with worry that I was doing a disservice to the clients...Did the Deaf person understand me? Was my English good enough for the hearing people? What was my team thinking? Would they want to work with me again? Why did they hire me in the first place? Would they hire me again? What if they didn't?
Consequently (and there were other factors, as well), my income began to decline. The more work I got, the more I felt like maybe I wasn't "all that" and who was I to take all those jobs when there were lots of better interpreters out there. Ironically, I have never felt that way about my theatrical work. I feel pretty confident, but also, theatre is low stakes. No one is going to die if I interpret "Clam Bake" badly.
If I was free of judgement and criticism (self-generated and otherwise), I would already have written novels and books of poetry. I don't really write much in that way anymore, but I miss it. I think my heart is still there, but I have a lot of layers of self-protection piled up on top of it. I know that this blog is one step closer to that part of my life, although I don't write "like that" here...Maybe someday. Just stretching the muscles of writing is a good start. And to keep it up this long. I'm actually kind of proud of myself. I wasn't sure if I would be able to keep up this running conversation with myself...but it hasn't been too bad.
Anyway, that's what I have been thinking about in my tiredness tonight. Better than crashing on the couch in front of the TV, right?