Doubt and Self-Care

So I have been struggling with the blog - I've lost direction. I started out with a really personal journey and then some of that changed. Then I veered into some group participation, I took a telecourse and a writing course, I've been art journaling, learning photography.  All of this has been present here, along with some opinions, so silly posts, some videos, and some "life reporting" that gets boring - even for me.

There is so much in my head and so much that I want to do and say and then when I sit down to say it, I'm not always there at that moment.  It is frustrating.

So I have signed up for a class that I'm pretty excited about - it starts in January.  I feel like I lost my voice somewhere for this blog and I really want to find it. I am so proud of having been here for such a long time, for committing to regular posting - even when it isn't very inspired.  That commitment really means something to me and now I want to take it to the next level.  I don't plan on being a famous blogger or anything - I just want to be clear about what I'm doing here and what stories I want to tell - what I want to focus on.  I haven't been very focused and I need some help in that area.

So, look for some changes in the future - who knows where this will lead me.

This is the class I will be taking:

I'm stoked to take this class!  For more info, click here.

#Trust30 Day 7: Dare to Be Bold

#Trust30 is an online initiative and 30-day writing challenge that encourages you to look within and trust yourself. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your now, and to create direction for your future. 30 prompts from inspiring thought-leaders will guide you on your writing journey. Sign up below to receive the prompts by email. If you like this pledge, check out reverb10, it's inspiring.

Dare to be bold by Matt Cheuvront

Our arts, our occupations, our marriages, our religion, we have not chosen, but society has chosen for us. We are parlour soldiers. We shun the rugged battle of fate, where strength is born. – Ralph Waldo Emerson


“Next to Resistance, rational thought is the artist or entrepreneurs worst enemy. Bad things happen when we employ rational thought, because rational thought comes from the ego. Instead, we want to work from the Self, that is, from instinct and intuition, from the unconscious.


A child has no trouble believing the unbelievable, nor does the genius or the madman. Its only you and I, with our big brains and our tiny hearts, who doubt and overthink and hesitate.” - Steven Pressfield, Do the Work


The idea of “being realistic” holds all of us back. From starting a business or quitting a job to dating someone who may not be our type or moving to a new place – getting “real” often means putting your dreams on hold.


Today, let’s take a step away from rational thought and dare to be bold. What’s one thing you’ve always wanted to accomplish but have been afraid to pursue? Write it down. Also write down the obstacles in your way of reaching your goal. Finally, write down a tangible plan to overcome each obstacle.


The only thing left is to, you know, actually go make it happen. What are you waiting for?


(Author: Matt Cheuvront)

The only thing I can think of that I have always wanted to do, since I was old enough to talk, was to write a book.  The joke in my family was that I would write the book and my sister would illustrate it. I never let go of that dream/idea until well after I graduated high school. I think it was one of the dreams put aside "temporarily" when Roby was diagnosed with HIV.  I still always thought that I would write a book - sometimes I still do.

 Obstacles:

• Me. That's the main obstacle. In more than one way
• I haven't made the time.
• I don't have the confidence in my writing anymore - not like I did when I was a kid.
• Fear can be a powerful deterrent - fear of failure, fear of success, fear of criticism, fear of the unknown.

The plan:

I actually started a plan and started writing last year. I have been writing "Roby stories" because I think that is the place any book(s) I would write would start. That story is the one that sometimes leaps in my chest to get out. Not just about his illness and our experience of that - the funny stories, the goofy things we did, the happy memories I have and our times together. It would be a friendship story, not a tragedy. It has a tragic ending, but there was a lot of good in the story, too.

So, concrete plan is to return to my original plan - write about 750 words a day - gather the stories in one place - just get them out and then go back and start the crafting of the words.

Once I start crafting the words, I will look at the writing classes at PCC - they have several "Memoir" classes - that would be a place to start on a more serious path. 

Waiting Gifts

When I arrived home today, I was struggling to get the key in the lock so that I could run to the restroom (special share, I know) when I spotted a package by the door.  It was my brand new copy of the "Les Miserables 25th Anniversary Concert" that I saw in the movie theatre a couple of months ago.  I'm SO EXCITED to watch it again.  I love that I live in a time when we can have the things we love so close by and easily accessed.

I have always been one of those people who would rather see a known, loved movie than a new movie, so DVDs and videos are perfect for me. I watch movies over and over and over again. I like the comfort of knowing what is coming, that if I fall asleep, I won't have missed anything, that I can watch it again later.  Musicals are particularly great for that.

If you want to watch a couple of clips from the concert, you can pop over to the Video Inspiration page. I think I have been pretty good about adding labels so the videos are easy to find.

Other tidbits:  I am thinking again about how much the blog has changed. Last year was pretty challenging and there were lots of things I couldn't really bring to this forum. I think I got used to talking about non-essential stuff, but now, sometimes, I feel shy about bringing things up but feeling like I want to do something more.  I'm working on getting over it. :)

I bring this up because I am currently taking a writing class and I am *considering* posting pieces from the class here. I haven't decided yet.  I barely decided to say something about my writing class - it felt like something I wanted to keep to myself for a little while, but I realized I might want to post some of the pieces, so I decided I would float it out there.