Sensory Deprivation = Relaxation, Right?

A few years ago, if you had told me that I would be craving complete silence and detachment from everything - no music, no light, no talking, I would have laughed at you and inside I would have cringed because all of that seems so...not me.

Yesterday, I was thinking that sensory deprivation was sounding pretty good right about now.  I have that jangly, can't calm myself stress. It is just from not taking some time off in a while. I have had a couple of days here and there, but I haven't really DETACHED from the world this year.  I told someone that I thought a sensory deprivation tank like in "Altered States" without all the drugs and scariness sounded pretty good. Then, I opened up my email and there was a Living Social deal for a FLOAT SPA!!!

I'm a little scared of it, but I bought one...I'm going to try it.  They have one that isn't a pod with a lid and that sounds MUCH more appealing.  Seems like a crazy thing to do, but I'm not a massage person or a mani/pedi person.  I'm thinking that 90 minutes of total relaxation could do me a WORLD of good. If I don't like it, I don't have to do it again. If I like it, they have like memberships. I am imagining that I have a date with the spa on Fridays after work or something.

I'll report back at a later date. I'm hoping it will be sans jangly nerves and eye twitches.

Funky Funk

When I was able to settle in for the evening, I just put some headphones on and listened to music while I played Solitaire on my computer. I have those big headphones that cover your whole ear and block out the world. Sometimes I just need that. Sometimes, I will just start crying and the tears flow the whole time. Tonight, I didn't cry, but I could feel whatever was in my shoulders starting to seep away.

I'm in a funky funk - nothing is wrong. Just not quite "right". So, music really does soothe the savage beast.

Leap Day 2012

We had a "Leaping Lizards - It's Leap Year" potlucky food thing to celebrate Leap Year this year.  Tonight was a get-together with my high school drama friends to celebrate the birthday of Frederic from "Pirates of Penzance" (we did the show in 1984 and one of my friends played Frederic).

So, I had a VIP at work which interrupted my plans for the potlucky thing - I'm not a good multi-tasker... It was a busy and long day and at the end of the day (when I should have been at the get-together), I realized I hadn't had anything to eat or drink since about 7:30am...then I drove to a strange place, my headlight is out, it was raining/snowing and then there was a construction sign over the street sign I was looking for. I  realized I had gone to far when I saw the sign that said, "Now leaving Milwaukie", so I turned around, went to a lighted location to read my mapquest directions. No, I do not have GPS. And my cell phone battery was dead. I turned back and it started to spit snow...as I finally found the place (an hour and a half late), I drove by and didn't see any cars I recognized and the lights were really dim. Paranoid, I think, "What if they cancelled because of the weather or a sick kid or??? I won't know because my cell phone battery is dead and I don't have Facebook on it anyway, which is where the invitation was in the first place. And if the weather gets worse, what if I get stuck? Run out of gas? Have a flat tire?  No one will be able to find me.  I won't have any way to call for help..."  On it went. I couldn't walk up to the door and have them say, "Didn't you get the cancellation?" I just couldn't.

After I got home, ate some dinner, relaxed for a few minutes, I realized that food and water are important parts of the day for a reason.  And a reminder: Always charge your cell phone the night before you go to an unknown location. Duh.

I know all of this. I just forgot. My brain hurts today, but at least I figured it out. More of the same tomorrow so I am loading up on a power bar or two in my purse, a good breakfast set up and I'll be good to go. :)

Here's a little bit from "Pirates" that explains the storyline and Leap Year:

NaNoJouMo Day 2: Just Breathe

Just Breathe seems to be the story of my life this week. I think it is good - I haven't been paying enough attention to that kind of thing and I really do need to be more attentive.  I know that when I get all whacked out like this, part of the reason is that I haven't really been doing anything outside of work to help me keep my perspective.

I'm working on my journal in the hotel even though I should be going to bed. Pictures when I'm back home.

Faster than a Speeding Bullet...?

And now, I am in Tampa.  It is 10:53pm PST so it is VERY LATE here. Rough start to the morning averted by a kind and observant friend who reminded me to BREATHE.  Very timely and gave a sharp u-turn to the rest of the day (if you are reading, THANK YOU AGAIN).

I have a few adventures with planes, but that is best saved for tomorrow when I will have more time and more sleep.

Moving Day, Two

Some of today was good. Some of today was not-so-good. Some was easy. Some was hard. I'm exhausted, but I can't get to sleep.  And people constantly surprise me - in good and bad ways. I guess that's the spice of life, right?

Convergence

All events, projects, jobs, special trips, one-time deals and annual work have all converged into the tiny space of a week and a half.

Next year, I want all of October off, please.

Day of Nothing

I am having a "Die Hard" marathon today. I'm tired and overwhelmed and stressed out.  I watched "Live Free or Die Hard" and slept through "Die Hard with a Vengeance".

Sleep was good. Just what the doctor ordered.

Silly Rabbit, It's October, Remember?

Wow! I'm so stressed out!

I have it under control but just because I have wrangled it within an inch of my life. A lot is going on and I'm definitely feeling it. Today, I got frustrated with myself and then I remembered - it's October.

Then, I went to the Pumpkin Patch for an event. Sadly, I was there alone (not literally - just no one there that I knew), but the people watching (and dog watching) was good.  I knew that as soon as I took the steps towards my car, someone would show up. Sure enough, when I got to my car, there was a message from one of the people with my group. As I had been there for a little over an hour and had not seen a soul, I left anyway, but I felt a twinge of guilt that I didn't go back into the fray - I just couldn't.

I wish I had remembered to bring my camera with me...oh well. Best laid plans and all. Anyway, it's all good.  Standing in the air, breathing, was a good thing.

The October Curse

This will be the seventh October at my job. Every year, October is the hardest month of the year. I have waxed on about this in a bunch of posts - probably even recently.  I warned my new boss that I tend to stress out and that this year, I was going to put an end to it. I know the pattern - it is predictable and therefore, preventable.  October doesn't have to be hell month. Right? Right.  Riiiigggghhht. right?

Yeah. Not so much. 

Let's just say that it is going to be an interesting month and at the end of it there will be "The Month She Took a Vacation". :)  Not vacation for a month, although that is a good idea... 

More to come. 

Dog Days of Summer?

I should go back in the blog and read some of my "end-of-summer" posts and see if I am afflicted in the same way every year.  I'm just feeling unsettled, unfocused. I miss interpreting, but I have lost some confidence since I don't interpret daily. I have been thinking of setting up some kind of practice and at the same time, that feels sort of artificial.

I have been thinking about when I can go to the beach, but we have another show right around the corner, so there is no rest until at least after August 25.  I just want a couple of days at the beach - to reset my inner self. There is just something about the rhythms of the ocean that relax me so deeply.

I have been wanting to also re-enter my reading world - I have STACKS of books that I want to read and my ability to attend to a book is greatly diminished. I just need to stop allowing myself to be distracted by everything. 30 minutes a day is not that hard. I want to get back to that.

Anyway, these are just some of the thoughts I have been having. And art journals, cleaning out the car, how will the downgrade affect the economy, getting up earlier, doing the laundry, etc.  My brain is all over the place lately. It will be fine - it's just a little chaotic right now, but it will settle down.

For now, I will just think beach-y thoughts. :)

Jean, Meet Wall

Stress is not my friend these days. I used to be able to handle it better - now, I just feel like I am being hit by a truck over and over again.

I went to the show tonight after reassuring myself that my mother didn't need anything more from me. It helped relieve some anxiety about the show as the CD and the script are DIFFERENT and the songs are cut up, rearranged and one has even been replaced with an entirely new song.

Mother update: They are keeping her in the hospital to ensure that the antibiotics are working the way they should. Will probably be in a couple more days. At least they are taking good care of her - many times, people get thrown out way before they are better.

FWWE Day 4: Take a Deep Breath

As part of my desire to honor Patti Digh's newest book, "Four Word Self Help: Simple Wisdom for Complex Lives", I decided to take the month of October and intersperse her four word wisdom with some wisdom of my own.  I am calling this month the "Four Word Wisdom Extravaganza" and, to be honest, the four word phrases come pretty easily. Almost too easily, sometimes.

For today, I needed a reminder that I should have more patience. "Take a deep breath" reminds me to stop, breathe in and out and don't automatically jump to conclusions about anything - whether it is something someone else is doing/thinking/feeling or even my own perspectives. Sometimes, my first thought isn't the right one. Sometimes, I have to let things simmer for a little while before I get clear on it.

Abandoning "Parenthood"

On Saturday evenings, NBC has given up actually showing movies or having a Saturday night line up - they usually just show 2-3 hours of "Parenthood".  I tried watching it much of last year as Saturday night is often a night that I am home dinking around the house. I like many of the actors who are on the show and had been planning to watch it since I heard that Maura Tierney was going to be on the show.  When she had to drop out due to a breast cancer diagnosis, I was saddened but I decided to watch anyway.

Over the course of last year, I began to feel the same about "Parenthood" as I felt about "Brothers and Sisters". Both shows have powerhouse casts that should become a good ensemble. There is good chemistry amongst the actors, good premise, good acting, smart writing for the most part but NOT ONE ADULT I could relate to or admire or even LIKE.  "Parenthood" only really has one character on the whole show that I can stand to watch. This is a problem.  I decided I was not going to watch the show this year based on that information.

About two weeks ago, NBC showed three episodes of the show from the end of last season (focused on the character I like). I had the TV on and got sucked into the episodes. That night, I decided to give the show another chance. I watched the first episode of the season - not impressed, but not totally turned off.

THEN, I watched the show this week. Frenetic is the only word that comes close to the feeling that was portrayed on this show. Everyone talks at each other, loudly and in whiny voices, often talking over each other. There is very little to like about any of these people, although they remind you of the most neurotic, passive aggressive and just plain selfish people you have in your life. I spent most of the hour trying to keep my blood pressure under control.  I realized that these folks are too much like some of the people I actually have to deal with in my life and the others are too annoying to invite into my home in the evening when I am trying to relax.

I miss well-written sitcoms, to tell you the truth.  There are so few of them these days. Sitcoms are easier - they are not bloody (CSI) or disturbing (Law and Order:SVU) or soap opera silly (Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice).  A smart, funny comedy allows your mind to relax, think about something else and laugh. That's what I want in a television show. It helps me understand why people like so-called "reality" shows - at least most of those aren't stressful. In fact, last night, as I was watching the new "Hell's Kitchen"  episodes I taped this week, I was a little jealous of Gordon Ramsey - he gets to throw things, swear, yell at people and throw them out.

If you want to watch "Parenthood", I highly recommend you watch the movie. Steve Martin, Mary Steenburgen, Rick Moranis, Diane Weist, Jason Robards,  Keanu Reeves, Joaquin Phoenix (then Leaf),  Harley Jane Kozak, and a few other notables. The movie was funny, sweet, moving, gentle. The characters had foibles, but they were a family that loved and supported each other through all their trials and tribulations. There is an element of frenetic-ness, but Mary Steenburgen has a calming influence as the matriarch who stands in her gentle power and the love she has for her family.  This is what I was looking for in the television show, since it was "inspired by" the movie.

Dream, Dream, Dream

Okay, so I saw "Inception" last week (which is about entering dreams)and that might contribute slightly to the strange dreams I have been having lately, but they started before that.

I believe I wrote a post about a dream where I had to climb up a steep embankment and then try to squeeze through a tiny space to enter then place I was going. I have been having dreams like that regularly for the last month or so...last night, I not only had a dream about having to crawl through these tiny, dank, dark tunnels to get anywhere, but I also had a dream where I had to walk on these wooden plank-like structures everywhere. It was like two pieces of narrow wood made up all the floors and walkways and if you didn't keep your balance, you would fall down into the unknown.

These dreams are really disturbing and when I wake up, I feel distressed. I know they are processing my stress load - I have always had dreams that are pretty clear about that.

When I was in high school, I had two major stress dreams - one was of all my term papers and English papers. I used to type them and leave them on our dining room table for my mother to proofread. The dream would be like a video camera coming out of my bedroom, walking down the hall, focusing on the paper and a GIGANTIC BIC pen (black ink) was scribbling out all the pages. I mean a human-sized GIGANTIC BIC pen. The other dream was of a big monster dog with red eyes chasing me.  As my stress level increased, the dog got bigger and bigger until the last time I had the dream...

The last big dog dream, I was still driving my little yellow VW Dasher.  My friends and I were over on 185th (near the high school) and Jason of "Friday the 13th" fame was chasing us.  We jumped into the car and tried to start it. It wouldn't start and wouldn't start. Finally, as Jason was upon us, the car started and we pulled out onto 185th headed towards the high school.  Just as we were almost free and clear, the GIGANTIC black dog with RED GLOWING devil eyes jumped in front of my car and bent its head down to look into my windshield and growl.  Then I woke up.

So, I know I have a pattern of dealing with stress through my dreams, but I have to say that these constricting dreams are NOT GOOD.  They really make my heart pound and I can see in some of my real life that I am having some difficulty with crowds and crowded places. I hope I can deal with this and get rid of the darn dreams.

Update on the Freak Out

Well, even though I had to get up at 4:45am to go to work today (which is actually getting up YESTERDAY in my world), I am feeling calmer and better today.  I worked all day and got quite a bit accomplished and then I came home and took a 2 hour nap and I am feeling much better.

While I have a couple of things I need to do this weekend, my overarching goal is to do a couple of things that are solely for enjoyment. It has been pretty stressful since the end of February and I pretty much tossed out all the things I do to de-stress - not consciously, but I realized it this week as I was floundering in anxiety.

I'm going to work a little in my art journal, maybe read some, watch a movie. Who knows? I might even leave the house. :)

Anyway, I think my freak out is over for the time being. Maybe it was a holdover from the antibiotics. hee hee

Well, That Won't Work

I was going to give you the Top 10 Most Played Songs in my iPod, but I left it in my car and it is too late for me to go out and get it as I am already in my pajamas.  I thought maybe I could recreate it, but I only know the most recent album I have been listening to on it, so that one is going to have to wait.

I couldn't settle on a writing prompt either, even though I went here to get one. It all just seemed too profound or too pretentious for me at this time of night.  I have a bunch of ideas for things, but I wasn't in the mood for any of them.

Today, all day, I have been freezing cold.  When I mentioned it to someone at work, they looked at me as if my head was on fire and said, "Are you sick?" because I am not usually cold AND because, apparently, it had been warm in the office all day but I hadn't really noticed.  When I got home today, I wrapped up in a blanket and put some blankets on my feet - you know when you get really cold in the winter and you heap blankets on until they are so heavy you can feel the weight of them pressing down?  Like that. I took a nap and when I woke up, I could tell that my feet were warm on the outside, but I am still cold.

So, I'm going back to my mummy wrap to warm up. I think it is just exhaustion catching up with me.  I do pretty well in a crisis, but then you have to mop me up afterwards.

Tough Week

This week has presented a number of challenges and I am emotionally exhausted from it, hence my lack of words.

On a happy note, this Saturday is my friend's annual Chinese New Year party, so I will get to go and see her and hopefully some of my other friends. We don't always get together on a regular basis, but we usually gather at the party.

On Thursday, I interpret "Legally Blonde: The Musical" which is very catchy and peppy.  I like the music and it has a good message. My friends from Cali are coming on Thursday and then we are spending the weekend playing!  That will be fun!

For tonight, I'm still breathing in and out and I'm ready to hit the hay. That's all you can really ask sometimes.

Light in the Tunnel - No Trains, Please

I am nearing the end of a commitment that has been enjoyable, but has been pushing me ever closer to the edge in my life. My work is complicated enough, but this added piece is too much for me to handle right now. The main part is done and I have a few loose ends to tie up, then I will be done.

In the next few weeks, I am looking forward to doing some more art journaling, reading some books for pleasure and going to a couple of movies. I am looking forward to some down time that doesn't have an overlay of guilt/responsibility wrapped around it.

Today, I asked for help. For those of you who know me in real life, you know how big of a deal that is. I would rather die than have people think that I can't do something. Unfortunately, I have been about as close to that as I want to be. Physical manifestations of stress are not new to me (migraines, hives, crying daily - all ways I have seen my stress manifest itself). Right now, I have a cold that I can't shake (since before Thanksgiving), today I had the shakes (internally and externally), crying easily, complete exhaustion. My hair is getting grayer and I think some of it is coming out when I comb it (more than usual). I have always been able to deal with stress, but I realized today that stress + responsibility for other people = hyperstressed. When I am in control of my own destiny, my own outcomes, that is one thing. Being responsible for other people, accountable even when you aren't physically there - that is harder.

It is all a part of the great lesson in life that I'm supposed to learn. Sometimes, it is easy to recognize the lesson. Other times, the lessons are less clear so I have to work harder to learn them. I think I'm on the other side right now, but who knows. Tomorrow is another day.

Treading Water

The tip of my nose is barely above the water. My arms are flailing frantically, not the smooth, easy stroke of a practiced swimmer but the panicked flapping of someone who fears metaphorical drowning.  There is no particular thing to blame or to point to or to fix. This is cumulative drowning. I know that in a day or a week, I will break the surface of the water and I will be able to draw deep, cleansing breaths and know that it will all be ok.

I am trying not to panic. I am trying to remember all the things I have to be grateful for. I am trying to remember that this will not matter in a year or maybe even a month. It isn't easy.

So, my defense mechanism is to want to curl up and sleep all day. Or do art and stay at home. I don't want to choose all the normal, every day things. I want to choose differently. But all my choices have lead me to this place. It is where I am. Wishing doesn't change anything, and it doesn't need to. 

I think it is strange how fear backs up on me sometimes. Old stuff. Old thoughts. Mostly, I fight it off, but sometimes, it creeps up on me and grabs the oar and steers me offcourse. I will get back. It's just that dog-paddling is slower than actual swimming.  I think it is the flailing.

Anyone have noseplugs?