Day 35: Bouncing Back

Deep breathing is helping.  Smiling helps.

Then I was sorting through my home email account (I don't much check it anymore because I am on email ALL DAY LONG at work...) .  I had signed up for Oprah.com's "Miracle Thought" from Marianne Williamson and she had the perfect thought for today...

"Salvation begins when you consider that there might be another way."  from A Course in Miracles Workbook

"Consider it. There might be another way. Don’t avoid your life. This is it. Everything you are experiencing right now is the platform for a miracle. Heaven isn’t out there, later – it is here now."

In my workplace, we have a sign that says, "Choose your Attitude".  It is kind of dorky and a VERY non-professional sign, but I see it every day when I come in the door.  For a long time, I thought about it every day when I walked towards my office...OH!!  Epiphany!!  We have a big board welcoming visitors that is COVERING IT!!  It has been there all week. Maybe that is part of my problem!!!  

Anyway, today, I was back on track.  When I felt stressed or frustrated, I went and sought out people.  I got up and walked around.  I did something DIFFERENT.  It helped.  It didn't make the stress disappear, but it took away some of the bite.

Now, on to the weekend.  I'm sure the next two days will be informative for me in this grand experiment.  

Day 34: Sick and Tired

I must be on the verge of some discovery or change because this week is turning out to be crappy.  Crapilicious.  Craptacular.  Crap-on-a-stick.

And now to top it all off, I am feeling pukey and sick. I don't know how to spell pukey, but it is a good word.  And no, it isn't swine flu.  

Blech.

So, perhaps some miraculous self-discovery moment will happen sometime tonight and I can write about it tomorrow.  But for now, bleh.  I'm going to go lay down.  

Day 33: Journey On

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” ~Winston Churchill 

I should have taken my lunch today...I didn't.  I meant to and then suddenly it was 5:00pm.  It was all I could do to stick it out for the full 8.5 hours...I don't know why.

That's not true. I do know why.  I feel restless. I want to clean everything and throw everything away.  I want to just start all over again - clean slate. Not just at work, but everywhere.  

I feel like I have lost my ability to focus, to stay tuned into anything for longer than 10 minutes.  I'm worried that I did all this thinking and writing and wondering for the last 33 days and when it all comes down to it, what did I accomplish?  Did I change? Did my perceptions change?  Did I pick an easy way out?  What should I have chosen to do?  Did I sabotage myself? Can I just maintain until the 37 days are done?  What will I do after?

I realized tonight how fractured my life is and therefore, how fractured I feel.  I have my full-time job, where I earn my living and get my benefits.  I have my creative jobs, I have teaching (not right now), and I have my (ahem) personal life.  In some ways, all of these things are intricately tied together - in that they are all about interpreting, interpreters, providing services to Deaf people, etc.  But I feel unfulfilled personally, creatively.  I love doing this blog and I have all these thoughts about art and music and photography.  I feel such a longing for beauty and creativity - for books, poetry, writing, theatre.  And I don't do it.  

What is wrong with this picture?  What am I doing?  I feel like I'm holding my own head underwater.  It isn't anyone else...what am I afraid of?  What could life be if I could just DO IT.  Whatever it is.  

I don't even know where the person is who was capable of all that stuff.  I feel like I'm losing myself in some ways.  This 37 Day Challenge has helped me see myself- in some good ways and some less good ways.  I think this realization is the one I have been afraid of having.  This kind of river of dissatisfaction flowing through me...questioning what I'm doing, where I'm going.  I knew I would find myself, but in finding the person I want to be, I see her across an ocean of who I am.  

I don't even know how to talk about it rationally.  I just have this ache in the pit of my stomach.  It hasn't gotten better - it has gotten deeper.  I have to figure out what I need to do to ease it.  Wow.  So much work to do. Every step I take, I see the road just get longer.  I guess when the road ends, so do I, so I should be grateful.  I am grateful. I am.  Just tired.  

Day 32: Downhill at this stage?

I had a hard day today.  Just some realizations that I think I already knew but that I had to relearn.

I realized (again) that no matter how hard I try, I cannot please everyone.  And mostly, the displeasure or pleasure that people feel about you may or may not be about you at all.  It may be about the swirling of their universe around them and you can't even see it, much less affect it.

No matter how nice, how flexible, how accomodating, how patient, how clear, how kind, how attentive you are, it is not enough for most people.  And that has to be okay.  

Today, I had a hard time being ok with it.  Then I get frustrated with myself for not remembering this before I got frustrated in the first place.  

I guess I should expect some speed bumps.  It all comes from being more aware.  That's never a bad thing, just not always the easiest thing to be.

Day 31: More Flower Photos

I have a "family function" today. I go because it is important to my mother, but otherwise, there is no love lost between the other members of my family and I. Some pretty intense, harsh, unforgettable things were said.

I want to be able to be Zen about these things because I can't avoid them without being the bitch who wouldn't play. I can accept that this is one of those things I *have* to do. But I hope I can get to a place where it doesn't ruin my day, make my neck clench up and keep me so on edge.

My goal is to go, to be friendly, to avoid controversial topics, to nod and smile - just like being at work. I can do it. I'm just not happy about it.

So, that's why I'm posting more flower pictures. They are happy. Does anyone know what kind of flowers the pink ones are? The pink and white ones from last week are cherry blossoms. The white ones from this set are apple blossoms. But the pink ones, I just don't know.

Day 30: Time for Myself

Today, I look forward to some down time. Time away. Quiet time. Beach time. I think I'm going to go to the beach in May for at least a few days to chill and think and relax. No matter what kind of person I am or strive to be, I gotta have some time for myself.

[image from here]

Bea Arthur: Television Trailblazer

I remember watching pieces of "Maude" on T.V. when I was little. I didn't always understand why people were laughing, but I remember recognizing this woman who seemed fearless and powerful and commanded attention. She had a deep voice like my mom. There was something about her that I admired, even when I was just 6 or 7 years old. Something about her presence resonated deep in me - even before I turned out to be 5'11" + with an alto voice.

Bea Arthur, Broadway actress, T.V. Hall of Fame member, star of "Maude" and "The Golden Girls" and Tony Award Winner for "Mame", passed away this morning in her sleep. She was 86.

Wouldn't it be great to be a role model like that? To leave a legacy for women to look up to? Not necessarily on that large of a scale, but to know you made a difference somehow...that is a life well-lived, I think.

I'm gonna have to go out and get some episodes of "Maude" to watch...

Day 29: Unconcious Patterns

“Our character is basically a composite of our habits. Because they are consistent, often unconcious patterns, they constantly, daily, express our character...” ~Stephen R. Covey

On Patti Digh's blog today, she talked about patterns and finding the patterns in our 37 Days Challenge. I decided to think about that today.

One of the great values of this exercise, for me, is that instead of falling into some of my old patterns, I have been able to keep this journey present in my mind daily. I wouldn't say in the front of my mind exactly, but ever present.

I haven't necessarily been successful at the HOW of it (30 minutes at lunch every day thinking about the kind of person I want to be - what is there, what needs work, what I need to figure out). I have been successful at incorporating those qualities and focusing on them more. I find myself trying not to multi-task while on the phone (I'm not at 100% yet). I make sure to make eye contact with the person I am talking to face to face - acknowledging people, thanking them for whatever I can, smiling more. I have been trying to enjoy my connections, my time, my activities more.

I have work to do. I have some things I haven't done - mostly commitments to myself that I haven't lived up to. That is my pattern. Even in this exploration of self, it has been mostly outwardly focused. I don't think it is a bad thing - to treat others more compassionately, to try to be kinder and more present. However, there are some things I need to do for myself.

I will be taking a vacation in May - that will be for me. :) I will be seeking out opportunities for connection and joy because those things will sustain me in the times when I need to focus on others and other issues. I'm not done with this challenge - still a few days left, and still some items on my list. Some things will morph into other actions, reactions and pursuits. It is an exciting time and a scary one. I feel at times like I haven't done enough. I haven't thought deeply enough or really touched on what needs to be touched on...is that fear? I will keep looking, keep asking, keep trying.

Today, I think I helped someone feel good about themself on a really, really emotional and difficult day for them. Even if it was only for a moment.

Day 28: Holding Pattern

I had a show today. I don't know why, but almost everything in my life grinds to a screeching halt on show day. I don't deal with any of that stuff because I am trying to focus on the show and the translations and just getting to the place I need to be to stand up in front of 3,000 people and wear my heart on my sleeve. That's what theatrical interpreting feels like to me most of the time.

I love it, but it is exhausting, emotionally, for me.

I want to be the best I can be - as a team, as an interpreter, as the person conveying the story to others. I want to be less high-strung about it - i.e., life happens on show days, but I don't want to lose the passion or the drive or the joy that I feel when doing, seeing or rehearsing for theatre.

Day 27: Egads! How Did I Get Here?

Where did the time go? Day 27 of 37? I can't even believe it!

I have swung on the pendulum of this experience today. I started the morning seeing an MSN story called "The New Narcissism" and while I did not read it, I was struck with the thought - "Who am I to be blogging? Who am I to be focusing on myself when there are so many worthy things in the world to be focused on? Why am I not more focused on Earth Day and helping people and... and...and..." I threw off judgement of myself pretty quickly, and proceeded to have a heck of a day with a few bright spots thrown in.

I laughed a bit today. I handled a situation I would normally have put off because it was hard. I asked for help. I spoke my truth in a respectful way. I went to see a less-than-perfect show with Roby's mom and step-dad and through their eyes, had a much better, enjoyable experience.

I want to be a person who stays in touch with her best friend's mother. That's who I wanted to be today. And I did it.

Although I have had doubts and criticisms of myself during this challenge (am I doing enough? too much? am I selfish? should I do something else? what if I don't figure it out? what if I'm on the wrong track?), I feel it with me daily. I feel like I'm more positive, having more fun, more open to other people (mostly) and to myself. I am thinking about good things and positive steps and ways that I can succeed at this. It is very exciting.

Day 26: Where I Stand Now

I think it is FASCINATING how this experience teeter-totters me weekly from feeling on top of the world to despairing at how far I have to go to get to being the person I want to be. I don't have to take a lunch to think about it. Every action, every word I say or think or feel reverberates through me.

Right now, I am struggling with a few connected issues. I am struggling to be heard and struggling with the restraint I feel I must use in speaking. I am in a position where I can't necessarily give people my full opinion or feel free to express myself fully. I'm a talker, a story-teller, and I find myself becoming quieter and more reserved about sharing my voice (except here). So, when I do speak, I sometimes feel discounted, invisible. I don't think it is personal - I think it is about other things. So why does it matter? Why am I feeling so frustrated when sometimes the most simple acknowledgement would alleviate some of this feeling.

I know I am being vague. It isn't just in one area of my life - it is in several. I don't know what this is all leading to...I think a discovery is on the way...I hope I can get there in the next 12 days. Not that this journey will be over then, but I would love for it to come within the confines of this 37 Day Challenge.

Day 25: Patience

“Patience is the companion of wisdom.” St. Augustine

I picked this quote because one of my biggest lessons in life has been patience. Patience to listen to things that I don't want to hear. Patience to do things I don't want to do and know that it will be over soon. Patience to wait for others to catch up to my thinking or patience for myself when I know my thinking isn't where I need it to be.

I hope when I get done, I will have also gained more wisdom...

End of Civilization As We Know it?? (Day 24)

Two years ago, YouTube wasn't even a twinkle in my eye. I don't even know when YouTube came into existance. In some ways, it seems like it has always been around (I'm so used to it) and in others, it is still fascinating and eats up hours of time I don't really have to spare. What would life look like without it? I can't really remember clearly...

Then I read an article about YouTube and the price of bandwidth at Slate.com.Basically, it says that Google is going to lose something like $450 million dollars this year because user-generated material (specifically videos in the case of YouTube) take up so much bandwidth and advertisers tend not to purchase ad space on the most popular "viral videos". The implication was clear - YouTube could be going down the boo-Tube.

When I read the article, it created a little flutter in my heart, a little panic - "How can I save my videos in case YouTube disappears?" Other websites have disappeared that I loved and I lived, so I would probably be fine...

HOWEVER

Life as we know it now would be so different without access to YouTube videos of cats jumping out of their skin , kids reciting all the presidential famous quotes, little girls singing precociously in perfect precious pitch, ordinary housewives stunning the world with their beautiful singing voice, music videos, clips of old interviews or Randy Graff singing "I Dreamed a Dream" on "The Tonight Show".

It's going to be fascinating to see what will happen in the future. Will people pay for something they once got for "free"? Look at cable TV. What's one more thing we pay another monthly fee for - phone, Netflix, internet, cable, YouTube, Facebook, MySpace, all major newspapers, etc. It's gonna be interesting. At a time in our economic history when we can't really afford luxuries, we are ALL ABOUT LUXURY. What can we live without? What are the items people will pare down ultimately? What services and companies will survive?

Ooh...It got serious there for a minute... I just want to be able to watch my African Alphabet video from Sesame Street and Alison Moyet's appearance on "Late Night with David Letterman" back in 1987 and Bernadette Peters singing "Time Heals Everything" or Martin Luther King, Jr.'s "I Have a Dream Speech" or Peter, Paul and Mary singing "Blowing in the Wind".

I have other favorites that are not necessarily accessible to all - some in sign language, some that are more insider to the interpreting community...but I close with a beautiful song and a memory from 1980-

I Sing the Body Electric (1980 Fame) 

See what I mean?  Things that make you go HMMMM.

Day 23: I want to be Brave

Today, I decided I wanted to be brave. So, after rehearsing for my next show for much of a beautiful sunny day, I decided I would try to take some photos with my semi-new digital camera.  I have this kind of silly plan to make my own banner for the blog if I can get the pictures I want.

I'm sure folks may be thinking, "What's brave about that?" but then I would have to refer you to posts about Perfectionism.  I tend to shy away from things I don't pick up right away...how I ever managed to become an interpreter, I will NEVER know - it didn't come easy, that's for sure!

Here are the results of a foray into bravery - from my backyard. Please forgive the number of pictures - I was so happy so many came out fairly decently.  I'm not going to be taking photos for National Geographic anytime soon, but I'm happy.

P.S. Special Thanks to McKay who told me to take lots of photos of the same thing and see which ones look good. :)

Day 22: I'm not through

"When you are through changing, you are through."~Bruce Barton

This 37 Day Challenge has softened my perspective. I'm not really doing anything that different than I was 22 days ago, but it FEELS different. Smiling more. Thinking happier thoughts. Thinking about my reactions, my perceptions. Thinking about how to treat other people better. Understanding people a little more or giving them more room to be imperfect, too. Seeing the beauty in small things.

I have always been proud that I have not let go of the inner child - the person who can find the joy in small things, who can play, who can appreciate the details, the colors, the sights and sounds of the world. I hadn't lost it recently, I just hadn't let the kid out! Even in small ways, this journey is making a difference.

There are other things I want to work on for 37 Days, but I want to finish THIS. I don't want to get distracted away because I know this is helping me and when I'm done - mostly keeping my commitment to myself, sometimes falling down- I will be better able to accomplish the next thing.

Ahhh...Harry Potter fix. I Know, I'm an Adult.

I don't care! I love the Harry Potter books and this trailer looks excellent! I love the books not only because J.K. Rowling told a great story that was very tight and interesting, even for adults, with characters you can relate to or sympathise with...I love the books because it brought reading to a whole generation of non-readers. I have met so many young people who said they hadn't read books before Harry Potter and now they are voracious readers. What an amazing feat!

So, enjoy!

Day 21: Forgiveness

"The first step in forgiveness is the willingness to forgive." ~Marianne Williamson

I didn't take a lunch today or specifically think about who I want to be.  I got to see the results of some actions I have taken to experience more joy, I listened to a CD during my drive that was really the highlight of my day.  I had a few laughs with people, worked hard, was grumpy for a while when I got home, but overall, I feel a change in demeanor...I'm feeling less hunched over from my world, my responsibilities, my choices.

I'm willing to forgive myself for not being perfect.   I'm willing to forgive folks for what I perceive as slights or trespasses.  Every day is a new day. Every day is an opportunity to choose again, to refocus, to revisit the person I want to become, the joy of life.  My heart is full of that right now.  It feels good.

Day 20: Dreaming

"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them."~Walt Disney

I think it is fascinating how things turn and tip suddenly. I was feeling so serious and so single-minded about my 37 Day Challenge. I had a procedure and I had an outcome that I was expecting on a daily basis. That single-mindedness (closed mindedness?) limited me to a certain kind of thinking - that the qualities I respect in someone were only noble and difficult to attain.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

When I got distracted (by a quote, a thought, someone laughing), I started to look around me and see other qualities I was overlooking in my serious endeavor. Laughter. Joy. Dreaming. Suddenly, those ideas are flowing in my direction - from the multiple exposures to Susan Boyle singing on "Britain's Got Talent" on The Metaphorical Magpie and 37Days to the appearance of quotes from Disney, a delivery of a stuffed Bernard from "Where the Wild Things Are".

Right now, I'm dreaming of going to NYC this June to see the interpreted performance of "The Lion King", a trip to the beach for a week, a good old-fashioned tear-jerker, a good book, a night out with friends. All attainable. All JOYOUS.

This is a good day. And I even owed taxes and didn't cry. That's a good day.

Day 19: The Great Work Begins

Ok. Now I am in the home stretch...I have passed the halfway mark.

I feel a little like I'm not doing enough or thinking enough or making enough happen - that is my emotional response. My rational response is that I have been very focused on this endeavor, even though it doesn't always look like I think it should (lunch, sitting, contemplative, epiphanies...).

I realized this week that I am going again and again to the topic I have gravitated to in this blog more than one time. I want to be a person who experiences joy more regularly. I don't think it has to be that I walk around on cloud nine all the time, floating on happiness. I just mean doing and saying and reading and watching and participating in things that bring me joy. Friends, family, reading, theatre, music, beautiful days, movies- where do those things fit into my world? How can I keep them present in my mind and my priority list in this chaotic, busy life I lead? How can I tame the business (the chaos is not really mine to control) and really take this goal in hand and make it happen?

I have a lot of work to do. But good work. In the words of Tony Kushner, "More Life. The Great work begins."

Day 18: Living Dreams

Yesterday, I visited Rachel at The Metaphorical Magpie and I was really, inexplicably moved by the woman in the clip she posted here. I watched the clip several times and even teared up the first time I saw it. Aside from the fact that she sang one of my ALL TIME favorite songs, I realized how proud I felt of her.

I want to be a person who lives her dreams. I haven't visited them in a long time.

Something important to think about.