Tuesday, December 31, 2013

What to Do

On Thanksgiving, it came to light that it was necessary for me to remove myself from a specific relationship because it is toxic.  On the surface, the event itself could be seen as an argument, but when you look more closely at it, it was, as I characterized it in a previous post, an unprovoked attack.  To reinforce my thinking, everyone who was present was not only blindsided by the attack, but were also attacked one after another, although I was the first and did not witness the others. I just heard about them later.

Suffice to say that things were said by this person that were not "heat of the moment", "said in a moment of anger" kinds of things - they were age-old accusations and recriminations held over the course of a lifetime, many of which don't actually have anything to do with me but are damaging and hurtful nonetheless.

So, a few days after Thanksgiving, the person sent me a brief and awkward apology via Facebook. I struggled to reply and decided that I had no reply. It was not my intention to make the person squirm, but not only do I not believe their apology, I am not prepared to forgive them or accept the apology. Ultimately, I did not respond to them as I felt I was not ready to do so.

Tonight, another missive came via Facebook. I am torn because I do not have any interest in continuing a relationship with this person. At all. We were not close before, so I'm not passing on something that I will regret for the rest of my life.  In fact, I have felt a sense of peace that I do not have to deal with the person at all and have looked forward to the absence of this tension in my life. On the other hand, I know that to continue in this manner hurts other people.  Originally, I submitted to superficial movements and approaches because I felt it was the right thing to do for other family members. It has been a challenge and Thanksgiving was just the final straw for me.  Now, I don't really know what to do. I know what I want to do, but I don't know if that is the right thing to do. It is right for me, but not everyone involved.

I want to be a better person, but I'm not sure I can.  I'm not going to put any time-pressure on myself to make this decision, but it has been on my mind tonight since I got the other note.  Am I looking to be right or to be happy?  Are they the same thing in this instance?  Who would I hurt if I decide to sever ties? Who would I hurt if I decide to reestablish some kind of superficial relationship with strong boundaries? Maybe I'm overthinking it. Maybe not. What to do...

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