I am nearing the end of a commitment that has been enjoyable, but has been pushing me ever closer to the edge in my life. My work is complicated enough, but this added piece is too much for me to handle right now. The main part is done and I have a few loose ends to tie up, then I will be done.
In the next few weeks, I am looking forward to doing some more art journaling, reading some books for pleasure and going to a couple of movies. I am looking forward to some down time that doesn't have an overlay of guilt/responsibility wrapped around it.
Today, I asked for help. For those of you who know me in real life, you know how big of a deal that is. I would rather die than have people think that I can't do something. Unfortunately, I have been about as close to that as I want to be. Physical manifestations of stress are not new to me (migraines, hives, crying daily - all ways I have seen my stress manifest itself). Right now, I have a cold that I can't shake (since before Thanksgiving), today I had the shakes (internally and externally), crying easily, complete exhaustion. My hair is getting grayer and I think some of it is coming out when I comb it (more than usual). I have always been able to deal with stress, but I realized today that stress + responsibility for other people = hyperstressed. When I am in control of my own destiny, my own outcomes, that is one thing. Being responsible for other people, accountable even when you aren't physically there - that is harder.
It is all a part of the great lesson in life that I'm supposed to learn. Sometimes, it is easy to recognize the lesson. Other times, the lessons are less clear so I have to work harder to learn them. I think I'm on the other side right now, but who knows. Tomorrow is another day.