Fear Steals Joy

Disclosure

So, I have really been struggling recently to bring something fresh and interesting here to the blog. I have been frustrated with myself and wondering what is happening and yet, a bit paralyzed in terms of changing it.

This year started so strong for me - I had classes and projects and plans and then I got overwhelmed and fell into my usual "If I can't do it perfectly, then I won't do it" pattern. I hate that. And I hate that I know it because you can't un-know yourself once you have figured out a pattern. That doesn't mean you won't still fall into the traps and pitfalls but, for me, it means I'm madder at myself for it because I KNOW.

Here's the other thing - I have a friend who is always posting all these photos and sayings on Facebook. A lot of them are about being kind to ourselves and letting go of perfection. In my heart, I understand and agree with those ideas. But in the part of my brain that controls most of my day, I feel like giving myself a break is laziness or weakness. Like maybe what they are talking about isn't THIS. I know it probably sounds crazy, but that's where it is right now.

I think I will set a goal for myself to complete one of my classes that I started at the beginning of the year. I have been reading more (yay!), so I have made progress on that front. I think I just overwhelmed myself with too many things. I need to go step by step on one thing at a time. I realized recently that online classes with discussion groups are a bit overwhelming for me. I have to learn how to balance it all out.

Anyway, a lot of this has been floating around in my brain and finally gelled a little bit tonight, so I thought I would just put it out there.

Hovering on the Edge

I'm feeling like I'm hovering on the edge of something. I'm not sure what it is, but hopefully, it is good. Just feeling that squirmy feeling I get when something is going to shift.

I'm hoping it will be something that spurs me to get creative. I think I just need to start. I have been putting up barriers and I know I just have to kick through them to get where I need to go.

Thanks for hanging with me. :)

Frozen in Place

I don't know why this year has been so difficult to get going on things. I have so many things happening, so many things I want to do and then I get overwhelmed by my own plans for myself and...nothing.

I guess I need the space of not doing to lead to the doing. Or maybe I'm just scared of it all. Scared to fail. Could be a strange mix of both.

I don't want to be frozen. I have to warm up and move my feet - there is a big world waiting for me and lots of good things to do.

Realization about Success

This will be brief.

I had a powerful realization during this period of not succeeding with VerbTribe. I realized that it is SCARY to be doing exactly what you want to be doing, knowing that you may or may not be good at it or happy at it or love it like you always thought you would.

I have always wanted to write. Since I was little. I was a voracious reader from an early age and it just made sense that I would write. My family always said that I would be the writer and my sister would be my illustrator. I took it for granted that I would write. In high school, I wrote for the school newspaper and I wrote poetry (for the first time in my life) for the literary magazine. I wrote every day. I wrote notes, poems, stories, essays. I wrote and read. Then I stopped. And it has been a long time.

When I started with VerbTribe, I was so uncomfortable. I could feel the dissatisfaction with my life bubbling up and it scared the crap out of me. I wasn't enjoying my work, I wasn't enjoying anything. This was literally within DAYS of starting the class. Then I got scared - what if I can't write anymore? what if I want something and it won't work out? what if? if? And then I stopped. And I felt guilty. And relieved at the same time. I know guilt. I understand it. I can manage it. Doing exactly what I came to this world to do...not so much. And I knew it while it was happening. And I never could catch back up. So, I am going to do VerbTribe of one...accountable to myself. I'm sad about it all, but at the same time, I needed to experience this to understand it. Humans are complex, huh?

Not as short as I thought it would be. Thanks for hanging with me.

Living with Intention

One of the things I have realized about my resistance to finishing projects is that it *is* resistance.  I have a lot of fear of success, fear of failure, fear of not knowing if I'm doing it "right", fear of doing it wrong, fear of not being liked, fear of being liked...you may have heard this before...

I know that when I was following along with VerbTribe (I'm still determined to get back with the program), I got scared. Scared that I would find out that something I believed about myself my whole life would be untrue (that I was meant to be a writer), scared that I WAS meant to be a writer (which means I've been doing it all wrong), that I'm supposed to be a writer and it is okay that I'm not just doing that all the time (will I suddenly become dissatisfied with my life?)...so I withdraw.

It is a pattern. I can see it. I'm hoping to start to peel the layers back and look at this pattern, start moving some of the pieces around and see what can happen from there.

No Shame, No Apologies

Well, okay, maybe a little...but I'm trying to get past it.

I went back to my VerbTribe group last night trying not to feel guilty or behind or embarrassed that I fell "behind".   There was love and openness and welcoming. I'm going to take that and battle the rest.  I am fighting some mighty demons with this writing stuff, so I need all the help I can get.

Thank you, Rumpusing Friends, for your support, too.  Kindness never goes to waste.

Returning to the Fold

I spent much of the day today trying to gather the information for all the VerbTribe activities I have missed in the last days...I gathered them all, made a plan and am ready to go.  I will never be perfect, much as my brain thinks I want to be. I'm not even close to possibly being perfect at any point EVER.  I know it. I'm really okay with it. I just have to face it pretty regularly.

I'm excited to get my behind in gear and scared, too.  Showing your soul is not easy, you know.

Don't Feed the...

This was posted on my Facebook and I thought it was perfect for me. I think I need a giant 8X10 foot poster on my wall. :)

Embarking on a New Journey

Well, friends, I know we have been here before...and I have dropped the ball a few times.

Tomorrow, my VerbTribe course starts. I'm nervous and excited and scared that I will poop out on this journey as I seem to do sometimes. I did set myself up for success this time - this is the only course I'm taking that is time-bound. I don't have another project or show that I'm working on.  I don't anticipate too much chaos at this time.  That's about all anyone can ask, really.

I know that when I fall down on some of my classes/journeys, it is often about resistance and fear. I'm working on it. I working on facing fear, on breaking through the real and perceived barriers. Usually, the main barrier is ME. My brain is a pretty sneaky enemy sometimes, but at least I know it.

Wish me luck, Fellow Rumpusers. I don't think I will need it because I am determined to see this through and walk through the fear and anxiety of exposure and commitment.  I know I am in good hands.

Prepping for VerbTribe

Go to the website...

One more day and then we start...April 4 - May 10...I'm nervous, but excited. I have a few supplies to get and some courage to gather.  It is going to be good and probably life-altering, no matter what happens.

Days 13 and 14 of 30 Days of Get Your Art On

I know I have not been great about getting my pictures posted daily recently. With the show and long work days, I have a hard time getting good photos sometimes at night, so I have to put it off.

Crappy photo, I know.  This is the inside cover of the new journal. I decided that I was going to put whatever I wanted on this page and the next (in terms of celebs, pics I have used before, etc.). I think this journal started out as something I wanted to do differently.  

This is the next page in the first spread of the new JOY 3 Journal. :)

this page is a little too much for me. I started with the black and white designs on the left side and had a hard time after that, so I just decided to experiment.

Cool Oprah quote. :)

This is the spine of my new book. I made it from the J.O.Y. art journal workshop techniques. If you want to know more, go here.

 

 

I will say that as I was playing around yesterday, I felt like I'm not doing the ART part which is why I used "art-y-ness" because gluing photos down isn't exactly the height of being artistic. I think I'm sort of afraid of the art part. That's the "different" purpose of the new journal - I want to try some different stuff and not be worried about messing it up. :)  We'll see. Maybe I'm just a gluer. I'd be okay with that. I enjoy it. That's what it's supposed to be about.

Reverb 10 - Day 18: TRY

December 18 – Try What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it? (Author: Kaileen Elise)

This year, I continued to work on my art journaling, but I didn't get far. I got blocked pretty quickly, which was disappointing for me. I think about it all the time. I look at blogs with Art Journaling, buy the "Art Journaling" magazine, buy the stuff to DO art journaling (magazines, paint, ephemera, paper). Finally, I found someone who gave tips and templates to start a newcomer.  I think I tried to start out in the doctorate level with Teesha Moore's style.  Of course, I love her style - it is so eclectic and busy and fascinating and bright.  It is exactly the kind of thing that attracted me to art journaling. Her videos are extremely helpful for learning her techniques and ideas. I also love the 16 page journals she makes.

I found Kelly Kilmer's online class A Life Made by Hand . Kelly's work is equally intriguing and colorful. She offers a class to get people started which is fantastic.    This class provides templates, ideas, examples, videos, and prompts for writing.  I love the idea of the templates to give some experience with trying out new things. I haven't done it yet, even though I paid for the class some time ago. I know my work won't look like hers, either, but she can help me make work that looks like my own and lead me through some ideas about how to compose, which is a weakness for me, I think.

In 2011, I want to try to finish the classes that I joined with Kelly Kilmer. I want to continue this practice of artful expression. It feels really important - soulfully important for balance, for self expression, for color, for everything.  I want to take a couple of live art classes and try going to the little store that is not far from my house called Art on a Lark. I'm a little shy, I think, about working where other people can see what I'm doing, but I have to get over that. I want to continue to learn and to grow my skills in these artful endeavors.

Reverb 10 - Day 2 WRITING

December 2 – Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it? (Author: Leo Babauta)

This prompt is profound and laughable all at the same time. My whole world is made up of things that do not contribute to my writing because I let them...  At the same time, while I have not made my way back to writing creatively (stories, poetry), I have found a home and a community here at WildRumpsing and in the blogosphere. I feel more connected to my writing and to the self-expression I so cherished and nurtured when I was young.  That is very exciting to me. I continue to explore new ways to write, new forms of expression and art and all of the ways I am interested in also include writing and words.

One of the things I do each day that doesn't contribute to my writing in a big way is that I listen to the wrong voices. (Thank you, Jen Louden!) I can eliminate this!  Or at least reduce it.  I listen to the voices that tell me that I am wrong for wanting to spend time writing or creating or enjoying something. I listen to the voices that tell me that I have lost that spark, that drive, that talent that was developing in me back when I was disciplined in my writing practice. I listen to the voices that say that what I have to say will not be interesting to anyone but me and how egotistical of me to think otherwise.

New voices are starting to speak in me now - after much searching, almost three years of writing the blog, after attending the writers' retreat, working through "Creative is a Verb" and "Life is a Verb". Voices that affirm and support and are cautiously optimistic about the new avenues of art, art journaling, collage, photography, etc. that I have been using to reconnect with that creative part of myself. I am trying to listen to those tiny, quiet voices. They are timid and easily scared off, but I am trying to ask the right questions and listen for the answers.

"Walking into Fire" without an Extinguisher

My writing retreat was today.  It was called "WALKING INTO FIRE: Sidestepping Fear, Writing Your Heart Out, and Letting Your Story Tell Itself".  I have been looking forward to this for months...I'm not even sure when I found out about it but it was at least 3 months ago.  If you read my post from yesterday, you know that there was some question about whether or not they had received my payment, if I could get in if they HADN'T received it...AARGH!

I made sure to get there early in case I had to finagle my way in.  When I got up to the registration table, the woman who was there looked me up and my name was on the list. That was almost more puzzling than finding out that my payment hadn't gone through last night.  Now, I'm wondering if Patti saw my FB post and added me so there would be a slot. Then I realized how egotistical that was...so, how did I get on the list?  I asked the registration woman how I could know if my payment was received - she put a note on my name. But I didn't receive any emails...other people got a confirmation AND a note about coming to Kennedy School.

All day, I was trying not to be distracted by thinking about how I can make sure that my payment was received. I HAVE to make sure they got my payment, but they are teaching for goodness sake. I don't want to bother them with something so menial. I know that when I have taught workshops, I want to be dealing with the participants on the topic, not things like "Can you make sure I paid?"  Finally, I decided that I would email the place where the registrations were and just make sure that way.  I don't want to miss out because they were going to provide the participant's email addresses later this week so that we can maintain contact. Once I had a plan of action, I was able to breathe easier and sink into the workshop.

I find as I get older that workshops are less about learning something new and more about deepening what we thought we knew or getting affirmation that what we already know is good.  I did learn a meditation technique that worked for me. I was surprised at how relaxed I felt while doing it. Most of the time, when I have done meditations in workshops, they make you sit or lay on the floor and it either makes me tired or I start thinking, "How long before we are done? I'm uncomfortable." This meditation was different and I liked it. I may continue to try to practice it...

My favorite part of today was that I laughed A LOT.  I also met some amazing women who I hope to continue to know in some capacity.  Erin, Gail, Brigitte, Teresa, Sher and Molly were particularly people I connected with.  Erin and I were talking in the lunch line and I mentioned that I was a sign language interpreter - Molly was a few people ahead of me and overheard "sign language interpreter" - she is an interpreter, too, from Kansas.  We struck up a lovely conversation at lunch time.  Teresa runs a special bed and breakfast in Seattle and writes a blog about recovering her life after the sudden death of her 20 year old son. Erin is a children's librarian in Idaho who has a blog called Sexual References.  Sher is from Michigan and is working on moving to Portland with her two kids to change her career path and possibly deepen a relationship.  I didn't get to know Gail and Brigitte as well because we were partners in different exercises and were focused on the specifics of the exercise. Both these women were gracious and kind.

One of the things the presenters challenged us to do was to take the retreat day as an opportunity to do things differently. They challenged us to come at things from a different approach than our "usual".  I really tried - I noted a couple of things that I was not comfortable to change, but I did try some others. One of the things I decided to do was to be myself - to be open to people.  Sometimes, I feel so shy when strangers talk to me. Yesterday, I made sure to ask people's names, look them in the eye and talk with them. I tried to ask them questions to draw them out. I was open to talking to the women in the line in the bathroom and that is how I started talking to Erin and Molly.  Usually, I just get so uncomfortable that I can't maintain. I judge myself pretty harshly so I have a hard time talking to people sometimes.  Yesterday, I just decided that I could be myself and if they didn't like who that was, they could choose not to stay.

The other way I challenged myself was to participate in the larger group. Usually, I don't ask questions (at work, it is different). Normally, I don't offer my own answers, particularly if it is creative in nature.  The other thing that came up was that I had my own unique response to some of the prompts. One of the questions was what is another word you use for creativity?  The first word that came to mind for me was COLOR.  Then they started around the room and everyone started sharing their words: imagination, freedom, voice, expression, safety, unique, flow, etc.  As they continued to go around the room, I was frantically trying to think of a "better" word - something that would fit with theirs. I didn't connect with their words so I couldn't find one of theirs that I could repeat. Finally, it came to my turn and I said, "Color."  There. I said it. I didn't burst into flames. No one pointed and laughed. It felt right.  Later, we did a free write about our intention for the workshop. Once we were done, we were asked to select one word for our intention.  Again, people had a variety of words for their intentions - all valid, all good, but not MINE.  My word was "RECLAIM".  This time, we just needed to raise our hand if we wanted to share. I waited and listened to many words. The words the other woman used were good, but none of them expressed my thought, so finally, I raised my hand and said my word. Again, no flames, no laughter. It was so interesting - I wasn't judging the other women's words, but I felt I wasn't represented and I wanted that word or something close to it to be in the air for those of us who may have lost our way as writers or creatives.

The experience was rich and deep. I laughed a lot and it made me think and it made me long to find my voice and to say whatever it is that I think I want to say. I'm up for the challenge, I think.  I'm sure I will have more to say once I have processed everything a little more.

**Follow up:  I just sent off my note to check on payment. It is bothering me, so hopefully, I will hear soon so that I can either breathe easy or get it taken care of so I don't feel guilty and a little bit stupid. :)

FWWE Day 5: I am an Artist

Yesterday, I arrived home from work to find my autographed copy of "Creative is a Verb" by Patti Digh.  I have been WAITING for this book to come out since I heard about it.  When I ordered "Four Word Self Help" directly from Patti, she sent me a note saying that she had quoted me in her new book, "Creative is a Verb".  I was so excited.  Today, when I opened the book, to my surprise, the quote was, "Today, I am an artist."  If you read here often, you know that I struggle with claiming myself as an artist. But there it is, attributed to me, in ink. Printed in a book. I must have said it. Which means it is my responsibility to accept it, now. I think I am there. My true, heartfelt belief is that artists/writers/painters/creative people ARE.  They don't have to sell anything or be famous. They just have to do whatever it is that they are drawn to do.

That's one reason I'm so excited for this book. I know that it will help me walk that path because I know in my heart that being all those things is about doing it because you have to, because you love to, because you need to. It is harder to convince my head. My head that thinks too much and judges too harshly. I just need to keep what I know present and close.

I added the picture from Jamie Ridler Studios that I posted about early in September. She created badges that stated things like, "I am an Artist" and "I am a writer" and "I am creative".  I thought it was a beautiful connection - two women I found in the blogosphere who have been instrumental in me rediscovering my own creative voice.  I think that when you get the same message from the Universe over and over in divergent places, you should pay attention. I'm glad I did and I will continue to do so.

I Am a Writer

Read about owning your dreams here.

I write, therefore I am a writer.

 I was glad that the pink one was one I could claim. I AM creative.

I like being a life artist. My life as art. Kind of cool. Art is all around and takes many forms. I can own that I am a life artist, too.

I'm not so ready to say I'm an artist. I'm  working on it. I know it sounds weird, but this one I'm not ready to claim.

Inspiration

I didn't go to class today. I slept and watched some old movies (most of which I slept through at least half of). I did find this website (I had saved it on favorites a while ago): In My Head Studios. These photos were particularly intriguing to me...the colors, the doodle (so I don't have to be a painter or someone who can draw). I also love the use of paper and color in her art journals. Just more fodder for me.

The website above lead me to Lisa Sonora Beam's website. She talks about making mini-journals, which I like the idea of. I'm going to explore that, too. One sentence in one of her posts really stood out and resonated. I'm still digesting it because it is important.

Perfectionism is a form of fear.

Art Block and Storytelling

In all the craziness of the last month or so, I have not been working on my art journals much and I miss them.  I took them out today in hopes that I would feel like I could get back into the process...I feel like I need it to feel human again.  I just couldn't...I felt like I didn't know what to do or how to do it...I think I will re-watch some of the Teesha Moore's videos again to be reinspired. I can hear my inner critic whispering things to me, "Not good enough. That's not how you imagined it. Not an artist."  Those whispers act like a net, catching all the creativity and holding it away from me.

On another creative front, I spent several evenings this week with friends and I felt a similar block in storytelling mode.  All my stories are the same stories I had two years ago, or five. I don't have as many experiences that turn into some funny story and I don't tell the stories enough to keep them fresh.  The art of the story is in the detail, it is in the telling of the specifics that the story comes to life, the fluid movement from beginning to middle to end. Now, I find myself editing the parts that  I am not proud of, or that I think other people will have judgements about. Those silly, painful, embarrassing, less-than-brilliant parts that I want to put away somewhere are the essence of these stories. At the same time, I find that I don't want to just be a silly girl in a funny story - I find some of the self-deprecation difficult sometimes.

I hover between wanting to just create new stories and wanting to embrace the stories of my life and reclaim the details and make sure they don't disappear.  If I don't do something with these moments, they will fade into obscurity. If my stories fade, so do I. We are all a collection of moments and when we share them, we create stories.  Without stories, we are just momentarily present and each fleeting moment goes by so quickly and then it is gone.

It is a strange dilemma I find myself in.  For now, I choose embracing the stories.  Without them, I lose another identity - "The Storyteller".  Without that, I'm not sure I know who I am.

Blog Persona

I have been reading some blog posts over the past few days and I noticed a trend in people talking about their blog persona - whether it be that they felt they had to keep part of themselves back or whether they felt they could let it all hang out on the blog and if people don't like it, they can just not read it.

This whole public journal idea - a place to publish our thoughts where anyone can stop by - is certainly an interesting concept.  I have been thinking about it quite a bit.

In the beginning of this blog, I didn't think anyone would ever read it, so I was really writing for myself and following my own moods and thoughts. Over time, as I participated in various online events and joined groups, my thoughts and moods have changed a bit - the idea that anyone would stop by and read became a part of my reality and something that I am conscious of daily.

I know that I hold back my most private, personal thoughts and feelings here, but I wouldn't write them down in a regular journal either.  There is too much chance in putting things on paper or online or anywhere outside of my own head.  I'm not thinking scary secret thoughts, just the same things that most people think and don't want to say outloud.

I know that some of my private demons are visited here - most notably perfectionism, fear of making a mistake and some doubts about my own skills.  I don't think those things are particularly private and I have made great progress via some of the blogs I read, some of the groups I have participated in and from contact with some of the folks who visit me here.

Thanks for your time and your willingness to go through it with me.  I appreciate it.  I'm sure I will continue to evolve and so will the blog.  I hope you'll stick with me - I'm in this thing for the long haul, I think.