Birthday, 40 Years Later

Photos from my fifth birthday in Aurora, Colorado.  Family and close family friends present to celebrate. 

Family and close family friends present to celebrate tonight, too.  We had sugar-free graham cracker pie instead of cake. Yum.  A good time was had by all.

Hoot Hoot - A Birthday

Some fun and games at a birthday party tonight. We played games, laughed so hard and ate this delicious cake from Pastrygirl:

This was peanut butter cake, salted caramel filling, chocolate frosting (not too sweet).

It was a great time!

Day 16 of 30 Days of Get Your Art On

Well, yesterday was a big day for me.  I went to Art Media and purchased some art supplies. It was sort of impromptu - I had to go to the bank which is conveniently located in the same strip mall.  I used some of the money I deposited as a special treat for myself. I got some metallic water colors, some sponges, a couple of pencils and pens. It wasn't too extravagant, but I enjoyed my little "Artist's Date".  I'm close to being done with my second J.O.Y. journal collages and I want to do something a little more involved in the next journal - whatever the type.  I still need to do some pen work in both the J.O.Y. journals, but I'm going to finish the collages and then do more.
I also received some fun supplies from friends and family for my birthday that I can use in the art journals. All in all a nice day and weekend.

Here is the page I completed yesterday. I did some pen work on other pages, but not enough to warrant posting photos of them. Perhaps when I finish, I will do side by side comparisons. Who knows?  I'm also looking at some of the prompts that come with the classes. I might use some of them to write in the journals and I might even use some of them here. Exploring my options. :)

Birthday Extravaganza, "Harry Potter" and Art-y-ness

Today is my birthday. I usually don't work - since I was a summer kid, I never had to celebrate my birthday at school and I have just sort of carried it over to my work life. I get a "personal holiday" each year and I mostly use it for my birthday. This year, I had to work due to some needs. I was a little annoyed, but I decided that I could either be annoyed and let it ruin my day or I could just enjoy it. People are lovely on your birthday - everyone stops by to wish you a happy birthday. Yesterday, a friend brought homemade cupcakes - decorated and everything! for everyone to enjoy. It kind of made me rethink the whole "take your birthday off every year" decision. Maybe taking a three day weekend the weekend after my birthday is the best thing. That's what I'm doing - tomorrow, I'm off!

On the birthday theme, I have been on the fence about going to see the last "Harry Potter"movie tonight for my birthday. For one thing, I know I will get a little tired. Sad, huh? I'm usually up until 12:30am or so, but I'm not usually in a darkened theatre. But I know this movie will be filled with battle and excitement. I have seen every movie since #3 at the opening show, so it feels appropos.

As for art-y-ness, I did work on my new journal, journaled in my first J.O.Y. journal and took some pics for days 13 and 14. I haven't doctored them up yet because I have to leave for the movie. I know I'm kind of taking a chance going so late, but I'm not willing to camp out to see a movie. I'm sure I will get a seat. :)  I'm going to a more rural location to see the movie because I know that it isn't as popular as some of the local theatres.  So, tomorrow, pics of my art journaling for Days 13 and 14. Really. I will post them.

So, all in all, a very good day. Thanks to all of you who helped to make it so. :)

Forty-Four Years Ago, Roby

Roby in "The Dining Room"

Happy Birthday, Roby.  You would have been 44 years old today. It's hard for me to imagine, especially after unearthing this hysterical photo from high school.  If AIDS hadn't entered our lives when we were so young, I like to think that you would have gone on to be a big name in Portland theatre. I don't know if you would have, but I like to think so.

As I posted on my Facebook, I'm sure Roby is somewhere screaming at me to take this photo down, but it is just one more part of him and is the catalyst for lots of great memories.  I worked at the props master for this show, "The Dining Room" in our senior year of high school. It was a dinner theatre production that we did in the round in the cafeteria. People were served prime rib dinner and then the show. One night, I was rushing across the stage towards the cafeteria and I notice Roby sitting on the edge of the stage. He was very upset. We sat together for a long time that day, just talking. It was one of those moments when I knew we had trust - he hadn't thrown up a wall of humor to throw me off the track. We had a real conversation about real issues in his world.

I would love to know him as a 44 year old. Alas, he was only with us for 29 years. But his memory lives on with many.

Roby and Fiona in "The Dining Room" circa 1985.

Roby, you are fondly remembered. Not just by me. By many. I love you.

Angie and Roby in the Green Room before "The Dining Room" in 1985.

Half a Mea Culpa (Long)

So, for part of my last post, I was right. For part I was wrong.

Let's recap with more information: Friend wanted to have a BBQ for July 4, but since it rained that morning, postponed. Decided to have THAT BBQ today but call it Jean's Birthday BBQ even though it had little to do with me. I am not a fan of BBQ or strangers or strangers with strange food that is left out for hours at a time and touched by various hands.

The people were nice. There was not enough room for everyone in the place we were in, so everyone was trying to find a place to BE but everyone was also trying to make sure that everyone was OKAY so everything became a ginormous explanation every time anything happened.

Scenario 1: Who should go into the postage-stamp sized kitchen to get food first? They voted Birthday Girl. (I would have gone last as I would know where to sit at that point...) I try to go get my food and follow the directions I am given only to find that someone else (on the other side of the kitchen wall) was directing people in exactly the opposite way. Rather than scuttle in the kitchen for a place in line, I remove myself from the scene to wait. I am patient. I am not bothered by waiting- it is actually easier to wait. But then comes the "Hey- We told you that the birthday girl was going first! What are you doing?" to the eleven-year-old. I say, "It's fine. There's not enough room. It's fine." "Oh. Okay." Then the next adult says, "Hey! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Didn't we tell you that the birthday girl was supposed to be first?" Now the eleven-year-old is confused. "I thought she said it was fine...I didn't know." Again, I say, "It's fine. She is fine. Let her get some food." This happened no less than 3 more times before someone removes the kid from the kitchen.

I run in, get my food and try to get out of the way. Good God! Just let the kid eat. So, I try to find a place to be because there are more kids who are seated at the table. If I sit down, I will have to get up and down for each kid each time they come and go. My back is hurting from yesterday, so I choose to wait. "Sit down and start eating." I reply, "I'm just waiting for the kids to get their stuff, then I can sit down." "They are fine. Just sit down and eat." "I'd rather not have to get up and down a bunch of times, so I'm just waiting until they get their food." Again, two or three more exchanges. Finally, I sit down and say, "I'm going to sit down now because clearly this is making everyone uncomfortable. It might make more sense to have the kids go first so that everyone can settle in more easily."

Within three minutes, eleven-year-old girl #2 sitting next to me starts to slide out of her chair UNDER THE TABLE. I get up so that she can actually walk like a human being instead of crawling around on the floor. Immediately, Grandma, Mother and several others are screaming at the kid, "Why are you getting up? You don't need to get up!" I say, "Kids move around. It's what they do. It's fine." They continue to yell at the kid. I remove myself until everyone has food and then I come back.

Many of the extra people (not all) left after dinner under the excuse that Dad was "in training" and didn't eat sugar during training. I suspect there were other reasons, but I couldn't really worry myself about it at that point. Through it all, of course, I come out the bitch. I don't understand why people don't figure out how to meet their kids' needs first and then we go from there. Kids need to be able to move. Don't make them sit in the seats where they will have to move a whole row of people every time they get bored. I just don't understand the lack of forethought sometimes.

Then, later, Grandma says, "I think I may have a second piece of cake." The eleven-year-old girl #2 says, "I'd like a second piece, too." She has had a sliver slice of cake, so for her, a second piece would be like completing a first piece. Mom tells her no, then Grandma and Mom proceed to eat seconds of cake. I leaned over to the kid and said, "I'm not having a second piece either. Do you want to take some home so you can have some tomorrow?" Kid says, "No, it will just go to waste anyway."

Huh? What happened here?

Where I was wrong - the people I didn't know were very nice, although somewhat over-concerned about me going first. The food was better than I expected. We played some games and that was pretty fun, but the teams were uneven and it made some people unhappy when they are used to winning. I certainly appreciate people cooking for me and having a nice time. What I would prefer is that we call it what it is - a belated July 4th BBQ. It just changes the expectations.

Anyway, nuff said.

Looking a "Gift Horse" in the Mouth

So, a friend of mine offered to have a little BBQ get-together at their house tonight for my birthday... I was a little reluctant because this kind of thing often ends up with the person inviting friends and family (of theirs) who I don't know. Then, while they are cooking and BBQing and preparing, I am left to entertain all the unknown people. I am not good at this, nor do I enjoy it. Particularly when I am surprised by the whole thing (i.e., not told that strangers were going to be in attendance).

This time, I said, "Who are you inviting?  I don't want to be stuck entertaining a bunch of people I don't know/like while you are cooking.  I would rather just be prepared. I don't like surprises."  No, no. It will just be us (small group of friends) and we can play some games and just eat. No big deal.

Did I mention that this is supposedly for my birthday?  In my world, the birthday person's preferences are taken into account for a birthday celebration.  Things like inviting people they know, having food they like, having it in a place that the person can appreciate are all parts of how I would celebrate someone's birthday.

If you know me, you know that sitting outside at dusk (mosquitos, temperature, allergies) eating food without a table that has been cooked with smoke pouring out of the cooking apparatus, potentially cold (as BBQ food tends to be) with lots of condiments and BBQ-type foods does not add up to the perfect Jean Birthday celebration.

Now, add to that 9 strangers. Total strangers that I don't know. Never met. And then don't even bother to tell me EVEN AFTER I ASKED.  I finally wheedled it out of them and I can tell you honestly that I don't really even want to go.  I know I should just be happy that anyone cares that I have a birthday...but at this point, I kinda feel like the birthday thing is done now.  This wasn't about me. This is an excuse to have a BBQ and force me into an uncomfortable social situation. I wouldn't want to go if we just called it that, but at least I wouldn't feel so used and then guilty because I'm not feeling grateful.

My Birthday Note from the Universe

I subscribed to a funny little website that sends out a "Thought from the Universe" each day.  On Wednesday (my birthday), I received the perfect note.  I meant to post it on Wednesday, but I forgot until today.

"You are the right person, this is the right time, you've paid your dues, you're thinking the right thoughts, you're doing the right things, and this very moment, you are exactly where you're supposed to be... poised for the happiest time of your life.  

Dang, Jean!
The Universe"

Isn't that cool?  I really liked it. It was the perfect thought for that day.

Today was strange, on the other hand, and I couldn't wait to leave work. Usually, I don't feel that way, but today, the hours just stretched on and on. All was pretty quiet and time just seemed to stop. 

I'm glad it is Friday. 

Year 43 Project

It occurred to me that I don't have a goal or a project or anything that I am working on right now. In the past couple of years, I have learned how to use my digital camera (not National Geographic quality, but it will do...), I have worked on my Art Journals (which I miss a lot) and have worked on several other projects.

For my 43rd year, I think I am going to take on a project. I'm not sure what it is yet and I may or may not share it here, but I am thinking I want to do SOMETHING. I like having a focus. Obviously, I have been writing in the blog regularly, which I am proud of. I want to do more art and photography, but I also want something to work towards. I am also thinking about taking another "Soul Collage" class this summer. I have to check into it - there was something about that process that was really intriguing.

I guess I don't have to know until the end of the day tomorrow. Anyway, 18 minutes until I'm 43!!

Birthday Saturday

Had another birthday celebration with some friends and family last night. I spent the day wrecking in my journal (fun! and I made lots of progress), then picked up some of my favorite salsa from Chez Jose and off to Buster's for dinner.

We had good food and then played some cards, ate some cheesecake and talked. Good day.

Here is a photo from my impromptu trip to the beach. I had planned on pulling off to take some more photos, but then I was worried about getting home before it got too late...I only got this one. I should have taken pictures at the bookstore. Silly me.

Birthday Celebrations Continue

I met Patti Digh today. She signed my book. :)

Kevin, Indian Food, Fried Green Tomatoes and Harry

Yesterday, I had a lovely day that was all about things I love. I slept in a bit, met Kevin for lunch at the lovely East India Company Bar and Grill downtown(delicious, thank you, Kevin!). Kevin gave me a First Edition hardback PRISTINE copy of "Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe" by Fannie Flagg. If you haven't read it, you should. We had a lovely lunch together. When we were done, Kevin rode off on the street car and I went back home for a brief rest.


Later on in the afternoon, I participated in telecoaching call #2. LOVE IT! I'm struggling with shedding layers, but it is all there, roiling around. Change, good things. I'm still trying to decide if I'm going to drive to Manzanita tomorrow to go to Patti's reading or not. Would have to drive back home so I'd be ready for work on Friday...not sure what I will do.

Then, dinner at China Bay with Mom and a friend. At 11:00pm, off to the movie theatre to wait in line for Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. It was good. Lovely end to a lovely day.




THEN, my friend Shannon at Bird Star gave me a tiny shrine that she made to "Our Lady of Perpetual Patience" with a prayer and all. I love it! It is just lovely.



Life is good. Yes, indeed.

42nd Birthday Pronouncement

Today, I am giving up my fear of not being good enough.

This fear holds me back in ways even I can't even imagine and I have been living it for 42 years now (well, maybe when I was a baby I knew I was good enough). My parents didn't instill this in me - it came with me when I entered this world.

Perhaps there were reinforcements, like the multicolored Santa incident. Or comparing my art to my sister's (she was 4 years older and I was more focused on writing). Or when I stopped getting As in Math and decided I wasn't good at it (self-fulfilling prophecy). Even my first interpreting job was procured because of a dare. I didn't think I would be good enough to get the job, but I was damned if anyone was going to think I was a chicken, too. I have been pushed, bullied, and pulled into theatre, interpreting, interpreting theatre, getting jobs, interviewing for jobs, taking classes, meeting people...the list goes on and on. I stopped writing because I was afraid that people's expectations were too high. My expectations were too high. I didn't feel that my writing was intelligent enough or erudite enough. I didn't feel like I had anything important to say - or more accurately, I didn't think anyone would care about what I had to say.

I do have something important to say - maybe not important to you, but important to me. My life is its own masterpiece and I have to keep working on it, even if I don't know when I will be done. I have seen many masterpieces left unfinished in my life. Mine will not be one of them.

So, today, on my 42nd birthday, I'm taking back my life. I'm sure I will hesitate. I'm sure I will struggle. I'm sure the shadows will chase me as they always have. But I can shine a light on them. I can say that the struggle is part of the masterpiece. I can say that even if my voice was alone on the winds of time, I needed to have it and I needed to express it.

To commemorate giving up this fear, I will be sending in a 4X6 piece of art to Patti Digh for her 50th birthday. I know she will get some incredible pieces of art. I know she will get amazing displays of talent. But from me, she will get a piece of 4X6 bravery and a heartfelt gift of gratitude for helping me find my own unique voice again. And it will be good enough. For me.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 42. I never imagined myself being 42 so I get to have it as a clean slate. :)

Today, I'm not feeling great. I'm going to bed early.

The people at work bought me a gift and there was a lovely card with the gift. It was a thank you for the move and the work I did. Very sweet. Made me feel really good. Here's a picture of the bag and tag.

Give Me 5 Monday Meme

Give Me Five birthday memories from your life or of someone else.

1. My 30th Birthday party- Julie, a friend and colleague of mine had a birthday party at her house for my 30th birthday. It was my second birthday after Roby died and she knew what a milestone it was for me, so she invited all my friends in the interpreting/Deaf world over. It was a lovely birthday...I have photos that I will have to scan and add later. Thanks, Julie!

2. Roby's 21st birthday - His birthday was on Thanksgiving that year - November 26, 1987 (I believe). We had dinner at his mother's house - the whole family was there. Shirlee and Bob, Debee and her husband and daughter, Teri and Chris and their son and daughter, Shirlee's sister Patti, cousins Tammy and Tanya. Bob's stepmother, Lucille, probably Bob's sister, Jane. Maybe Bob's son, Eric. Maybe some more cousins...they set up a big table (maybe a pingpong table) in the sitting room and everyone sat out there. I was always late to dinner because I had Thanksgiving with my family first. Roby always saved me a few mashed potatoes. He had to dish them up because if he didn't, they would all be gone immediately. Man, that family can eat. :) After dinner, they all started to get ready to go out. I wasn't really sure what we were going to do...they decided to go to this bar that is no longer in existance...on Broadway downtown...I will have to try to figure out a name. It was a PSU jock bar...ummm...hi?! So, for Roby's 21st birthday, Shirlee and Bob and Patti and Teri and Debee and Tammy and I got all gussied up to go to a jock bar. I was a little freaked out because I was only 20 at the time and I was pretty sure I would get arrested for being under age, so Teri gave me an old driver's license of hers. I shouldn't have worried...it was easy enough. The bar wasn't superbusy since it was Thanksgiving night...everyone was drinking, but I hadn't really had much alcohol before that except for some champagne and some kahlua and creme a few times. That night, we drank tequila poppers. Those things go straight to your brain. I don't think we got drunk...just had a few drinks. The next night, I'm pretty sure that we went to CC Slaughters and set the path of our lives after that...

3. My 12th Birthday party - I lived in Panama City, Florida and we were about a month from moving to Oregon. I had a party with all my friends there - Drew Keriakedes, Bart Sloan, Thalia Smith, Tina Ritter, Dee Dee Small, Mercedes Delory, maybe Nina Haanio. Those were the main people I remember. I had a HUGE crush on Bart and Drew. I think we actually played "Spin the Bottle" on the patio and I ended up kissing one of them...can't remember which one all these years later. I was really heartbroken about leaving all my friends. We stayed in touch for a couple of years, but then, as most kids do, we all lost touch. I don't have any photos from that year that I remember...I will have to look. I remember that I wore a blue skirt outfit with flowers on it. And my hair was cut in that short feathered way that I had for many years. My mom always loved it, but I thought it was too short. It was a bittersweet birthday.

4. January 9, 1996 - Just a day after Roby died, it was my dad's birthday. I don't remember much but my family offered to postpone the celebration. I couldn't think why we would do that because I felt like I would never EVER feel happy again, so why put it off? We had a nice party, but I could tell that my dad felt bad to be having a birthday party. It was low key - we had dinner and opened some gifts and probably had some cake. It wasn't very joyous, though. Sad. Now they are both gone.

5. July 13, 1984 - My 17th birthday (it might have been my 18th birthday...)...had a big party and all the drama people showed up. ALL of them...Jeffa was extremely late and disappeared into my bedroom for more than an hour...then disappeared for the rest of the evening. Roby and Duane were there, Charles, Jim, Angie, Jenny M. and Jenny R., some of the juniors and sophomores..Later, I found out that Jeffa had been making out with Jim somewhere most of the evening. When she arrived, she had gone immediately upstairs to write a long and lovely card to me for my birthday, but I was so mad that I couldn't really appreciate it...That night was a huge bone of contention for us - I just couldn't fathom that the person who I spent most of my time with for YEARS would behave in this way. (I was not that smart when it came to issues of raging hormones at the time). Thus began a rocky year...she was going through lots of stuff that I didn't know about and I guess I wasn't that supportive (I didn't know what was going on). I still have difficulty understanding the whole, "I'm in love and therefore I can't talk to you" attitude, although I am more familiar with the concept now.

So those are my birthday memories so far...I'm sure there are more, but these are the ones that came to mind.

My Birthday at work

Above is a photo of the beautiful cupcakes made for me by my assistant, SL. She also took the picture. She is an excellent baker and seamstress and craftswoman. She is amazing. She spent all day Saturday making these and they looked absolutely beautiful. She also made me handmade pink linen hankerchiefs embroidered with my initials on some and my name on others.

It was a really nice birthday. And this weekend, I go to the beach. Excellent!

**Note: If she ever reads this, I hope she doesn't mind that I used her photo to show off her beautiful work.