Realizations

"We either make ourselves happy or miserable. The amount of work is the same."~Carlos Castaneda

I wouldn't say I was miserable...just not feeling happy today.

Yesterday, I realized that there is a situation in my life that I have no control over and no way to change anything but my reaction to it. Just having that hit me in the face PISSED ME OFF. I had to remove myself from the situation. I was gone all day and as soon as I came back home and a person asked me about it, I was PISSED OFF with equal intensity - as if I hadn't been gone at all, hadn't thought about it, hadn't come to a decision about my position on the whole thing.

So, in a nutshell, I spent the day thinking, analyzing, deciding, calming myself and it was all for nothing. And the same situation presents itself today. The only difference is my choice to refrain from comment. Refrain from participation. I refuse to waste another day on something I can't control.

So, what did I do yesterday? Well, early in the day, I went to a movie. The next thing starting was "He's Just Not That Into You" which is a difficult title to say when you aren't looking at the words printed out in front of you. I kind of liked it, but I found myself frustrated by a lot of the things that were portrayed about women. And at the same time, I think they were telling the truth, but it is still annoying. The main character, GiGi is desperate to find her soul-mate and spends an exhaustive amount of energy and time being desperate, stalking, whining and generally doing stupid crap and scaring off any potential person by her sheer desperation. It was almost painful to watch. Then, when she realizes that the guy who has been coaching her on how the guys just aren't that into her is ACTUALLy into her, all those whiny, lame, desperate behaviors are used to make her seem like the hero of the piece. I don't know. I guess I'm jaded.

My true favorite part of this movie was just seeing Jennifer Aniston in a movie again. I love her.I have been watching "Friends" again, on and off, and I miss them all. I liked Ben Affleck in this movie and Bradley Cooper (who I think is HOT HOT HOT).  I still don't care for Jennifer Connelly. She doesn't have any spark for me at all - not in her voice, in her look, in her eyes, in the roles she takes.  I haven't seen her in anything that I thought was particularly impressive - although I have not seen "The House of Sand and Fog".  I heard that was amazing (and it has Ben Kingsley who is good in ANYTHING, except maybe that terrible John Cusack movie "War, Inc" which I wanted to like but ultimately HATED).  I also like Justin Long (who I recognized but couldn't remember where I had seen him until halfway through the movie...for those of you who still don't remember, he was in "Live Free or Die Hard". Yes. I saw that movie. And I liked it.)

Once the movie was done, I spent some time reading, and a lot of time driving around with all kinds of crazy thoughts in my head just trying to figure out what to do about the whole thing.   My only answer yesterday was to disengage.  And then there is the spate of thoughts about all the things I am satisfied with and unsatisfied with in my life and trying to sort them into categories of things I can change quickly, things I have to work on, things I can't even think about right now and things that are what they are and no amount of grousing or angst is going to change them.  That takes a lot of energy, which resulted in today's headache.

Anyway, today, I choose not to be pissed off. That isn't the same as choosing to be happy, but it is the closest I can get for now. And I'm happy about that, at least.