Too Pooped to Ponder

I worked and then had rehearsal tonight, so I'm pooped. I thought about trying to find a good topic but I just can't.  More tomorrow.



 (I hit DRAFT last night instead of SAVE. Ugh. Obviously a good choice to give it up and go to bed.)

**Whine Alert**

I'm so flipping tired tonight. Holy cow.  Everything hurts (I'm sure it was from sitting all day long and all evening - just one of those days).  I'm going to be in California next week which is good in many ways, but I think that just thinking about traveling again makes me tired.

I know it will all be fine and I will be so happy to see my friends. I think I need to take a couple of 3 day or 4 day weekends and go to the beach. I just need to zen out a little - no plans, no place to go, no "on" face. Just me, a book and some quiet time.  I have a show on June 22, so I'm thinking that I will be able to take some time off after that and maybe a 3 day weekend between now and then.

A girl can dream, right? :)

Thank you for bearing with me during this whine break. It wasn't TOO bad.

Reverb 10 - Day 12: Body Integration

December 12 – Body Integration This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present? (Author: Patrick Reynolds)

I'm not really feeling this question. I thought about it since yesterday and I couldn't really come up with anything interesting to say on the topic.  I am going to take a pass on this one.

Our company holiday/end of year party was tonight and I am tired.  This week is a busy one with new people, lots to do, another event next weekend.  Next Sunday will be a day of rest for me, for sure.

Look for more Reverb10 here tomorrow.  Thanks for understanding. 

Emotionally Exhausting

I just find the repetition of all instructions/directions over and over and over to be exhausting.  Then to smile each time I say it is even more exhausting. It is just the nature of the beast - no one is doing anything. It is just hard to keep a good sense of humor.

I find that I feel much the same as I did when I was a little girl - it's hard to be good all day. 

That's all. So, I'm going to be watching a movie tonight. It will help me calm down and just breathe. 

Shaking it Off

I am struggling a bit with feeling stuck.  I know that it is just a reaction to the events of late and my busy schedule right now.  I haven't been doing much of anything but going to work (in various capacities) and coming home to crash. I hate that feeling that all you do is work and sleep. At the same time, I am doing things I want to do.

I know this sounds like a broken record, but I can't wait until my class on Feb. 27.  I have been feeling stalled in my art endeavors, too. I think sometimes I just need the continued challenge to my tendency to stay in the comfort zone. I haven't been doing anything with my journals or photos but I have been gathering images and looking at other people's work again.  I need to just work on the darn journal and stop obsessing about doing it "right".
My internal editor/critic is a meanie.  I have a harder time keeping it quiet when I'm tired, so I am chalking it up to that for right now.

I did go to Chinese New Year today and I'm glad I did, even though I did miss Kevin there. I had some nice conversations with people I have seen several times at the annual gathering and I had a chance to visit with the hosts and some old friends. I look forward to seeing them every year.

I am falling asleep as I write this, so I am going to go to bed. More tomorrow.

When It Rains, It Pours

It never fails - when one thing is hard or you have a bunch of things happening, it ALWAYS attracts all sorts of other fun stuff.

I have some stuff at work, I have a show coming up, I have to work on Saturday :( and there is a holiday on Monday, so no 3 day weekend when I REALLY need one.  I have my Chinese New Year party, tomorrow is the Interpreter get together in Portland but I have rehearsal for the show.  Then my friends from Cali are coming and I still have a bunch of work stuff.  And another project that is coming to a head. The weekend after that, I am supposed to have another art class. After that, I'm going to have to search for more of these classes...

Why can't these things spread themselves out?  I will have weeks where everything remains relatively quiet or calm and then one little thing tips the whole apple cart and I am sitting at my computer with my eyes propped open with toothpicks trying to finish everything.

It will all come to an end, I know that.  I'm just feeling it this week. Little bit exhausted, little bit tired of the hamster wheel for today.  A couple of days off (although it should be three!!) will help.

Goodnight, all. I'm off to bed.

Bizarre Dream

I woke up this morning and realized I had dreamed that I typed a post here but it was all gibberish like I had my hands on the wrong keys. This week has kinda been a week like that, so I had to get up and check - it was entirely possible that the post I had typed last night looked like this:

Dp o dohmrf i[ gpt sm pm;omr v;sdd smf ytorf yp [su gpt oy niy yjrtr esd s jp;f pm ,u svvpimy/ zo vpmysvyrf yjr [stlomh smf ytsmd[ptysyopm htpi[ smf [sof gpt yjr

Much to my relief, it was only a dream and I don't have to worry about it. I'm not sure but I think this is the first time that the blog has shown up in my dreams. I guess it means that my little endeavor here is living in my brain now and is engrained in me enough that I am dreaming about it. When I was learning ASL, it took a couple of years for me to start dreaming in ASL, which, by all accounts, means that you are internalizing the language and making it your own. I think it is a good sign to be dreaming about it but maybe a little stress showing through when thinking that I was tired enough to have my hands on the wrong keys for the whole post.

Treading Water

The tip of my nose is barely above the water. My arms are flailing frantically, not the smooth, easy stroke of a practiced swimmer but the panicked flapping of someone who fears metaphorical drowning.  There is no particular thing to blame or to point to or to fix. This is cumulative drowning. I know that in a day or a week, I will break the surface of the water and I will be able to draw deep, cleansing breaths and know that it will all be ok.

I am trying not to panic. I am trying to remember all the things I have to be grateful for. I am trying to remember that this will not matter in a year or maybe even a month. It isn't easy.

So, my defense mechanism is to want to curl up and sleep all day. Or do art and stay at home. I don't want to choose all the normal, every day things. I want to choose differently. But all my choices have lead me to this place. It is where I am. Wishing doesn't change anything, and it doesn't need to. 

I think it is strange how fear backs up on me sometimes. Old stuff. Old thoughts. Mostly, I fight it off, but sometimes, it creeps up on me and grabs the oar and steers me offcourse. I will get back. It's just that dog-paddling is slower than actual swimming.  I think it is the flailing.

Anyone have noseplugs?

The Week that Was...

I should be posting about "The Joy Diet" and this week's topic of Truth. But I'm going to wait until tomorrow because I am exhausted and so happy to be home tonight that I could cry.

I will be back to normal soon. I will.

What day is it???

I worked through the weekend...last week, all LONG days....this week, all long days...home around 9:30 or so every night...

I'm tired.  What day is it?

ZZZZZZ...

Themes and Planning

Here we are again - I'm in the middle of a theme without a clear plan and I sit and stare at the blank post trying to think of something to write about.  Then I pull out a quote, but it is so random in nature, I can't bear to use it.

I MUST plan better...I found the themes that I did plan for much easier to follow through on.

So, officially,  in accordance with the theme of the month - GIVING or Giving UP:  I am giving up blogging without purpose.  I think it is less fulfilling for the reader and it is certainly more frustrating for the writer.  Some days I can write about some topic I am thinking about, but other days, like today when I am bone tired, all I can think of to say is how tired I am and how happy I am that I am finally at the weekend where I can spend two days recuperating only to go back and do it all again next week.

I hate how ordinary my life has become.  I'm such an ADULT.  I guess that is a good thing in so many ways, but it is also a little bit depressing.

Still tired...

I think it is fascinating that emotional exhaustion is more complete than physical exhaustion. Sometimes, when I am tired physically, my brain does all these acrobatics and continues to whir as if my body didn't matter. So, that's where I am right now. I have been falling asleep at 9pm like I did when I was a little kid.

I am thinking about all the things I want to do to right now - write more, reach out to some folks, read more, be more artistic/creative - but not really taking too much action. I have to get over the hurdle...

I am excited, however, to be going to see the final performance of "RENT" this weekend. I can't wait.

Nuff said.