I think it is fascinating that I am willing to forgive most people for most things but I rarely forgive myself for even the smallest offenses. When I read the quote from Hanna Arendt above on the sidebar of my blog, it really struck a chord in me.
My sense of responsibility for myself, my work, my speech, my thoughts, my actions, everything...it has always been so strong. Sometimes it is overwhelming. If I were a more studious student of psychology, I think I would put it all down to having an overdeveloped SuperEgo. Before I was a manager - when I was only responsible for myself and my own life and actions, I think I had this whole tendency *slightly* more under control than I do now. Being a manager heightens my awareness - suddenly, I am responsible for things I never even knew about, in addition to all the things I am actually, ultimately responsible for.
I realized that this switch of responsbility cannot be turned on or off at will. I can't walk out the door of my office and suddenly feel carefree. I can't just relinquish thoughts that I needed to get this done or that done or that I didn't do something perfectly or that that one person didn't understand my directions so therefore... I wish there WAS a switch. The responsibility switch. I need it.
So, for today, I forgive myself for not being perfect. I *KNOW* perfection is IMPOSSIBLE. I KNOW IT. But I can't get the expectation out of my head. Today, I am not perfect in ANY WAY, but that's ok. My imperfections make me who I am. Right?
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