Paralysis

Some stuff has happened recently that I can't really talk about here, but I feel a little paralyzed - I keep getting up and moving and working and doing all the stuff I have committed to, but internally, I am having all these doubts. I can feel the anxiety level rising daily. I think I am handling it pretty well, but I can almost feel my hair graying almost overnight.

I think one of the issues right now is that I have been engaged in the Life is a Verb Telecourse and as I think about the ideas and practices we are discussing/exploring, I am finding more and more that there are some parts of my life that are out of alignment with who I am and what I want out of life. Unfortunately, I don't really know how to change some of those things and I'm not sure I should/could/would. That creates all this tension - thinking about being out of alignment and what that means. Does that make me hypocritical? Or just a realist? Am I supposed to be learning the lessons I am presented with in these situations or am I supposed to move on to finding the lessons in places where my values and beliefs are more aligned with the situation I'm in? Is there a way to do both - to find my "true north" and still swing from the same trees, so to speak?

I am finding that I am sinking into the comfort of my age - knowing who I am and being comfortable with that in many ways. At the same time, there are many parts of my life, my goals, my dreams that remain unexplored. I guess I just keep moving forward. I don't think that I'm ever going to save the world or win a Nobel prize, but I know that I have much to learn and much to contribute. I just have to take some more time to find some of the questions for these odd answers I'm getting.

Love Love Love

I love my "Live Your Wild and Precious Life Now" telecourse. We only have a couple of calls left, which I am sad about, but I think we have developed a community that will continue to communicate and support each other.

I will miss them.

Holiday Madness Approaches

I can feel the onslaught of the holidays creeping up. My friend Todd wrote a post about the encroaching commercialism on his blog, RumpusMax. Basically, we skipped October and jumped straight to December. It kind of boggles the mind.


My deal is that I don't need any more stuff, and I'm pretty sure that most other people I know don't need it, either. How do I reconcile that thought with the American belief that the way we show caring is by buying a lot of useless crap that folks don't need and will stuff away in a bag until they know you are coming over to visit. Last year was exciting because I gave out a ton of copies of "Life is a Verb" which made me very happy. This year, I have yet to find the quintessential "Jean" gift. I'm hoping to find one...something that is meaningful and conveys care and does not just gather dust.

Wish me luck.

Mad at Myself

So, I snuck off to Manzanita to see Patti read from "Life is a Verb". I got her autograph (posted on 7/16, I believe). I was a little late because I had been at work and not at all sure I could get away in time. At the last minute, I had to give up my computer and left in time to see an hour of the 1.5 hour event.

The whole time, I had been planning to bring my mom to see Patti's reading in Portland at Reed College. A family situation came up and I was not able to go to that reading. But there was still Bend! Saturday, July 25 at 7:30pm.

Um. Yeah. Not so much. The Bend reading starts at 5:00pm. I just went to mapquest to get directions and start my plan to drive to Bend - 3.5 hours away. And the event starts at 5:00pm. If I did go, I would be late again.

I feel all deflated even though I could have gone late. I decided not to. 7 hours total drive time seems like a lot for a 1 hour reading, if I was lucky enough to get there that quickly. I'm sad that I missed her again. Totally my own fault. :(

It makes my trip to Manzanita that much more important. I'm so glad I went.

Birthday Celebrations Continue

I met Patti Digh today. She signed my book. :)