#Trust30 Day 8: Five Years

#Trust30 is an online initiative and 30-day writing challenge that encourages you to look within and trust yourself. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your now, and to create direction for your future. 30 prompts from inspiring thought-leaders will guide you on your writing journey. If you like this pledge, check out reverb10, it's inspiring.

Five Years by Corbett Barr

There will be an agreement in whatever variety of actions, so they be each honest and natural in their hour. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

What would you say to the person you were five years ago? What will you say to the person you’ll be in five years?

(Author: Corbett Barr)

Letter to Five-Years-Ago Jean:

Buy that yellow car! You will love it for a LONG TIME!  Start taking classes to finish your degree. Have more fun. Do more art. Read more. Go to the beach. Use up your PTO. Don't take everything so seriously.

Jean

Letter to Future Jean:

It should be getting easier, not harder. Keep doing things to lead you to joy. Read more. Have more fun. Do more art. Go to the beach. Use up your PTO. Don't take everything so seriously. You could finish your degree. Do it if you want to and get a degree in something you like.

Jean

Our Lady of Perpetual Patience

I took my shrine to Our Lady of Perpetual Patience and put her in a box because I am moving my office to a different space in my work site. Since the moment I put her in the box, I have felt decidedly less patient.  Today, once it was pointed out that Our Lady had not been properly honored, I realized the error of my ways. I will have to get her out tomorrow.

I even tried watching a couple of sitcoms on television tonight and I just got too irritated.  I had to stop and make a zentangle. I need more practice, but I'm not...wait for it...patient enough. Funny how that happens, huh?

Sunday Diversions

Well, it all started with trying to clear a place to do some art journaling and led to going through several piles of mail mixed with several catalogues  and several boxes that had been "temporary" home to some paperwork I needed to file. I spent the better part of the day shredding, moving, sorting paperwork. I also moved books from piles into boxes, but then I didn't really have a home for the boxes.

I didn't get around to making art, but I did manage to find, group and organize some of my art supplies, so I consider that a creative endeavor, as well.  I am hoping to continue in this vein until I get my desk set up to the point where I can leave some stuff out while I'm working on it.

I'm also working on some lists in my newest Listography book:  Music Listography. It is wild how much you forget when confronted with writing something down in a list. Things I thought I would never forget slip right out of my mind when I am trying to document them.  I will probably post on a couple of these lists in the near future, but I have to finish a couple before I do that.

It's too bad the weekends go by so quickly. I would love to have one additional day to continue projects, to go to the movies, to just relax. But, that's just not how it works for me right now. I'll live. :)  Now, off to make a list before going to bed. Happy weekend all!

Art Journal Every Day - Week 4 Check In

I went over to Balzer Designs today and found a great post about how to work through the week and do some Art journaling each day. Even though this is only for me and I am only really accountable to myself, I was relieved to see that prepping pages, cutting out images, etc. were considered part of the making of the art journal. I sort of thought I was cheating myself by considering those as part of my practice.

I spent some time actually making pages and I also signed up for the month of February for Art Journaling Every Day.

It's funny but the more I play around with images and do work in these journals, the more I want to do it. I think it is a great way to be in the moment - you can't really be thinking about other stuff while you are doing it. I'm just looking for the right colors and how I like the images and the materials. I sometimes put some music on, but it is really background noise that I'm not paying much attention to as I work.

I'm posting the pictures here, but I will be posting them on the Art Journal page (see the tab at the top of the blog under the banner).  I'm not 100% happy - one of them didn't turn out the way I wanted, but I think I will mess more with it and do some pen work or something. I'm not sure.  Right now, I'm just working with templates from one of the online classes I took. I'm trying not to worry about the end result as much as the process and using the templates.

I think that these seem unfinished. I guess because I started out with Teesha Moore's style, I feel like I should be messing with the pictures more - adding more doodling and art and penwork and changing the images. I think for a journal, it is okay not to change the images, but it is what I'm used to doing, so it feels like I forgot to do something. I tried to combine methods for a little while, but it was too complicated for someone like me who is working as a novice on all of this. I figure I would try a couple of different things, but keep the styles pure until I get the hang of it.

I also don't have a variety of materials - I think I need some more tapes and things that will help add variety to the pages. There just seem  to be these very specific places on each page where I feel like they need something.  I will get the hang of it eventually. It just takes practice. And I'm enjoying the practice, for sure.

TGIF Now Has Meaning

I know I have written this before, but I never understood the whole "TGIF" sentiment when I worked as a freelance interpreter. I worked nights, weekends, holidays, whatever.  My schedule was unpredictable, so I just enjoyed time off when I had it and when I didn't, I didn't.

Now that I work in an office and I go to the same place every day and do the same thing - very little schedule variation or event variation, I understand TGIF more. It doesn't represent a dislike of the job or of work at all. It is just an acknowledgement that it has been 5 days since the last day of rest. And more are needed.  That's all.

I worked LATE tonight, but I finished all my 2010 wrap-up items and am on target to keep up in 2011. :)  Me likey.

I'm happily tired and off to watch a couple of DVD episodes of the last season of "24". It is really like crack. Seriously.

Slides and Sickness

I bought a device so that I could transfer slides to digital. It didn't work on my desktop - in theory, this was because I didn't have enough memory for the program or is incompatible with the operating software or something.

I have been thinking about purchasing a netbook for more mobile computing - something small that I can travel with...so I bought one. Brand new. Has a new operating system. All the memory available. And the freaking slide device still doesn't work. :(

I'm guessing that it is because the device just a piece of crap. I'm unhappy because I have been trying to get this done for a long time now and I just don't even know what to do.  I have to check online to see if there are any answers out there, but I just had to vent my frustration.

And I was sick tonight, which doesn't help any.  I hope I'm not coming down with anything.

**I saved this as a draft, but didn't publish. Dang it. I know I'm sick when...

Day of Turbulence

Today, I experienced unexpected turbulence from the minute I woke up. I thought it was Saturday, which then had me hitting my snooze a couple of times before I realized that if it WERE Saturday, I would not need the snooze. A. Because I always wake up early on the weekends, except when I have to go somewhere and B. Because if I didn't have somewhere to go, I wouldn't have set the alarm in the first place.

I find these days that start strangely (confused, wake up late, wake from a bad dream, wake too early but too late to go back to bed) continue to be strange throughout the day. Today was no different. Small things threw me off today - silly, insignificant things that should not have any impact at all. I am currently moving between offices, so that is already difficult enough, but then I leave the thing I just had in the office I'm not in.

On my conference call, the change in the recording that tells you when you are muted has changed. I don't like it. It used to be a man saying, "Mute on." "Mute off."  Now it is a perky woman saying, "You phone is now muted." "Your phone is no longer muted." You can probably tell, just by looking at the sentences that the woman's sentences take longer. While she is talking, you can neither hear others nor be heard by the people on the line. So you have to wait. You know how they say that women start each day off with a larger bank of words than men do?  Well, no wonder. We can't just say, "Mute off." We have to give a dissertation on the qualities of being muted or not being muted. Grrr.

On my way home, I listened to the radio until I heard this:  A recent poll revealed that when asked the question, "If someone offered you your dream job but you could not use your personal email, Facebook, twitter while at work, would you turn the job down?"  11% of respondents said they would, in fact, turn the job down. I just thought that was scary. Your DREAM JOB. I guess I just imagine that if we were all doing our dream jobs, we would be so happy we wouldn't need to do that other stuff while we were working.  What also struck me was that it wasn't that you COULDN'T EVER use it, but that you just couldn't use it while at work. I don't know. Maybe my reaction is based on my mood.

Anyway, it just went on like that. Everything off just like 10 or 15%. I am feeling better now, but that is probably because I am safely at home and I don't have to interact with anyone.  I'm hoping tomorrow will be less...odd. Today wasn't BAD, it was just a little off-kilter.

Character Flaw?

I had an epiphany today after a couple of conversations.

When I was younger, my closest friend dubbed me "Melanie" like the character in "Gone with The Wind" (I should read the book sometime because I never really understood the reference).  When I asked her about it, she said that everyone liked Melanie and no one liked Scarlett (which she dubbed herself). I think she felt left out because I was able to relate to lots of different kinds of people.  She often "playfully" called me a pansy and milksop which always hurt my feelings, although I just denied it and got irritated.

As I got older, I found myself in relationships with other people who criticized me for "being nice" to people.  I spent a lot of time soul-searching to try to understand what was wrong with me - why "being nice" was such a bad thing in their eyes and why I couldn't stop doing it.

For a few years (I call it my "bitchy phase"), I tried to pull off aloof and sarcastic with Roby.  We wore black and wore sunglasses inside when it was completely unnecessary. We were snotty and annoying.  When we weren't around other people, we were our regular dorky selves.  It didn't take me long to realize that while I could handle being around "bitchy" people, I couldn't be one of those people purposefully. (Obviously, I am speaking generally. I can still be bitchy, but it usually isn't on purpose and then I feel bad afterwards. And yes, I can still be really sarcastic - there's no denying it.)

Later, I had a friend who actually tried to give me lessons in blowing people off. Again, I couldn't really do it. I can't even blow off a stranger. I have a magnet - lonely, desperate, sometimes "crazy" people find me because I make eye contact and treat them kindly. I don't know how to avoid it, I don't know how to get away. Sometimes I feel like politeness dictates having a conversation with the person, even when it is painful.

So, today, I realized that when people say things like, "You are too nice" or "Everybody likes you" (in a decidedly derogatory way), it is really a judgment. Today, I decided that being nice is NOT a character flaw. I learned to be nice to people because I spend my life moving. I learned to read a room, to make friends fast. I learned that burning bridges is never helpful because you never know who you are going to meet out there and you never know how they might impact your life in some way.  I believe that social graces ARE important - just because I don't want to be best friends forever doesn't mean I can't be sincere and pleasant and actually enjoy an encounter with a person. AND THAT'S NOT A BAD THING.

In some ways, I'm a little sad that it took me this long to figure it out. I knew it wasn't a bad thing - I just couldn't figure out why it felt so bad to have people tell me that I was "too nice". I just thought that I wasn't skilled enough in handling situations with  people and that it was some kind of immaturity or insecurity in me that caused this. All this time, I was feeling bad because my friends were judging me in ways that I thought were unfair and inaccurate, but I couldn't articulate it to them.

The thing I love about getting older is that you get to know yourself more and more and accept things that you can't or will not change. I hope that being "too nice" is my worst character flaw (I doubt it, but you know what I mean). I hope this isn't too rambling...I have been thinking about this all evening,  but I haven't put words to it until now and I'm not sure I'm saying exactly what I mean...

Personal Alarm Clock

I think I need a keeper.  I would love to have someone who comes and says to me, "Now it's time for you to do your art journal for 45 minutes.  Now it's time for you to read a book for 30 minutes. Now it is time for you to go to bed."  I'm sure it would annoy the heck out of me in very short order.

I have read before that people who are very visual-spatial have poor senses of time or sometimes no sense of time.  I can relate to that in many ways.  If I get immersed in a project, I could go for hours without really knowing that time has gone by.  So go my evenings.  I get home, have to do something about dinner, try to relax for a while and before I know it, it is past time for me to retire for the evening.  I keep trying to get my days changed around - to work earlier and LEAVE earlier (the leave earlier is the hardest part, honestly).  I find it difficult to get home at 7:00pm or 7:30pm and have a productive evening.  I know I am just approaching it all the wrong way - I just haven't figured out what works for me.

For now, I will have to live without the living, breathing alarm clock and just get my act together. I will. I know I will. The real question is:  When?

Art Journaling Check In - Week 3

I am disappointed that I haven't kept up with the Art Journal Every Day. I have spent more time finding images than anything else. That's important, too, but I haven't been putting anything to paper until this weekend. Finally, I was able to spend some time doing some work.

First, I decided to explore a little bit - I went back to my classes with Kelly Kilmer to try to get a handle on myself. JUST DO IT, Jean! That's what I was telling myself. I went ahead and watched a couple of the videos that are included in the class materials and that helped a bit. Then I went ahead and did a couple of pages from the templates she provides. I had limited access to my art papers, so I wasn't as happy with the pages as I would be if I had a full spread of colors and papers to choose from. Generally, I'm happy with the work because at least I did it. That's enough for me today.

I was going to work on some lettering practice, but I couldn't find the book I had on different styles, so I ended up doing some Zentangles. I like doing them, but they certainly take longer than I think they will.  This is the first time I have done any in ink. They look much better with the dark black ink than with pencil shading. Sometimes when you are trying to get a uniform look, the pencil has too many gradations - they are subtle but they don't have the conformity I was looking for.  So here are the two I did.  I'm still working on the second one but I had to stop because my eyes were tired.  I made some mistakes. I think I should just practice the designs for a while before I put them all together to make something.

It was good to create something, even if they aren't as "art-y" as I would like. Practice, practice, practice.  That's what I really need. I get too impatient with myself, so this is good for me.

Challenges in Posting

I went to a social media workshop last weekend and I think that it has definitely impacted me in terms of posting anything on the internet. While I have already posted photos and postings about my family and my life, this conversation was a welcome one about how we appear online and thinking about the impression we want to leave.

I know I have talked about this several times on the blog, but I feel it weighing on me right now, so I think something is definitely moving around in my brain. When I couple that with the fact that I want to be creating something, that I want to be writing something that is more than just a reflection of the days passing by, I sometimes get stopped by my own brain.

Anyway, I have been thinking about this the last couple of days and wanted to mention it here. When I have gone back in my archives a bit, I definitely notice shifts in intention, in style, etc. I suspect maybe there will be another one soon. Not sure where it will lead, but I'm getting ready.

On Entertainment

I turned on my television tonight when I got home from work and it was on whatever station shows "Entertainment Tonight". I normally don't watch that show, but my ABC channel isn't working well right now (I don't have cable, so I'm at the mercy of the weather, apparently. Gosh, don't you just love digital television? NOT!).

A few months (?) ago, I watched an episode of ET and Mary Hart was talking all about her experience at the funeral of some relative of some celebrity and how she had been very moved and choked up at the service. I was struck by the fact that she was making the story about HER, not about the family who was grieving for the loss of a loved one...

Fast forward to tonight - yet another recap of the Golden Globe awards (um, can we be done with that now?). This was from the perspective of the unknown guy who was at the Globes interviewing celebs for ET on the red carpet. They showed him mopping his brow from various angles, showed people yelling at him, showed him not paying attention to instruction when the director was telling him to wrap the interview he was doing. The WHOLE STORY was about HIM. I don't even know his name. Not only do I not want to watch ANOTHER wrap up of a show that aired on Sunday, but I particularly don't want to watch ET make itself and its reporters the story. If you don't have anything to say about ENTERTAINMENT, perhaps the show is old and tired and needs to be put to rest. I mean, really...

Oy. I'm glad it is Friday.

Is It Friday yet?

I have been discombobulated all week. On Tuesday, I thought it was Monday. On Wednesday, I thought it was Thursday. Today, I knew it was Thursday, but I didn't trust that the week was going to end. It hasn't been a bad week or anything - I just can't wait for the weekend for some reason this week. I've been feeling tired and not feeling like I've been getting enough sleep this week. It could be that the CRAZY DREAMS I've been having have not been that restful. Stuff with characters from Buffy, work dreams, dreams with elephants and dinosaurs and giant birds and the ocean freezing over. WEIRD.

So, I'm ready for the weekend. A little art, a little rest, some cleaning, maybe some catch up work. Doesn't matter though - the weekend just has a whole different vibe to it.

Reading Check-In

I haven't implemented my reading 30 minutes a day yet. I kind of gave myself a pass for January - I consider this month a non-starter - we are all wrapping up stuff that needs to be finished from last year. So I am looking to do clean-up on a couple of things and then I am hoping to really focus in on some of the things I really want to do this year.

I was trying to figure out what I wanted to write about last night and wandered over to Nablopomo and they had a prompt I liked. I don't always groove to the prompts they have, but this one seemed appropriate.

What are the next five books you want to read?
1. Creative is a Verb
2. The Mysterious Benedict Society
3. The Story of Edgar Sawtelle
4. New Fannie Flagg Book (I can't remember the title)
5. ANYTHING!! I need to READ!!

Free Poster from "Kind Over Matter"

If you go over to Kind Over Matter, you can print a "Free Positive Thoughts" poster. I love this idea and printed one to bring to my office.

Giving Lea Michele Her Due

Sometimes there are people who are so incredibly talented, they make everything seem so easy and everything they do is outrageously good and they are not appropriately acknowledged. As I watched the other "Glee" Golden Globe winners make their way up to the stage, I watched how happy Lea Michele was for them and how proud she seemed to be to be with the show. She was nominated for an award, too, but I think a variety of factors worked against her.

I love Chris Colfer and I love Jane Lynch (I have mixed feelings about her character, Sue Sylvester) and I'm glad they won and I'm glad that "Glee" won for best comedy, musical or (whatever the third thing is). At the same time, I think it really is important to recognize that Lea Michele is the talent that they keep giving Barbra Streisand songs, who sang with Idina Menzel and held her own. Her character may not be the one we identify with all the time, but the voice, the talent she possesses is undeniable.

I hope, sometime soon, Lea Michele gets the recognition and accolades she deserves for her spectacular talent. In the meantime, I have included two videos from her pre-"Glee" career. Enjoy!



2007 Tony Awards and the Cast of "Spring Awakening"

In Memory of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Art Journaling Update

I took today to go through some of my papers from the online classes I have taken for Art Journaling. I printed up all the materials and I haven't really organized or started either one of them, so I decided that's what I would do.

I didn't get to the art part today as I was organizing and cutting things out of some magazines and organizing those pages and pictures and phrases.  As I was doing it, I also looked at the two different kinds of journals I have been working in and thinking about what it is exactly that I'm doing.

I thought maybe I could do both or mix it up a little, but I realized that there are two or three issues that are really the things that stop me from moving forward.

1. Teesha Moore style art journaling and visual journaling with collage for a journal are really different.
2. I'm not sure which one I'm looking for so I haven't been able to pick a style or even to do both.
3. Perfection rearing it's ugly head again. It comes in a lot of forms but mostly, when it comes down to it, it is me judging myself against some external standard. On the face of it I can see it for what it is - um, HI.  I'm not doing this for money or a grade. Why does it have to be perfect? Try it.  But there are still the little niggling doubts. 

Anyway, that's where things are at tonight. I was hoping for some art-a-palooza this weekend, but it just didn't happen. Obviously, there is still tomorrow, but I did work on some stuff. Getting things ready just means I won't have to spend that time another day.

Another project:  Set up my art space so that I don't have to set up and take down EVERY TIME I want to do something. That takes up so much time, by the time I get everything ready, my time is up or I'm not in the mood any more.  I need a dedicated space to make it easier. I guess it would take away an excuse not to have made a page or done something artful other than the prep work.  

Crazy Decision Day

Today was one of "those" days. I started out making bad decisions and everything I did during the day just needed a little tweak.

The big decisions were all pretty good and I ended up staying at a workshop I had wanted to attend, but didn't think I would. I forgot my checkbook and a friend took care of it for me (in exchange for dinner/coffee together and payback). The workshop was really good, but I had to leave a little early due to another commitment. I didn't leave early enough and then I ended up not being ready for that, but I did go.

Had dinner with a group of new friends and laughed so hard my throat is sore. Good, clean fun.

All in all, a really good day - it was nice, once again, to be seen as Jean the human and the interpreter instead of manager, coordinator, etc.  Just being a human being with thoughts and opinions and perspectives was really excellent.

Updated News

Miraculously, my friend is doing better. They didn't think she would be able to be removed from the respirator and yet, today, unexpectedly, she was able to breathe on her own for a long period of time. She is still on the respirator and will be until she is able to pass their medical milestones, but that is still progress.

Thank you all for your good thoughts and prayers - obviously, they are helping. Her family was quite relieved. Obviously, she is still in a serious situation and we are all quite worried, but this seemed like a glimmer of hope for a better outcome than we were expecting.

Friday is a welcome relief today. My brain couldn't quite settle anywhere and I was so happy to know that I don't have to be "functional" for a couple of days. So, for the remainder of the post, I am just adding some bird photos from the other day.  A couple of birds came to the bird feeder and I was able to get a couple of photos - not great ones, but that's fine.

I didn't get a great photo of both birds together - I was wishing I had more zoom on my lens, but this was full 16X zoom.