What if, after all this efforting to be a better person, to live up to my own expectations, to write because I have stories to tell, to be good at my job, to be kind, what if it kind of doesn't really matter?
What if all the things I am good at and have spent time becoming good at are all the things that I need to shed and I really need to build something all new and different to live the kind of life that I want? What if I don't see it until it is too late? What if I don't know how to let go of things because I tend to hold on too long and too tight? And even when I am drowning in things, in memories, in stuff, immobile, why can't I throw the thing away or delete the email or sell the cds I never listen to?
All these demons are in me today. I know they are roaring because I eek closer to being on the journey I want to be on. I take a step forward, but my other-self, my self-defense self, my child-self, my scared-of-disappearing self howl until I back up a half step. I do not know the answers to any of the questions I ask today. I'm pretty sure that some of them lurk around the corner, ready to pounce on me when I am weak or too slow to react. I'm almost ready. If I know the predator is hiding in the bushes, isn't that more prepared than not knowing there is a predator at all?
Sometimes my thoughts spin me right around. I wonder what direction I will be facing tomorrow.