I Love This, Now to Implement

Happy New Year to all! Welcome 2012!

I wish for you (and me) a happy and safe New Year's Eve and New Year.  I welcome 2012 with all its lessons and joys.  I hope the lessons are gentle and the joys many.

Thank you to any of you who stop by here to visit. I hope you will continue to do so. I'm looking forward to another year of WildRumpusing with you.

Learning through Joy, Learning through Pain

I am always learning - about myself, about life, about other people, about the choices I have even when they don't really seem like choices.

I always think of the question:  Do I want to learn through joy or through pain? 

I have learned a lot through pain and while I don't CHOOSE pain as the catalyst for learning and growth, I do know that if there is pain and you have no choice but to experience the parts of life that are painful, the best way to ensure that all the suffering is not in vain is to try to learn something from it all.

I know that some lessons are unavoidable, so I am just waiting to figure out what this time is going to bring me.  I think one of the lessons is patience. One is about perfectionism. There are more; I just don't have a clear picture yet.

The Joy Diet: Nothing Report

15 minutes is not a lot to ask of myself, for myself.

When I look back on the week, there is a part of me, the surface part, that wonders why I can't embrace Nothing. There are truths about the week - it was the first week of a new term and I had to prepare for the course that I interpret and the course that I teach.  I hurt my back this week and I have spent much of my reading and Nothing time sleeping, trying to heal my body. I have a show coming up, so I had to rehearse and spend some time with my script.

All of these things are true, but when I really stop and look at it, I think that I am afraid to really embrace Nothing.  This dance that I am doing between the life I have built and the life I am seeking - this pulling together of two diametrically opposed pieces, is a difficult, complicated, scary dance. When I went on vacation in May, I was amazed at how easily I unplugged, let go of everything - and have struggled to be back on pace since coming back.  

Deep down, I think I am fearful that putting down all the threads, even for a moment, will be a glimpse into a life and a practice that I don't want to give up.  If I put down some of the threads, I know I won't want to pick them up again. What does that mean?  If I have defined myself by those threads, by the activities and the "success" that I have attained, what does it say about me that I just want to leave them. Not tied, not threaded somewhere else, not anchored or cared for.  If I could just walk away, feeling no guilt, feeling no worry that the Universe would take care of it, I would.  What does that say about me?  What does that mean for my life?  Who would I be - would I be different than the definition I have for myself?  Would it be such a bad thing?

It probably sounds like I'm beating myself up - I'm not.  I have to think about these things. That is part of who I am and how I work. I know that I am headed in a new direction and I am happy about that.  It was just really interesting to look at how threatening Nothing can be.  How scary Joy can be.  I'm simultaneously sad that Joy can be so scary, but thrilled to be on the journey TO JOY.  Accepting Joy when it comes, creating Joy, is a state of mind - an active choice.  Choosing Joy takes practice.  That can't be bad. I just have to exercise those muscles. I can't be a Joy Champion after a couple of weeks.  But I can pick up the 5 lb weights and start the conditioning.

The Joy Diet: Introductions

I have joined a group of women in reading "The Joy Diet" by Martha Beck. We will move through the book, blogging on Fridays about the different practices that can add, enhance or help us notice the joy that is in our lives. Special thanks to Jamie Ridler of Jamie Ridler Studios.  She is the leader and host of The Next Chapter: The Joy Diet. I first found Jamie's The Next Chapter through Rachel at The Metaphorical Magpie and participated in the Wreck This Journal journey.

I'm ambivalent about starting this journey for only one reason - I'm drowning in commitments.  HOWEVER, one thing I am clear about, the commitment to myself - the one that promises a shared experience with other women looking to add JOY to their life, the one that will give me 10 new ways to open up my own experience of life, the one that will expect me to take a little time to read and do something form myself is NOT the commitment I am going to say no to.  The NO has to go somewhere else.

I am excited to take this journey as JOY has been a hot topic for me here in the blog and in my life.  Finding ways to EN-joy my life is one of my goals for the year, and so far, I have been pretty successful.

I may get behind, I may not be able to visit as many of my fellow JDs (Joy Dieters) on their blogs as I would like, but I am here and I am ready.

Bring on some moments of JOY.  Bring on the learning. I am ready.

Day 21: Forgiveness

"The first step in forgiveness is the willingness to forgive." ~Marianne Williamson

I didn't take a lunch today or specifically think about who I want to be.  I got to see the results of some actions I have taken to experience more joy, I listened to a CD during my drive that was really the highlight of my day.  I had a few laughs with people, worked hard, was grumpy for a while when I got home, but overall, I feel a change in demeanor...I'm feeling less hunched over from my world, my responsibilities, my choices.

I'm willing to forgive myself for not being perfect.   I'm willing to forgive folks for what I perceive as slights or trespasses.  Every day is a new day. Every day is an opportunity to choose again, to refocus, to revisit the person I want to become, the joy of life.  My heart is full of that right now.  It feels good.

Day 19: The Great Work Begins

Ok. Now I am in the home stretch...I have passed the halfway mark.

I feel a little like I'm not doing enough or thinking enough or making enough happen - that is my emotional response. My rational response is that I have been very focused on this endeavor, even though it doesn't always look like I think it should (lunch, sitting, contemplative, epiphanies...).

I realized this week that I am going again and again to the topic I have gravitated to in this blog more than one time. I want to be a person who experiences joy more regularly. I don't think it has to be that I walk around on cloud nine all the time, floating on happiness. I just mean doing and saying and reading and watching and participating in things that bring me joy. Friends, family, reading, theatre, music, beautiful days, movies- where do those things fit into my world? How can I keep them present in my mind and my priority list in this chaotic, busy life I lead? How can I tame the business (the chaos is not really mine to control) and really take this goal in hand and make it happen?

I have a lot of work to do. But good work. In the words of Tony Kushner, "More Life. The Great work begins."

Pleasure and Spontaneity: Greer

"The essence of pleasure is spontaneity."~Germaine Greer

I have never heard this quote before, but I read it on my "Quote a Day" on the sidebar of my blog and I decided it was what I wanted to talk about today. When I read it, a spark struck for me - I had a conversation about spontaneity and fun recently.

I am experiencing all these "cliches" about aging that I never expected to experience - things like being an adult and missing the fun I had as a young person, the generation gap, facing mortality, etc. As a young woman, I faced mortality regularly because of Roby's situation. I embraced a level of "letting go" because I knew that we had such a limited time together - I had to step out of my comfort zone in order to fully experience our life together. Spontaneity was not natural to me - I had to build it up to keep up with him. Eventually, though, I became the more spontaneous of the two. I miss that.

We used to just drive off to the beach without a thought - now I think, what are the roads like? I have to work tomorrow. What if we can't get a hotel? How much will it cost? I don't feel like driving...blah blah blah. We used to go to the movies ANYTIME or plan some crazy trip or just drive around. Now, everything requires planning - when are you free? Oh, I have to get up early the next morning, I have a show, I have rehearsal/work/sleep blah blah blah.

One of my fondest memories was a beach trip to Pacific City with some friends. We just decided to go at the last minute. We brought some alcohol (ok, a lot), some coloring books and went to stay at a friend's cabin. We drank and colored for like 5 hours the first night and it was a BLAST. We wandered the beach at midnight and even went into the water. The coloring was so cathartic and the drinking was too. I don't drink anymore, so I'm not missing that - just the idea that suddenly, I could go and have a good time.

Now, as I look at my calendar, I see meetings, rehearsals, responsibilities and commitments instead of possibilities for joy and pleasure.

I'm gonna look for a little spontaneity in the next couple of weeks. I think it could do me some good.

Watching "Wicked" was GOOD

I went to see the show tonight - for myself, for pleasure.  I didn't bring my script and I tried not to think about which character I was interpreting and what each line means.

The first night we saw the show, the actress playing Elphaba was the understudy.  She was quite good - the whole show seemed lacking in energy a little bit (I can't remember what day we went..a Wednesday?).

Last night, the energy was there.  The woman who played Elphaba was AMAZING.  She gave me head to toe chills in her first song.    Click here for to read a bit of the Oregonian review.  

I love this show because it is about appearances, about politics, loyalty, friendship, diversity and self-esteem.  Lofty topics for a Broadway show, but hell, we loved Les Miserables, so this should be cake.

Still tired...

I think it is fascinating that emotional exhaustion is more complete than physical exhaustion. Sometimes, when I am tired physically, my brain does all these acrobatics and continues to whir as if my body didn't matter. So, that's where I am right now. I have been falling asleep at 9pm like I did when I was a little kid.

I am thinking about all the things I want to do to right now - write more, reach out to some folks, read more, be more artistic/creative - but not really taking too much action. I have to get over the hurdle...

I am excited, however, to be going to see the final performance of "RENT" this weekend. I can't wait.

Nuff said.

En-Joyment Part I

In celebration of my newfound purpose (or newly defined, I should say), I left work a little early (having worked 4 days worth already before I started working today), went out to dinner and saw a movie with friends. Not a thinking movie, not a drama - just fun and friends and pretty scenery - with a little bit of lesson thrown in for good measure. We saw "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants II". I'm pretty sure it will be out of the theatres soon and I had wanted to see it. I love America Ferrera and Amber Tamblyn. I like Blake Lively, too. Alexis Bledel is growing on me, but she is a little bland for my taste.

Anyway, it was good to plan fun and execute it. The down side to liking the work I do is that I am also a bit of a work-a-holic, so it can be a deadly combination, even for me.

Baby steps, right?

Clarification on Joy-seeking

I realized long after I had closed out of the computer last night that some of what I wrote last night either contradicted itself or sounded weird in my own brain...

I'm not saying that life is ONLY about joy...but that we should EN-joy life - add joy whenever we can. Seek joy and find unexpected things along the way...En-liven. En-ergize.

Yes, I have moments of joy, as I said. But I need to EN-verb it and make it more active rather than passive, hit-and-run joy. Purpose. Purpose-full. Joy-full.

Ok. Now I feel better. I needed to clarify for myself more than anyone else.

"Yes and joy was just the thing he was raised on..."

Things have been in crisis mode at work for more than a week now and it is exhausting, as I mentioned in an earlier post...

On Monday, I worked for 13 hours (plus the 2 hours of drive time) and collapsed when I got home. When I woke up on Tuesday, I was determined to find a way to make life at least a little more livable. I have purchased Moo cards with nice sayings on them to pass out to people at work and I thought I kind of deserved to have something like that, too (even if I have to do it for myself).

In all my nostalgia in the last couple of weeks, I ordered a couple of the CDs I mentioned in my "37Days: Write to Rembember" post. I spotted one of them on the counter - "An Evening with John Denver" - and I thought I would take it and listen to it at work. I usually don't listen to music at work because there are lots of auditory cues I have to listen for and music is not really an option, but right now, I felt I needed something to get through the day. I popped it in my bag and slogged off to work. When I was a few blocks from home, I decided to pop the CD in my car and listen on the way (instead of politics in the morning...I'm getting more and more depressed and panicked). Two notes into the first song and I started BAWLING. I had skipped to the song, "Matthew", which has always been one of my favorites. I tried others - "Grandma's Feather Bed", "Eagle and the Hawk", "Rocky Mountain High" - but I just kept bawling. Not just tears. Like BAWLING.

So I didn't bring the CD in to work. When I left work last night, I listened to it again and felt much better, but I was struck by a couple of lines. One line from "Matthew" - "yes, and joy was just thing he was raised on. Love was just the way to live and die. Gold is just a windy Kansas wheat field. Blue is just a Kansas summer sky." I cried again. This time it was not just a stress reaction or being tired. I realized how far away from that feeling I am. That I see the world as being really far away from that, too. I was raised on joy, too. Parents who played games and traveled and read and laughed. We didn't worry about the school levy not passing or the economy crashing or our cell phones, email, computer. I didn't know aobut my dad's job that much and my mom was home but she didn't run us to eight thousand different activities. Sometimes I wish I knew how to play the piano or how to dance. But we had FUN.

I miss FUN. And Joy. What happened to JOY? I have great moments of joy and that counts..."Buffy", Indian Food with Kevin, BookFest, theatre, music...But I remember joy. I remember life that was about seeking joy - not pleasure - joyful moments. I don't seek it anymore. I am just surprised when it pops up. The lack of seeking seems wrong to me, somehow. It seems to defeat the purpose of "Life is a Verb" and I want to change that. It really impacted me yesterday - just thinking about a life that is solely focused on work and a few distractions.

One of the other songs, "Annie's Other Song", has an introduction where he said, "The purpose of my music has always been to communicate the joy that I find in living and what is so about my life..." So, I am going to find joy - seek joy, and I will try to communicate it here. I think that is what I was trying to do by starting this blog, but it has taken me all this time to figure it out...each video or bit of music or photo has been something that touched me or moved me or made me laugh...that's the start of joy. Recognizing it. Embracing it.

I guess if being exhausted brings a touch of insight, perhaps all this chaos and craziness and crisis at work has been worth it to get me to this point.