Wednesday, January 9, 2008

I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I'm living...

So different now from what it seems... (Les Miserables)

Ah, maybe it isn't really *hell*... just so different and not special. I always thought I would live this spectacular life and drown myself in the joy of my passions and the people I love. Not so much.

When did everything become drudgery and sameness? I used to be a freelance interpreter and it seemed so glamorous - doing something different every day, meeting new people, going to a different place 10 times a day - being my own boss. It wasn't all that in real life, but it wasn't so mundane. People always have one of two reactions when you tell them you are a Sign Language Interpreter - "Really?! That's fascinating... how did you learn? why did you choose that? my second cousin's brother's dog was deaf and we taught him to fingerspell..." or "Oh. Huh. So, anyway...." then silence. It was a game to see if I could guess which response people would give. Now I could say, "I'm a manager." Whoo hoo! THAT'S SPECIAL..NOT.

It isn't so much that I'm down on my job.. that's not what I mean to say. My job is certainly anything but boring, and yet it is numbing in its monotony. Even the chaos is predictable in its own endearing way.

I'm really talking about the drive to live and laugh and love and discover and be passionate. I know that missing Roby always puts me in this place of evaluating my life. Would he be proud of me? would I even be where I am if he were still alive? Why haven't I pursued all the things I promised myself - and him - that I would?

He would probably laugh at me and tell me I was being a dumb-head. Which I am. He didn't care about any of that stuff, really. Or maybe he did deep down inside. I know when he got HIV, he gave up all of his own dreams. He didn't believe he would live long enough to make any of them happen. I gave up mine, too, in exchange for him. It was worth it while he was alive. Now, I just wish had one or the other. Instead I just wish. I don't have the dreams or the drive and I don't have Roby to push me into doing all the crazy things I would never do if left to my own devices. I took one of those adventure scale tests and I got a ZERO. I took it again and I got like a 2 or a 1...I was horrified that I was that NOT adventurous. But I'm not. It is true.

I decided that I want to write again. I want to tell his story and my own. I don't know if I can do it justice, but I want to try. That's why I'm here...I think this is a good thing - this blog. I look forward to it every day. I'm awed by the blog material out there...there are so many amazing people out there - talented, funny, thoughtful. I love that.

I guess I will end with another "Les Miserables" quote and go watch some "Buffy":

"To love another person is to see the face of God." I have seen it.

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