Today and Tomorrow

Today was a challenge - just facing some demons and living the normal parts of life, too.  Glad that BookFest is tomorrow because I totally earned it this year! :)

I wish I was the kind of person who could shake off anxiety - the anxiety about things is often worse than the thing itself. Now, if only I can remember that in the future.

No Fear

Crossing Away from Fear

Stop Comparing

This is the definition of perfectionism in some ways, isn't it? Oy.

Fear Steals Joy

Un-Flinching

It has been a long, strange week. I have been messed up by days - not knowing what day it was, feeling disoriented by the weather, time of day...I don't know why that happens sometimes.

After all of that, I had one last hurdle to cross...Interpreters at Professional Happy Hour.

Backstory: We have Interpreters at Professional Happy Hour in our state and I had made a request/suggestion that, even though we call it "Happy Hour" (which does carry the implication of alcohol or meeting in a bar/pub/restaurant with a happy hour), our organization should consider some alternate locations occasionally.  Over the past couple of years since we have had this activity,  I have had several conversations with folks who choose not to go to bars, feel uncomfortable in bars or do not go as a form of self-care, but who are interested in getting together with other interpreters.  The organization agreed and set a place - I felt like it was important that I go and support this effort and the willingness of the group to act on my request.

As I was leaving (so I would get there when people were there), I got a call from a colleague and I wasn't able to leave for another hour.  Driving out of the parking structure, I find that that the freeway is stopped for a couple of miles due to a bridge lift.  It is stormy, Friday afternoon. I don't want to sit in traffic for an hour. So I took the long way around. Took me a while to get to the location, to drive around and find parking. I saw one car I knew on my first pass, but by the time I was parked, the car had gone - it was 7pm, after all, Happy Hour was mostly over.  I decided I would walk by and see if I knew anyone there. One of the interpreters recognized me or I would never have gone in.

Two and a half hours later, I left the gathering. I had a good time and *again* lost track of time.

I never understand why I sometimes develop such anxiety over these things - I ALWAYS have a good time. I guess I'm starting to un-Flinch. :)

Flinching

A while ago, maybe December, a person I admire very much - a former boss, actually, recommended a book called, "The Flinch".  It was downloadable for free from a special project by Seth Godin. Because of my admiration for the person making the recommendation and my fleeting experiences reading Seth Godin, I downloaded it and read a page or so.

After finishing a page or two, I knew that I was not ready for the book, even though it was pretty much exactly what I needed.  It's a common theme, I think:  Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway.  Get over it already.

I picked it up again and started. I can only do a couple of pages at a time before I feel like I'm drowning or something. I read and scenarios and experiences keep coming to mind. I get overwhelmed and have to think for a while.

I'll keep you posted on my progress.

Don't Feed the...

This was posted on my Facebook and I thought it was perfect for me. I think I need a giant 8X10 foot poster on my wall. :)

#Trust30 Day 13: Surprise

#Trust30 is an online initiative and 30-day writing challenge that encourages you to look within and trust yourself. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your now, and to create direction for your future. 30 prompts from inspiring thought-leaders will guide you on your writing journey. Sign up below to receive the prompts by email. If you like this pledge, check out reverb10, it's inspiring. 

Surprise by Ashley Ambirge

I will not hide my tastes or aversions. I will so trust that what is deep is holy, if we follow the truth, it will bring us out safe at last. – Ralph Waldo Emerson


Think of a time when you didn’t think you were capable of doing something, but then surprised yourself. How will you surprise yourself this week?


(Author: Ashley Ambirge)

How will I surprise myself this week, huh? I'm not sure. I haven't really done anything that surprising in a long time. I think that part of the reason that is true is because I worry about EVERYTHING, so I realized a long time ago that just because I worry about it or think I can't do it doesn't mean that what I think about is TRUE. Mostly, my brain thinks about all the "other outcomes" but generally, I have positive ones.  I think that experience takes the surprise out of things because I know myself well enough to know that I will doubt myself or worry or come up with "worst case scenarios" but they don't usually come true and I'm not so surprised by that anymore.

#Trust30 Day 12: Fear

#Trust30 is an online initiative and 30-day writing challenge that encourages you to look within and trust yourself. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your now, and to create direction for your future. 30 prompts from inspiring thought-leaders will guide you on your writing journey. Sign up below to receive the prompts by email. If you like this pledge, check out reverb10, it's inspiring.


Fear by Lachlan Cotter

These are the voices which we hear in solitude, but they grow faint and inaudible as we enter into the world. Society everywhere is in conspiracy against the manhood of every one of its members. – Ralph Waldo Emerson


Is fear holding you back from living your fullest life and being truly self expressed? Put yourself in the shoes of the you who’s already lived your dream and write out the answers to the following:


Is the insecurity you’re defending worth the dream you’ll never realize? or the love you’ll never venture? or the joy you’ll never feel?

Whether it is worth it or not, my insecurities are real enough and part of the process of realizing dreams is working through those issues so that you CAN fully enjoy, fully realize and fully experience love and joy and success.

If I knew how to drop these demons without the work, I would do it, but I do sometimes wonder if we would appreciate the outcome as much of the path was easy. People don't climb Mt. Everest because it is easy.  Keep climbing. Keep trying.


Will the blunder matter in 10 years? Or 10 weeks? Or 10 days? Or 10 minutes?
Nope.


Can you be happy being anything less than who you really are?
Nope. And you have to keep working to figure out who that person is and what she wants. Once you do, everything will fall into place.


Now Do. The Thing. You Fear.


(Author: Lachlan Cotter)

Crossroads

I am struggling with a crossroads right now. There is a situation in my life that I know what I need to do, but I'm not ready to go down the path.  To continue in the manner as I have been is to put myself in harm's way on a regular basis. To stop the pattern is to give up or alter something that I love.

I stand at a difficult crossroads and I am not sure which path I am going to take. Something must change and I am the only thing in my control, so the change has to be in me. Do I change how I feel, what I'm doing, what I'm saying? Do I remove myself from the situation? As I said, I know what I should do, but what will I do?  I'm not ready to face that yet, I guess. There is a little time. I hesitate because the ultimate outcome will have ripples.

Needling Memories

When I was a little kid, I used to get horrible headaches that came on very suddenly, very violently and I would vomit pretty much until I either passed out or until I slipped into an exhausted sleep.  They started when I was a baby and over the years, I have been tested and prodded and poked in many different ways.   I would be playing or talking or whatever and suddenly turn white as a sheet and be sick as a dog for hours. As I got older, they lasted for a couple of days.

When I was 5 or so, I remember going to a bunch of doctor's appointments where they took brainwaves (that's what I remember them saying) and they put me on some kind of hard-core medicine that freaked my mother out because it turned her normal, active child into a little zombie without any personality.   And I still had the headaches.  I wasn't diagnosed with migraines until I was in high school...

At one of these appointments, a woman (who seemed like God's Great-Grandmother to me) was the person drawing blood.  Either she was blind or very, very clumsy and she poked my arm maybe 6-8 times and was very rough, grabbing my arm and yanking me around.  My mother, who was normally pretty compliant, finally made the woman leave and get someone else and thus began my life-long, near-phobia about needles.

I bring this up so that I can proudly announce that not only have I been poked by needles TWICE in the last week, but I did not even tell the nurses that I was a nervous needle patient. I decided to grow up and see if I could just get through it.  I did not cry, I did not flinch, I did not have to run away.  I did not like it, by any means, but I have conquered my fear (for now). Considering the last couple of weeks, when it would be easier to be phobic about EVERYTHING and curl up in a ball and sleep, I am proud of myself.

Note:  I typed up a lovely post - all the side notes and little comments and then Blogger had some kind of editing error, so you are all getting the truncated version because I get SO IRRITATED when that happens and I can never remember all the good parts...