Friday, September 25, 2009

The Joy Diet: Nothing Report

15 minutes is not a lot to ask of myself, for myself.

When I look back on the week, there is a part of me, the surface part, that wonders why I can't embrace Nothing. There are truths about the week - it was the first week of a new term and I had to prepare for the course that I interpret and the course that I teach.  I hurt my back this week and I have spent much of my reading and Nothing time sleeping, trying to heal my body. I have a show coming up, so I had to rehearse and spend some time with my script.

All of these things are true, but when I really stop and look at it, I think that I am afraid to really embrace Nothing.  This dance that I am doing between the life I have built and the life I am seeking - this pulling together of two diametrically opposed pieces, is a difficult, complicated, scary dance. When I went on vacation in May, I was amazed at how easily I unplugged, let go of everything - and have struggled to be back on pace since coming back.  

Deep down, I think I am fearful that putting down all the threads, even for a moment, will be a glimpse into a life and a practice that I don't want to give up.  If I put down some of the threads, I know I won't want to pick them up again. What does that mean?  If I have defined myself by those threads, by the activities and the "success" that I have attained, what does it say about me that I just want to leave them. Not tied, not threaded somewhere else, not anchored or cared for.  If I could just walk away, feeling no guilt, feeling no worry that the Universe would take care of it, I would.  What does that say about me?  What does that mean for my life?  Who would I be - would I be different than the definition I have for myself?  Would it be such a bad thing?

It probably sounds like I'm beating myself up - I'm not.  I have to think about these things. That is part of who I am and how I work. I know that I am headed in a new direction and I am happy about that.  It was just really interesting to look at how threatening Nothing can be.  How scary Joy can be.  I'm simultaneously sad that Joy can be so scary, but thrilled to be on the journey TO JOY.  Accepting Joy when it comes, creating Joy, is a state of mind - an active choice.  Choosing Joy takes practice.  That can't be bad. I just have to exercise those muscles. I can't be a Joy Champion after a couple of weeks.  But I can pick up the 5 lb weights and start the conditioning.


  1. What a positive week of nothing you had!! You may not have sat for 15 minutes each day and done "nothing" but you acknowledge the fact that you are perhaps afraid to do this, afraid of what might come to you from the "silence" in your mind. That's leaps and bounds into knowing yourself and being able to discover the joy in your life.

    I think you are already halfway through truth with this knowledge! Well done...and I will be interested to see where you are at the end of this book and what decisions you make about your life, past and future. The middle is a scary part -- where you are right now with changes. And with your wonderful positive attitude of being ready to pick up the 5 lb. weight and start the conditioning you are headed for joy!

  2. I did not take it as you beating yourself up at all, and you are right we do have to look at these things. I also have a hard time stopping, I don't want to be alone with my own thoughts! Thanks for sharing.

  3. How very interesting... I think that it might be time to put down some of those threads. I am so excited for you - this entire post is hinting at big (and joyful!) changes ahead for you.

    Embrace them and enjoy them! If this is the insight that "Nothing" gave you then I think you are well on track. :)

    Maree xxx

  4. how fabulous. i love your week of nothing. it's really amazing how much nothing can truly transform us.

  5. I too can see the fear of wanting a new life. But I have learned to be content with this one. I wish you the best. Thank for stopping by. See ya next week.

  6. It's good to get to know another INFP. Always questioning. Trying to find the right path for this time. "What next?" is scary, but so important for the soul. I hope you are able to find your nothing this week.

  7. WOW - my jaw is on the floor. I really related to this post!! I am in transition,too, and I understand your feelings about letting go of the success that has defined you. I keep asking myself if I am truly following a new calling or if I am squandering the gift I have been given. Thank you so much for the honesty of this post - it has opened my eyes to why I might be having such a hard time quieting my mind.

  8. oh, girl, there are some powerful words in your thoughts about setting down the threads. you've raised an interesting that i think i will explore myself, as well.

  9. Wow, it's taken me days to work down the list of Joy Dieters, and I'm so glad I made it to your post! So much potential in your words. I think your experience of nothing has blended magnificently with this week of truth, and I look forward to being a witness to your wings unfolding! :)



Blog Widget by LinkWithin