15 minutes is not a lot to ask of myself, for myself.
When I look back on the week, there is a part of me, the surface part, that wonders why I can't embrace Nothing. There are truths about the week - it was the first week of a new term and I had to prepare for the course that I interpret and the course that I teach. I hurt my back this week and I have spent much of my reading and Nothing time sleeping, trying to heal my body. I have a show coming up, so I had to rehearse and spend some time with my script.
All of these things are true, but when I really stop and look at it, I think that I am afraid to really embrace Nothing. This dance that I am doing between the life I have built and the life I am seeking - this pulling together of two diametrically opposed pieces, is a difficult, complicated, scary dance. When I went on vacation in May, I was amazed at how easily I unplugged, let go of everything - and have struggled to be back on pace since coming back.
Deep down, I think I am fearful that putting down all the threads, even for a moment, will be a glimpse into a life and a practice that I don't want to give up. If I put down some of the threads, I know I won't want to pick them up again. What does that mean? If I have defined myself by those threads, by the activities and the "success" that I have attained, what does it say about me that I just want to leave them. Not tied, not threaded somewhere else, not anchored or cared for. If I could just walk away, feeling no guilt, feeling no worry that the Universe would take care of it, I would. What does that say about me? What does that mean for my life? Who would I be - would I be different than the definition I have for myself? Would it be such a bad thing?
It probably sounds like I'm beating myself up - I'm not. I have to think about these things. That is part of who I am and how I work. I know that I am headed in a new direction and I am happy about that. It was just really interesting to look at how threatening Nothing can be. How scary Joy can be. I'm simultaneously sad that Joy can be so scary, but thrilled to be on the journey TO JOY. Accepting Joy when it comes, creating Joy, is a state of mind - an active choice. Choosing Joy takes practice. That can't be bad. I just have to exercise those muscles. I can't be a Joy Champion after a couple of weeks. But I can pick up the 5 lb weights and start the conditioning.