When No One is Looking - KITB

From Kick In The Blog:  So, who are you today? Is it who you thought you'd be?


The photo from the above post was what really intrigued me. It said, "You are who you are when no one is looking."  To that end, I thought I would write a little about when no one is looking.

When no one is looking, I'm playing solitaire with my headphones on and tears roll down my face when I hear the music that I'm playing. It isn't that I'm listening to sad songs - I'm not...it is the beauty of the music and the catharsis that music brings. When no one is looking, I'm singing to some Broadway musical in my car at the top of my lungs. When no one is looking, I'm loving "Glee" and watching the jukebox on the DVD - especially the episodes with Kristin Chenowith.  When no one is looking, I'm looking at decorating magazines and wishing I was a little more crafty or a little more daring. I love Chris Colfer and I hope he has an incredible career ahead of him - when I watch him, I wish Roby were still alive to see his character and to see his star rise. When no one is looking, I still behave as if someone is looking - I'm a rule-follower - it gives me boundaries and parameters. I don't know why - I think I really was born with that sense. I don't remember ever being any different - I like knowing the expectations and then I like living up to them.

It is interesting to think about how we are different when we are with other people and how we are alone.  I think this goes back to one of my recent posts about dreaming - the same goes with living, in many ways. I just realized a long time ago that I am who I am and I make few apologies for it (notice I didn't say NO apologies...).  Obviously, we go into a work situation differently than a family gathering - maybe not personality-wise, but just in terms of appropriate behavior. From my experiences moving around as a child to the losses I've had as an adult, I have just always felt that pretending was too big a waste of time. I've got stuff to do and I just want to get to it.

Kickintheblog.com is the brainchild of Jessica Rosenberg ~ It's my life...
Come back often for new prompts to kick you out of your blogging rut! 

KITB: What Do You Dream?

From Kick in the Blog:  We live our lives day in and day out and all of us harbor some dream or other. Whether we believe that dream will ever be realized is neither here nor there.

What's your dream? Is it for you? For your kids? Can it come true?Do you even really want it to?

The way I dream changed the day Roby told me he had AIDS.  In those terrifying hours, a new way of thinking took over for me and I still feel the effects of that day, that event.  We stopped thinking about our future in terms of decades and years and started living in the now.  I think I mostly do that still and there are definitely pros and cons.

When I turned 30, I realized that I had no idea what I was going to do with the rest of my life - I had never imagined being 30 because I had always known that Roby would not be around by the time I got there.  I realized that I had to figure out what the hell I was going to do and get to it.  

Now, I dream and do.  I still have dreams of writing, so I write. I take workshops and keep the blog and write emails at work. Maybe that will be enough - maybe someday, I will write something more.  I dream of being art-ful, so I am actively finding ways to incorporate art in my life. I had given up on art when I was young and it is so fulfilling to find it now. I will never make a living being an artist but that isn't the dream for me - my dream is living a colorful life, playing in exploration of words and colors and images in the world. I am doing that and I'm so happy to be doing it.

I would still love to live a summer at the beach, maybe a whole year. I think this one is a long way off for me, but not impossible. I'm not in a hurry at this point, so that's okay.

Right now, my most immediate dream is to take a vacation - a real, live relaxing vacation.  It is coming. I'm planning it now. :) 

Kickintheblog.com is the brainchild of Jessica Rosenberg ~ It's my life...
Come back often for new prompts to kick you out of your blogging rut! 

Where Did it All Begin? -KITB

Where Did It All Begin?
Everything has a beginning. A shiny moment when ideas and opportunities click, and something is started. Then, sometimes, a little ways down the road, we forget the why and the how of the thing that started it all. The thing gets a little tarnished and we lose the energy that made it fun at the start.

As you sit here, mojo nowhere in sight, tell us, where did it all begin? How did the shiny idea start?

When I decided to write about this, I was thinking about how I got involved in theatrical interpreting, but I think I have already written about that here...I worry that I keep saying the same things over and over and even I will be bored with myself. :)

I started this blog a little while after someone at work shared their blog with me. I was fascinated with the idea and hadn't really explored the blogosphere AT ALL at that point. I didn't have a camera except in my sidekick phone, I hadn't done anything really artistic in a long time (I painted some tiles at Ceramica about 7 or 8 or 9 years ago...).  I had pretty much given up on writing anything but emails at work.  I had played around with Homestead trying to make a website to honor Roby and I really liked playing with images and trying to put something together that was visually interesting. I had put together Signplay.com to advertise interpreted theatrical performances in Oregon but I felt limited by my own lack of skill, so I thought maybe a blog would help me figure out how to do something more.

I started with this blog and then I realized I wasn't really sure what I was doing so I started looking for something else. I did my Pink blog that I still have up but I don't mess with too much - it was the first place I did Nablopomo as a test. It was a failure in naming conventions, first of all. I hadn't figured that part out yet. I think I was looking for more anonymity but then I was like, "Um, duh, it is on the internet. It isn't anonymous." I'm good with that now. :)

I started it a couple of days before the anniversary of Roby's death and I think it started as a repository for Roby stories and thoughts that I just needed to get out and then it grew into something so much more than that, even though that is a big thing in itself.

Sometimes I think about stopping - or only blogging when I have something REALLY IMPORTANT to say. Then I thought - what if I don't have anything "really important" to say - just my ordinary self and my ordinary thoughts. That is worth something. I like ordinary. I like no-drama. I like the little glimpses we get into people's lives through blogs.   I have taken classes, met authors, gone to workshops, made new friends, done crazy art, learned about photography, and I have made a commitment to blog here for whatever it is worth.

It's a crazy thing, but I am so happy that I started.

The information in italics is from Kick In the Blog: Kickintheblog.com is the brainchild of Jessica Rosenberg ~ It's my life...
Come back often for new prompts to kick you out of your blogging rut!

Escaping - KITB

Where Do You Go When It's Time For Escape?
"When I was small and easily wounded, books were my carapace. If I were recalled to my hurts in the middle of a book, they somehow mattered less. My corporeal life was slight; the dazzling one in my head was what really mattered." ~ Lauren Groff The Monsters of Templeton
Books have always been my means of escape. When life gets to be too much to swallow I either slip on my sneakers and go for a run or I grab a book and fly away. For hours I dive into another person's life and live vicariously through them. When I emerge I feel a bit more able to deal with my own life.


How do you escape your reality? What gives you reprieve from your life when it gets to be too much?

I think this is my biggest problem right now - I haven't been doing much to escape my reality, so I don't always feel like I'm getting a reprieve from my life.  I don't always feel it, but sometimes it creeps up on me.

I guess if I had to choose something, I would say that I use the internet for escaping now more than books. I really want to stop doing that, though. I know that the escape I find in books is much more satisfying and REAL. The other way that I sort of escape reality is through working in my art journals. I love doing it, but I often get to a stuck place because I don't always know how to do certain techniques and I'm not very artful sometimes. I find that having to take things out and set up and take it down again is often a deterrent, so I am planning to work on making my extra closet a mini-office space where I can keep my art stuff out sometimes.

I'm frustrated with myself about the reading situation, though. I don't really understand how my reading habits changed so radically. I think it might have something to do with staring at a computer all day long...my eyes definitely feel it. At the same time, I long for a good story to spirit me away.



The information in italics is from Kick In the Blog: Kickintheblog.com is the brainchild of Jessica Rosenberg ~ It's my life...
Come back often for new prompts to kick you out of your blogging rut!

KITB: What Could You Start Today?

From Kick in the Blog:  What are you putting off that you could start today?

Wow - this is a loaded question for me...there are so many things, from the ridiculous to the sublime...and at the same time, I have been doing more of the things I tend to put off than I used to do.

I think the biggest thing is finishing my degree. If I had started taking a class a term back when I first thought of it, I would have a doctorate by now.  So, I need to buckle down and just do it. I have to find out what credits will still count, how many credits I actually need and in which areas and then figure out how to proceed. I have this dangling over my head and I just want to get my bachelors degree so that I can be done with it.

Other than that, I think the other important thing I have put off is continuing to write down Roby stories. I started them and have a few thousand words of it, but I stopped abruptly last year when I got really busy and I haven't picked it back up again.

 

KITB: What Do You Love To Do?

Prompt from Kick in the Blog:
"What Do You Love to Do?"

At the last blog conference I attended the delightful Patti Digh challenged us to change things up when we're out and about. "Instead of asking people what they do, ask them what they love to do."
So, I'm asking you.
My response:
I don't think that any of my answers will be a surprise to anyone who spends any time here, but I think it is a good exercise to think about all the goodness we have in our lives - even when we aren't necessarily DOING those things actively.
I love going to see musical theatre. I love listening to music and particularly musical theatre. I love doing my art journal and I love playing Pictionary. I love going to the beach and I love the water. I love going to the movies. I love reading. I love snuggling down in a warm bed to read an old favorite. I love laughing with my friends. I love when we all get together and tell the same old stories we have told a million times and laugh until our sides and cheeks ache. I love interpreting. I love interpreting shows - but mostly the part where we get to play around with language and meaning and try to figure out how to make it all come together. I love blogging and I love the people I have met and the things I am loving doing BECAUSE of blogging.
I think I could go on for a long time about things I love - I'm basically pretty happy. I love having FUN.

Kicked in the Blog - A New Blog Destination

A Facebook friend posted about a new blog called "Kick in the Blog" which is providing different prompts to encourage/help blog writers when they are feeling the stress/pressure/blankness of writer's block or whatever people suffer from when they feel they can't write.  This is just what I have been talking about in terms of wanting to write something different and maybe more meaningful (at least to me). I need something between "List the 5 celebrities you want to sleep with" and "Write a letter to your Self in 10 years. Describe the goals you have achieved.".   I think I'm going to try it. It's inaugural post ran yesterday and I decided to participate.

The inaugural prompt was:  Who believes in you today? Who believed in you in the past?

Who Believes in You today?
When I first read this post, I was worried I would have a hard time figuring this one out. After a little thought, though, I had a couple of realizations.  People believe in us for many different reasons - to be a member of a family, a work place, a community, a friend, a peer.  Sometimes, I feel lonely and I miss the days when I was surrounded by my friends. We can't keep that up our whole life - we have the years when we are surrounded by friends - years when we are young and still learning who we are and what roles we are expected to play, what roles we want to play and how we want to move through the world.  As we get older and more confident, our circles sometimes get a little smaller, or they seem to. We don't see all those people every day or every week, but it doesn't mean they aren't still out there, believing in us. We are growing and still learning, but don't need the reinforcement in the same way we once did.

I realized that I have an army of believers who stand with and behind me. Some of them are faces in my world on a regular basis. Some of them are occasional visitors who are no less present for their lack of physical proximity. My family, my friends, my chosen family, my co-workers, my peers, my boss, my company, my blogging community and fellow art journaling sojourners - I'm sure the list is longer than I can even imagine.

The reason I can even write this, however, is due to all the people who have believed in me in the past. Their support, their love, their trust and belief led me to the place where I can say that I believe in myself. Isn't that the ultimate goal? 

Who Believed in You in the Past?
Instead of rehashing all the people who have contributed goodness to my life here, I direct you to my December 2008 Nablopomo posts where I did a month of THANKS-giving to the people who have so positively influenced me and my world. I know that there are many, many more people I should name and thank - these were the big ones and the ones I felt I could write about on the internet. I am grateful for the love and support of all - not just the people I listed in some blog posts.  It was 3 years ago, after all. I know I have added a few people since then, so please don't be offended if you are specifically mentioned.


Kickintheblog.com is the brainchild of Jessica Rosenberg ~ It's my life...Come back often for new prompts to kick you out of your blogging rut! 


P.S. I'm working on some art now - will post tomorrow.