As I was driving today, I felt his spirit with me in the car.
We always drove together and sang together in the car. Sometimes we would just drive around and sing, no particular purpose - we just felt good singing and being together. Sometimes, he would sing the words wrong and it annoyed me, but I never said anything.
I remembered picking him up at the downtown Meier and Frank, in the turnout. He was usually waiting there with his bag, in his suit - so dark and handsome - always the best dressed. He would see me and his eyes lit up, he would throw his bag in the back and get in, give me a kiss and a hug. I always said, "You smell good. What cologne are you wearing?" He would laugh and say, "Kouros." I never remembered the smell. It was almost like it changed depending on his mood. Now I wear it. It makes me feel close to him.
I'm going to spend the afternoon with his mother. I know that she and I are the last to really recognize the day for what it is.
I went into Starbucks today to get a drink and I sat down as "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?" was playing. A few songs later, "Fast Car". I remember how he always challenged me musically - introduced me to new stuff - Everything but the Girl, River City People, Rick Astley, Madonna, Culture Club, Jodi Watley, Dead or Alive, Sade...I was resistant to new music - I like the familiar. He always made me listen and I always fell in love with the new person, too. I decided to try new music regularly to honor that part of our relationship.
God, I miss him. Still.
I listened to "Fast Car" when I was driving away (I bought the CD that they were playing) and cried silent, lonely tears. "Maybe together we can get somewhere...anyplace is better...and we were driving, driving in your car, speed so fast I felt like I was drunk, city lights lay out before us and your arm felt nice wrapped around my shoulder and I, I, had a feeling I could be someone...be someone..."