Some stuff has happened recently that I can't really talk about here, but I feel a little paralyzed - I keep getting up and moving and working and doing all the stuff I have committed to, but internally, I am having all these doubts. I can feel the anxiety level rising daily. I think I am handling it pretty well, but I can almost feel my hair graying almost overnight.
I think one of the issues right now is that I have been engaged in the Life is a Verb Telecourse and as I think about the ideas and practices we are discussing/exploring, I am finding more and more that there are some parts of my life that are out of alignment with who I am and what I want out of life. Unfortunately, I don't really know how to change some of those things and I'm not sure I should/could/would. That creates all this tension - thinking about being out of alignment and what that means. Does that make me hypocritical? Or just a realist? Am I supposed to be learning the lessons I am presented with in these situations or am I supposed to move on to finding the lessons in places where my values and beliefs are more aligned with the situation I'm in? Is there a way to do both - to find my "true north" and still swing from the same trees, so to speak?
I am finding that I am sinking into the comfort of my age - knowing who I am and being comfortable with that in many ways. At the same time, there are many parts of my life, my goals, my dreams that remain unexplored. I guess I just keep moving forward. I don't think that I'm ever going to save the world or win a Nobel prize, but I know that I have much to learn and much to contribute. I just have to take some more time to find some of the questions for these odd answers I'm getting.