Tuesday, September 15, 2009

What if...?

What if, after all this efforting to be a better person, to live up to my own expectations, to write because I have stories to tell, to be good at my job, to be kind, what if it kind of doesn't really matter?

What if all the things I am good at and have spent time becoming good at are all the things that I need to shed and I really need to build something all new and different to live the kind of life that I want? What if I don't see it until it is too late? What if I don't know how to let go of things because I tend to hold on too long and too tight? And even when I am drowning in things, in memories, in stuff, immobile, why can't I throw the thing away or delete the email or sell the cds I never listen to?

All these demons are in me today. I know they are roaring because I eek closer to being on the journey I want to be on. I take a step forward, but my other-self, my self-defense self, my child-self, my scared-of-disappearing self howl until I back up a half step. I do not know the answers to any of the questions I ask today. I'm pretty sure that some of them lurk around the corner, ready to pounce on me when I am weak or too slow to react. I'm almost ready. If I know the predator is hiding in the bushes, isn't that more prepared than not knowing there is a predator at all?

Sometimes my thoughts spin me right around. I wonder what direction I will be facing tomorrow.

1 comment:

  1. You know what? I have been thinking very similar things.

    And yet seeing you ask them here, gives me a clarity I don't have for myself.

    The answer is "of course it matters sweetie. and you are perfect as you are, and walking exactly where you need to go, at just the right pace."

    That applies to both of us! Thank you for this post and letting me see the answer clearly ;)




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