Sunday, January 3, 2021
Saturday, January 2, 2021
Friday, January 1, 2021
Monday, October 19, 2020
Apparently, falling is a theme in my life now. It's been a while, but the thought is never far from my mind. While I don't really talk about it much, fear of falling, physically and metaphorically, is a big deal for me.
On Sunday morning, I ended up falling backwards down part of a 1/2 flight of stairs. About 4 steps really. I was backing down the stairs - don't ask - and missed the next step. Next thing you know, I'm on the floor in the kitchen. I landed on my back and left arm. I can totally feel it in my back, neck, and my left arm.
I know that falling down is a sign of stress for me. It used to be car accidents. I guess falling is better? It means I'm not paying as much attention to my physical safety because I'm distracted by the lack of mental safety I'm feeling.
Honestly, I could go to bed right now and not get up for another year and I'm not sure I would feel better. But I get up every day and get dressed. Like, full-on dressed. With pants. Clothes I would wear outside. Even working from home, I get up and get dressed and wear shoes every. single. day. If I don't, I would slip into the oblivion and never be seen again. Can't let that happen. So, dressed it is. No falling down that rabbit hole. (See what I did there?)
Anyway, I haven't quite decided what I'm going to do about my stress level yet. I have tried a million things, but I feel there is more to be done.
On the positive side, I received an unexpected bonus from work and I selfishly spent a little on myself. I purchased an iPod Touch. I have been missing my iPod nano since i left it on the last airplane I rode on. I don't like having my music on my phone and it has been frustrating me, plus I don't like using up my phone battery for that when I might need it for communication. My iPod arrived a day early and I LOVE IT. Music has been one of the things that has soothed me since this pandemic began. Being able to carry it in my pocket and NOT be limited to whatever can be streamed makes me happy.
So, here's to not falling and music.
Saturday, October 17, 2020
Monday, May 29, 2017
"How do we forgive ourselves for all the things we did not become?"
I wish I could claim this powerful sentence as my own, but I have to give credit to Doc Luben, a poet I found somewhat accidentally in the echo chamber of my Facebook. Here is the full poem.
I have a lot more to say about this but I don't have words today. My heart is stirring today for lots of reasons. I hope I'll come back and work through it. Or share. For now, though, I'm just going to leave it here so it doesn't eat away at me.
That is all.
Sunday, April 30, 2017
In the last three months, several people have asked me about the blog - my sorely neglected blog. First, I had no real idea that anyone out there really was paying much attention to me out here in the blogosphere. Secondly, I think it must be a sign as I have been feeling a little lost recently. Which is strange, right? I have so much in my life - I am so blessed. At the same time, even in recognizing my blessings, I sometimes feel like I am losing my own authentic voice. Not through any means of oppression or anything nefarious. Just that I am generally representing the voice of others. Which I love. How could I be an interpreter and not appreciate that I have the opportunity to amplify the voice of folks who may not always be heard without an avenue simply because of language barriers?
No, the real reason I feel like I am losing my voice is just that the stories and thoughts that I have stay internal most of the time. It's my own sense of propriety that creates this weird imbalance. At the same time, that I have been asked, that I have felt like I need to express myself...these two things in combination are enough to nudge me gently in the direction of the blog. I had originally switched to Facebook for my meandering thoughts, but again, I feel that is a place where the stage lights are bright. This, too, is the internet - if someone wants to find me, they can. But they have to look. And be purposeful. Facebook is a different animal. So, I'm back. Who knows how often. Who knows what I will do or say? I just feel compelled. I still have stories to tell. I still have art to do. Books to read. Thoughts to work through.
So, let's see what happens.
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
I have two things I'm trying to do this month. Well, that's not true. I have a bunch of things but they are NOT resolutions. They are things I'm trying to do.
So for today, two things:
Read "That's Not What I Meant" by Deborah Tannen for my professional book group that is sort of a 2016 failure. I need to read a little more than 7 pages a day to finish it in January. That shouldn't be too difficult. I hope.
Read " Americanah" by Chimananda Ngozi Adichie for "the art of activism" book group with Patti Digh. I want to work to be a better ally. I need to read 21 pages per day to complete the book this month.
So that's it. That's what I'm trying to do. I'm sure there will be strange new unexpected obstacles but I'm going to find a way. Now, off to read my daily pages.
Wednesday, November 16, 2016
2016 has been a year of falling. And falling. And falling. And getting up. Today, I felt like maybe I wasn't learning the lesson - that maybe getting up ISN'T the point. I talked myself out of that, but it wasn't easy.
I have had two physical falls in the last couple of months. Yesterday, I took a very bad fall while on a work trip. Like call the EMTs, bleeding, totally scary, still shaky today, kind of fall. And I got back up again. But I am changed.
I realized today that this is how it happens. You fall (physically, mentally, spiritually) and it HURTS. And you are vulnerable. And you have to trust people will help you up. And they do. But you lose a little faith - in yourself, in your ability to cope, in your ability to get up. And then you don't want to take a path that isn't perfectly laid out, that isn't smooth as glass, that doesn't have 100% visibility. It's too dangerous. So you don't take that road. You don't take any road. And then the world gets a little smaller. And so does hope. And faith. And trust.
I realized today that I feel like I am disappearing. And that is unacceptable. But I don't know how to stop it. Falling HURTS. And I have been doing it all year. I can't do it much longer and that scares me, too. I am going to take some time to reflect on all of this. I have been ignoring some signals and I guess the real point is that I can't ignore them any longer.
I think I might be visiting here a bit more often right now. This is kind of a good place to reflect on some things.
Friday, July 22, 2016
I know I've been away for a while, and I can't say I'll post here regularly, but I do think I'm interested in exploring what I might have to say now. I feel like I'm in a wildly different place now which is exciting.
For anyone who still checks back, I thank you. I hope to be here more often in the near future!