The World is Heavy

Osama Bin Laden was killed yesterday. Tsunamis and nuclear meltdowns, 240 tornados in one day. Friends dying. Work is challenging. Political disagreements. The air is heavy.  I feel the weight of it on my shoulders though none of it is mine. My daily life is not affected at this point - not in the ways that these other people are impacted. I just feel it.

I was talking to a friend about "America's Funniest Home Videos" a couple of months ago - I was saying that I can't watch the videos where people get hurt/hit/fall/crash.  They looked at me incredulously, "Why? It's funny..." I actually feel it. When I see those images, images of real people being injured, even comically, I actually have a physical sensation usually from mid-thigh to mid-chest - like someone pulled string and it zips up through my body. I can't really explain it - I haven't always had it, but it gets more intense as I get older.  It started after Roby died - I stopped being able to watch certain kinds of films and things. I can't even bear to hear someone get hurt. Obviously, I know that in a movie, the person is ACTING, but I have to cover my ears and close my eyes. Weird, huh?  I just put it down to being a "highly sensitive person" and leave it at that.

Anyway, this week, the world feels heavy. I remember this one time when we went to the base swimming pool in Florida.  They had left the chlorine machine (or whatever) on too long and didn't know it. We all got into the water and there was this weird, heavy quality to the water.  There were actual blobs in the water that formed (I don't know if that was chlorine or something caused by having too much chlorine - not a scientist or a pool specialist!).  That is how it feels to be walking around right now - like we are walking through giant blobs of guck.

Revisiting Some Old Thoughts

About 15 years ago, I was in Barnes and Noble, minding my own business when I was drawn across the aisle to a very plan, tan book that I would normally never pick up.  The book was "Highly Sensitive People".  I thought it was people who are "overly sensitive" - you know how people say that sometimes. In a way, it is about that, but it is about WHY people are like that. Like any self-help book, it had a little quiz in the beginning of the book and I took it. I'm pretty sure that I answered true to all but one of the questions.  I'm pretty sure that if you answer True to like 5 or more, it is likely that you are an HSP.  I'm not even sure what they call someone who answered all but one question that way. Like Super HSP or something like that. Anyway, the book was really helpful in understanding my own reactions to things and trying to find ways to self-soothe or to avoid getting overstimulated.

Lately, I have noticed a return of feeling uncomfortably overstimulated, so I ordered a newer book, "The Highly Sensitive Person's Survival Guide". I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of this book.  It kind of came to a head on Sunday night when I was watching (of all things) "America's Funniest Home Videos".  I usually have that on on Sundays - it is innocuous enough and I don't have to pay too much attention to it. This week, there was video of people crashing into things. I don't find those videos funny - I actually have a visceral reaction to some of them. One guy bounced his bike or something on top of a big can-shaped structure and it caved in. I got this really strong zing from my waist up the back of my neck and up through my arms. I have had some physical sensations to seeing this kind of thing before but never like this.  It was really disturbing and it made me kind of realize that I have been feeling "highly sensitive" lately and maybe need to look into what I need to do to mellow out.

It's weird how we are all so different, isn't it?