Sunday, May 6, 2012

Realization about Success

This will be brief.

I had a powerful realization during this period of not succeeding with VerbTribe. I realized that it is SCARY to be doing exactly what you want to be doing, knowing that you may or may not be good at it or happy at it or love it like you always thought you would.

I have always wanted to write. Since I was little. I was a voracious reader from an early age and it just made sense that I would write. My family always said that I would be the writer and my sister would be my illustrator. I took it for granted that I would write. In high school, I wrote for the school newspaper and I wrote poetry (for the first time in my life) for the literary magazine. I wrote every day. I wrote notes, poems, stories, essays. I wrote and read. Then I stopped. And it has been a long time.

When I started with VerbTribe, I was so uncomfortable. I could feel the dissatisfaction with my life bubbling up and it scared the crap out of me. I wasn't enjoying my work, I wasn't enjoying anything. This was literally within DAYS of starting the class. Then I got scared - what if I can't write anymore? what if I want something and it won't work out? what if? if? And then I stopped. And I felt guilty. And relieved at the same time. I know guilt. I understand it. I can manage it. Doing exactly what I came to this world to do...not so much. And I knew it while it was happening. And I never could catch back up. So, I am going to do VerbTribe of one...accountable to myself. I'm sad about it all, but at the same time, I needed to experience this to understand it. Humans are complex, huh?

Not as short as I thought it would be. Thanks for hanging with me.

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