Defining Moments

I stand on the precipice of a defining moment in my life. Like most of the defining moments I have experienced, I cannot control the outcome of this situation, but instead, I stand by watching helplessly.

When all is said and done, I know that I have acted with integrity. I know that I have been a support to the people I needed to support and that I have provided the best work and have done the hardest work of my life.

When all is said and done, I will have sacrificed relationships, skills, opportunities, health and still, I will walk away from this experience knowing that I did all that I could do.

I have stood on this ledge before - when Roby died, when Hank died, when my father died. I have felt dumbfounded and lost before. I will come out the other side with a renewed sense of purpose. Whatever happens in the days to come, I will be all right. We will be all right. I didn't experience an 8.8 earthquake or lose all the buildings in my community, none of my friends or family have died. I have food and friends and opportunities. I will be all right. It just takes time to recover sometimes.

Good thoughts and prayers are welcome here.

Yeah, I Got Nothing...

Despite earthquakes and tsunamis and crazy, unreal political decisions that boggle my mind, despite the fact that my knee hurts for no reason and I have have had the crappiest week of my life barring the deaths of significant people in my world, I have surprisingly little to say.
I went to art class today. And I kind of sucked at it. I couldn't wrap my head around any of it. It is hard to keep your balance when the world has spun off its axis.  But it will all turn out. I know it. I have that much Pollyanna in me to believe that. It may not be a pink box with a bright yellow bow, but it will be something. Maybe a plain brown wrapper with string holding it together...

I will post some pictures from class later. I left it all in the car. I'm not getting it out now. 

All as in everything - not the art stuff. Although that will turn out fine, too.

Signs of the Apocolypse

I think I saw one today. It hurt my heart.

Jobs I Would Do If I Won the Lottery

1. Bookmobile driver
2. Bookstore/Coffee Store Owner/Barista
3. Writer
4.  Book/Movie/Theatre Reviewer
5.  Storyteller
6.  Touring Theatrical Interpreter ("Les Miz", "Rent", "Wicked"...)
7.  Beach Bum
8.  Cat scratcher
9. Professional Student

A girl can dream, can't she?

This is It

I wasn't feeling well after dinner tonight - my esophogial spasms again. I know it is stress-related. So I was watching TV - maybe "American Idol" and I saw a commercial for an insurance company that I will not name. It was talking about the economic recovery and how we have learned that what we have isn't as important as the life we have built and the relationships that we have and I had a FLASH moment.

This FLASH moment wasn't something that I didn't know - just something that I regularly need reminders for - this is IT.  There isn't some other life or some time when it starts. THIS IS IT.  I don't know why that doesn't stay with me all the time. In life's serious moments, I know that this isn't a rehearsal, but the rest of the time, all the times when I am doing things I have to do or things that are not personally fulfilling or don't lead me toward the goals and dreams I have - all those moments seem like barricades or blocks to getting to the "real" part.

I don't know why it hit me tonight more than it has in a while - I guess I'm doing another one of my "life reviews" and I have to take all the different angles into account. I'm not really contemplating radical change in the actual day-to-day part of life, but I am thinking about how to make the day-to-day more meaningful and more enjoyable. I know I have been talking about that here for a long time - I feel like I have made some strides in the right direction - lately, though, I feel like I have been backsliding. Probably because there is a lot happening and I haven't been able to slow down.

So, good things coming up - class on Saturday.  I can't wait!  This month, I am planning on going to the Interpreter's Professional Happy Hour (if I can figure out which night it is), I have some social engagements and some TIME TO MYSELF.  Here's to March. Let's hope it is more calm and a little more focused than February has been.

Best Laid Plans

I have so many projects I want to do, need to do, should do, have to do...I want to read and do art and hang with my friends and watch "American Idol" and go to the movies and even do some cleaning/decorating/rearranging.  When I get home, I just don't seem to have the motivation.

I am trying some new (earlier) routines - get to work earlier so I can leave earlier so that I can have some time and then do some of the things I need to do.  I have limited success.  I think the sunshine was helpful though - after going out on Saturday, I feel the urge even more to set up my nesting place for the creative stuff, so that is on the list of "Must do soon!".

I think it is fascinating that what I do now is so much more emotionally exhausting than interpreting was physically/mentally tiring.  People stuff is much more delicate and requires much more energy.  I know that I seem like an extrovert sometimes, but I'm not. I still need time to recover from social engagement.  I love people, but I also have to go hide on a regular basis. It's weird.

On an entirely different note, I just got my copy of the book, "SoulCollage" by Seena B. Frost. I'm excited to read more about the process. I think I want to take another class from the instructor I had back in January.

Also, I have another ART CLASS on Saturday! Yay!  I can't wait.  This one is Visual Journaling with collage and watercolor (or something like that). Should be good clean fun. Then I will have to look at the PCC catalog and see what they are offering for March and April.  

Deep Breathing Helps

My friends left this morning, after a nice breakfast near my office.  I was sorry to see them go. It was a nice, if busy, weekend.  I am feeling better and I thank all my friends and colleagues who have shown me some patience and kindness over the last week. It's been a bumpy ride, but I got some rest and an attitude adjustment.

Back to work today with a deep breath and a hope that calmness will prevail. It is a challenge.

I'm looking for a book to read to anchor my time this week..."Julie & Julia" isn't working for me right now...I think I need something a little more...exciting. I love the book so far, but exciting, it isn't. I tend to get really sleepy when I read it.  I'm thinking that I will start reading Colleen Houck's book, Tiger's Curse (or is the first one Tiger's Quest?). I have the first one on my Kindle. :)

Le Pigeon and Artful Weekend

Le Pigeon logo

We went to Le Pigeon for dinner after an afternoon of painting and conversation. Saturday was about as full of adventure as I could handle, so today was more low-key.

Le Pigeon's chef, Gabriel Rucker, is currently one of 20 chefs nation-wide to be nominated for the James Beard "Best Chef - Northwest" award, as well as being nominated for the James Beard 2010 "Rising Star Chef of the Year" award.  We didn't know it at the time - one of my friends wanted to go to a nice French restaurant as it was her birthday on Friday. I neglected to get a reservation at Western Culinary School's restaurant (always fun to see what students are doing, but sometimes a crap-shoot). They asked me if I knew any other French restaurants and I couldn't remember the name of the one a classmate worked in over in NW Portland, so I said, "Well, I have heard of Le Pigeon, but I can't vouch for it." We got reservations and had a lovely night.

I was unsure of the whole thing as I am not an adventurer and most French food involves all kinds of sauces, which I do not like.  I ended up with the Beef Cheek Bourguignon which was good, but the wine reduction was a little bit overpowering by the last bites.  I KNOW it was me and not due to any lack on the chef's part.  The restaurant was cozy and nicely outfitted, the waitstaff was courteous and efficient and answered all of our questions.  We were seated at a long table that we shared with other diners, but there was a sense of commaraderie that I don't always feel in situations like that. All in all, a superb dining experience.  They did have foie gras ice cream which really sounded vile... but again, I'm a zero on the adventure scale.

I would highly recommend Le Pigeon, especially if you are a fan of French food.

Tiny Recovery

Well, a lovely afternoon/evening with friends will do wonders for a person's disposition. I'm still out of sorts, but feeling better than I did yesterday. We had a nice dinner and then went to Voodoo Donuts (I have never been). We bought a couple of donuts and then cut them up to share. My favorite was the Devil's Food with Coco Puffs on top. Hee hee.

Today, we got up, had breakfast, walked to the MAX train, went to Art Media and Finnegans and then took the Streetcar through NW Portland and stopped in at the New Renaissance Bookstore. Unfortunately, the bookstore had TOO MUCH INCENSE burning and I couldn't stay, even though I found a book and a couple of magazines I wanted to buy. We ate at a bagel place I have never heard of -Kettlemans?  They actually boil their bagels - the way they are supposed to be. I think they were on a par with Noah's.  Then we took the streetcar and Max back to the hotel where my friends are staying.

I showed them how to make the Teesha Moore Amazing 16-page journals and tomorrow, we will work on them some more.  We tried to go to Pho Van for dinner but after waiting 30 minutes, we ended up at the Barley Mill at 9:00pm.

It was a long day, but we had fun and the weather was beautiful. I'm sad that there is only one more day...then back to the other stuff.

Friday Frenzy

I am grumpy and tired. Show went well. Friends arrived in town safely. Had to work on my "days off". Didn't get enough sleep. Bad day at work. Frustrated. Annoyed.  Head will explode soon.  Can't really even talk about it.  All I want to do is go home, crawl into bed and hide. And I can't.

GRRR.

"I Love Love Love Being a Girl"

I visited BlissChick and she linked to this INCREDIBLE VIDEO - here.  Watch it all. I'm not even sure I can talk about it, but you should watch it all. It doesn't matter if you are a male or a female. If you are human, you will want to watch this video.

My heart is hurting and soaring at the same time. Some of the words she spoke resonated so deeply, so profoundly, I'm not sure I will recover.

If you have ever heard the words, "You're too sensitive" or "You take everything so personally" or "Don't be so emotional", you need to watch this video.

Blog Persona

I have been reading some blog posts over the past few days and I noticed a trend in people talking about their blog persona - whether it be that they felt they had to keep part of themselves back or whether they felt they could let it all hang out on the blog and if people don't like it, they can just not read it.

This whole public journal idea - a place to publish our thoughts where anyone can stop by - is certainly an interesting concept.  I have been thinking about it quite a bit.

In the beginning of this blog, I didn't think anyone would ever read it, so I was really writing for myself and following my own moods and thoughts. Over time, as I participated in various online events and joined groups, my thoughts and moods have changed a bit - the idea that anyone would stop by and read became a part of my reality and something that I am conscious of daily.

I know that I hold back my most private, personal thoughts and feelings here, but I wouldn't write them down in a regular journal either.  There is too much chance in putting things on paper or online or anywhere outside of my own head.  I'm not thinking scary secret thoughts, just the same things that most people think and don't want to say outloud.

I know that some of my private demons are visited here - most notably perfectionism, fear of making a mistake and some doubts about my own skills.  I don't think those things are particularly private and I have made great progress via some of the blogs I read, some of the groups I have participated in and from contact with some of the folks who visit me here.

Thanks for your time and your willingness to go through it with me.  I appreciate it.  I'm sure I will continue to evolve and so will the blog.  I hope you'll stick with me - I'm in this thing for the long haul, I think.

"Legally Blonde: The Musical" Sneak Peek

This first song is called "Omigod".  It has karaoke-like words once you get through the MTV intro, so it's sort of captioned in case anyone reading is Deaf or hard of hearing.

Many folks have said they couldn't get through the movie and didn't want to see the show, but what I think folks don't realize is that is the point of the story - give people (movies, shows, music) a chance before you make a judgement.  For this show, it is about people judging someone based on her looks, but also how a young woman finds out how to value herself instead of depending on other people to feed her sense of worth.

The interpreted performance is in Portland on Thursday evening at 7:30pm at the Keller Auditorium.  If you want ticket information, go to SignPlay.

The Fantastic Secret Agent L

In a story more complicated than I will tell here on the blog, I found a GREAT new blog that just made me smile and I wanted to share it with you here.  I found it on Kavindra's site, A Clear Path to Happy. She mentioned it back in September or so.

The blog is called Secret Agent L and it is a brilliant, funny and inspiring blog where the blogger goes on different secret agent assignments and leaves little gifties for unsuspecting strangers. Kind of like HopeRevolution but different.  Secret Agent L says, "Be Kind. No exceptions."  I love it!

I truly believe that these little kindnesses and these kinds of stories and experiences make the world a better place. Obviously, when something tragic and catestrophic happens, kindness is required. We forget, though, that sometimes it is the small kindness that has the huge impact. The day that someone says something at just the right moment to renew your faith in humanity. Or to give you the strength to get through the day.  I want to make more of those moments happen.

Year of the Tiger

Happy Chinese New Year or in one dialect Gong Hay Fat Choi!  2010 is the Year of the Tiger.

The Chinese Zodiac is based on 12 year cycles, so you can find out what your representative animal is by going here.  My animal is the Sheep. Much of what they said here fits the bill, but hopefully, not all of it. :)  Sounds a lot like the Cancer/Crab in our Zodiac. According to this, the associated Sun Sign is Cancer. :)

Anyway, I went to a Chinese New Year celebration yesterday. It was good to see everyone. They had a whole roasted pig (ick) and a contest to name him. Ultimately, he was named Jorge, the Pig of Yum.  Lots of conversation, kids, and laughter.

So what does the Year of the Tiger hold for us?  According to Chiff (a website I found with my Google search - take this with a grain of salt): 2010, Year of the Tiger, looks to be volitile, both personally and globally.  I believe the exact phrasing was "massive changes and social upheaval". It indicates that the more adaptable you are to change, the better off you will be.

Since 2010 has already started off that pretty rocky in some ways, I'm hoping it will dwindle down as the year progresses. I'm not sure I can do much more upheaval and and change.  On a personal note, 2010 has been a distinct improvement over the end of 2009. I think I'm going to just take it one day at a time.

Shaking it Off

I am struggling a bit with feeling stuck.  I know that it is just a reaction to the events of late and my busy schedule right now.  I haven't been doing much of anything but going to work (in various capacities) and coming home to crash. I hate that feeling that all you do is work and sleep. At the same time, I am doing things I want to do.

I know this sounds like a broken record, but I can't wait until my class on Feb. 27.  I have been feeling stalled in my art endeavors, too. I think sometimes I just need the continued challenge to my tendency to stay in the comfort zone. I haven't been doing anything with my journals or photos but I have been gathering images and looking at other people's work again.  I need to just work on the darn journal and stop obsessing about doing it "right".
My internal editor/critic is a meanie.  I have a harder time keeping it quiet when I'm tired, so I am chalking it up to that for right now.

I did go to Chinese New Year today and I'm glad I did, even though I did miss Kevin there. I had some nice conversations with people I have seen several times at the annual gathering and I had a chance to visit with the hosts and some old friends. I look forward to seeing them every year.

I am falling asleep as I write this, so I am going to go to bed. More tomorrow.

Ole Softy

I must admit that I find the Olympics incredibly inspiring. Not only the athleticism, but the harmony (or the attempts at harmony, anyway) choke me up.  I always tear up when I hear the National Anthem play, anyway, and then you add the faces of people living their dreams, the pride in the people in the stands as they watch the teams and atheletes compete.

While the National Anthem chokes me up, it isn't all about the "medal count" for me. I just love the whole thing, from the opening ceremonies to the close. I have watched sports I had never heard of until watching the Olympics and there are very few that I find boring - particularly in the Winter Games.

I caught only the tail-end of the Opening Ceremony tonight as I had another marathon day and didn't get home until 10:45pm.  I can't wait to see what's in store.

When It Rains, It Pours

It never fails - when one thing is hard or you have a bunch of things happening, it ALWAYS attracts all sorts of other fun stuff.

I have some stuff at work, I have a show coming up, I have to work on Saturday :( and there is a holiday on Monday, so no 3 day weekend when I REALLY need one.  I have my Chinese New Year party, tomorrow is the Interpreter get together in Portland but I have rehearsal for the show.  Then my friends from Cali are coming and I still have a bunch of work stuff.  And another project that is coming to a head. The weekend after that, I am supposed to have another art class. After that, I'm going to have to search for more of these classes...

Why can't these things spread themselves out?  I will have weeks where everything remains relatively quiet or calm and then one little thing tips the whole apple cart and I am sitting at my computer with my eyes propped open with toothpicks trying to finish everything.

It will all come to an end, I know that.  I'm just feeling it this week. Little bit exhausted, little bit tired of the hamster wheel for today.  A couple of days off (although it should be three!!) will help.

Goodnight, all. I'm off to bed.

Tough Week

This week has presented a number of challenges and I am emotionally exhausted from it, hence my lack of words.

On a happy note, this Saturday is my friend's annual Chinese New Year party, so I will get to go and see her and hopefully some of my other friends. We don't always get together on a regular basis, but we usually gather at the party.

On Thursday, I interpret "Legally Blonde: The Musical" which is very catchy and peppy.  I like the music and it has a good message. My friends from Cali are coming on Thursday and then we are spending the weekend playing!  That will be fun!

For tonight, I'm still breathing in and out and I'm ready to hit the hay. That's all you can really ask sometimes.

"Glee"ful

By far the best GLEE song of the season:



And the second best scene this year: