My Bliss List

Liv Lane is the inspiration and leader of the weekly "My Little Bliss List" - an opportunity to highlight the goodness in life.  I love having the opportunity to participate. Thanks, Liv!

This week, my list is short but powerful:

1.  I finished two books in the space of a couple of days!!  Reading IS BLISS!  I'm so happy!
2.  I'm working on a show I love - WICKED.  I love doing it, but I'm excited to have some time to myself.
3. VerbTribe starts on April 1 with Patti Digh and I'm SO EXCITED!!!  I know that this will be a life-changing experience.  I can't wait to get started.

Thank you to all who come and rumpus here!  I love having you and I appreciate you so much. You are always on my Bliss List!!

Planning and Plotting

I am hoping that this week I will see my way clear to do some artful stuff in addition to working on the show. I need to keep reading my book, "Quiet" for my book group. I'm also reading "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown. I think of all the books I have laying around, I definitely need this one. Finding a way to really come to grips with accepting imperfection and relaxing into myself seems super important.

I am also hoping to do some planning to complete my blog class that I sort of put on hold. I got busy and then busier and never got back to it. I think I felt pressure to do it fast and what I really need is to just take my time and go through each step in a way that I feel good about doing it.

Wish me luck.

Back to Real Life

Now that I am done rehearsing for this show, I'm on to the next one - "Wicked". We perform on March 15 and March 31. I can't wait - I love the show, but it is quite difficult.

In the meantime (before we have started rehearsing), I'm going to be getting back to my BBTL class (the sixth week just rolled up - I will be catching up in the next few weeks).  Luckily, the Facebook group is going to stay up so that we can continue to connect with our cohort. I'm excited about that - a nice way to stay connected.  I'm sad to have the class be over, but I know I will keep using the information I am learning.

So in the spirit of my BBTL class, I'm posting a Bliss List.

Every Friday, the Little Bliss List provides a chance for us to celebrate the little things that brought us hope and happiness this week. I do believe when we focus on the sweet stuff of life, the sweet stuff multiplies. And by sharing those small gifts in our lives, we help others notice the gifts in theirs. (From Liv Lane's Bliss List post)


1.  Thanks to Liv Lane and all the BBTL classmates! I have loved the experience even though I have fallen behind. There is much for me to learn and many blogs to visit, but I haven't given up - just restructured my time so that I can get the full benefit of the class and the group.

2.  I love the musical Wicked!  My favorite songs change all the time, but I particularly love "What is this Feeling?" and "Popular".  Two other favorites are "Defying Gravity" and "For Good".  Oh! and "I'm Not that Girl".  See, my favorites change all the time.

3.  I'm loving my Letter Love 101 class with Joanne Sharpe.  I have been getting new art supplies to help me work on the class and I  LOVE IT!! (I tried to upload a badge here, but for some reason, I'm still struggling with Blogger and uploading photos. It is hit or miss right now.)

4.  I love books. No reason for saying that today - I just have been thinking about books lately and how much I love to read. Still trying to figure out how to carve out more regular time for myself to read.

5.  Still love Pinterest. It is a visual delight for me.  Since I can't manage the photo here that I want, here's a link to my boards.

6.  I have been zoning out playing Zuma Deluxe this week when I was feeling super-stressed out. Love mindless games for just such purposes.

7.  Love all the things that are coming in my life - Verb Tribe (mine starts in April), 30 Days of Courage...I'm thinking about maybe doing another art journal (self-paced) class. I feel like I'm changing inside. It isn't something people can see, it is something I feel. Something for me.

8. I ordered a book by Brene Brown today. I can't wait to read it. It is about perfectionism.  Her work on shame, guilt, authenticity, pefectionism...well, it really should be all I read and do. I feel as if she knows me. Scary but also freeing to know that many people experience these things in tandem. There is hope. I love that.

Man, oh, man.  I'm all blissed! I really do lead a pretty blessed life.  Thanks for playing a part in that!

TGIF! And Bliss List

It has been a long strange week and I'm so far behind in *everything*!  But I wanted to take some time to remember all the things that bring me joy and link up to Liv Lane's Bliss List this week.  I love finding/creating ways to look on the bright side of life, especially when the week has been a challenge.

Here's what Liv says about the Bliss List:
Every Friday, the Little Bliss List provides a chance for us to celebrate the little things that brought us hope and happiness this week. I do believe when we focus on the sweet stuff of life, the sweet stuff multiplies. And by sharing those small gifts in our lives, we help others notice the gifts in theirs. 

1. Last Saturday, we had our "Beginning of the Year" work party.  The end of the year is filled with holidays and bad weather and people are always upset if we have the holiday party when they are busy. I decided that this year was a good year to have the party in January when things are a little slower.  I couldn't close the office until Feb. 4, so that's when I had the party. We had it at Bullwinkle's Family Fun Center (a little like Chuck E. Cheese on crack) - huge with TONS to do and totally out of my comfort zone.  But what I loved about it was seeing all the families and employees come and enjoy themselves and each other.  I was really glad I did it.  (Blogger won't download the photo...I will keep trying)


2.  I overbooked myself for January and February in terms of taking classes that really require me to dig deep, do a lot of practice and reading, etc.  I love that I am now mature enough to give myself a little bit of a break and make some decisions about priorities and not beat myself up about it. Now that's progress!  (I'm still working through them all - just giving myself some additional time!)

3.  Buffy the Vampire Slayer!

4.  Pinterest!  Unfortunately, I have been reading that people are upset about Pinterest and that they earn money from sales when linked with partners. I'm not really surprised because all social media sites exist to make money, but I wish they were more upfront about it.  Still, I love my boards and I'm happy when I go to the site.  I tried to upload a photo of my boards, but for some reason, I have been having problems with Blogger uploading photos. Not sure what that's about.  If you click on the link above, it will take you to my boards (if you are interested).  I just like how they look. The colors and the blend of images is cool.

I know there is so much to be blissful about, so much to be grateful for in my life. These are just some highlights of the week. :)

Slow Processing

We did a "brave blog post" this week in my How to Build a Blog You Truly Love course with Liv Lane this week and it kind of stopped me in my tracks a little.  I loved bouncing around and reading the posts of the other participants and seeing how much we all, as humans, have in common that we just don't see or discuss in our day-to-day lives.  I was also thinking about how I want to really wring every drop of benefit from the courses I am taking and yet I am a slow processor.

Daily exercises that require deep thought or consideration are sometimes more than I can juggle in a day. I like to think about things a little bit before I act on them - explore the options, get ideas from others, see if I am really understanding what is being asked of me.  I don't think it is a bad thing, but it is a struggle not to feel nervous that we are starting week five of a six week course and I'm so behind. I know I will be able to continue to benefit from all of the course work for a long time, but the community of people is so wonderful - I want to benefit from their wisdom, as well.

Just not enough hours in the day, I guess.  I will work it out - just thinking about this today.

I'm in the April VerbTribe!!

http://www.37days.com/verbtribe

I did one of the scariest things possible today...I signed up for Patti Digh's VerbTribe (the link goes to the description and an old registration - the new class starts April 4,  2012).

Writing is a thread that has been woven through my whole life and I want so much to continue to improve and grow and write from my heart.  This will be a way to make that happen.  And my knees are practically knocking!

The good news is that I saw the original course which was happening now and I thought about all the things I had already committed to - A Year With Myself, How To Build a Blog You Truly Love, Letter Love 101, the 37Days Book Group...I knew there was NO WAY that I could participate in VerbTribe the way I wanted to, so even though I didn't know if Patti would offer it again, I decided to be smart and wait.  I'm so glad I did!  Good things come to those who wait!  And in April, I only have A Year with Myself still going. The other classes will be done (at least formally), so I can really participate the way I want to.  I don't even have a show that month, so I know this is the right time for me.

Yay!

Bliss List Link-Up

Liv Lane is the instructor of the fantastic class - How to Build a Blog You Truly Love and she has also started hosting a "Bliss List" link up.  So nice to end the week focusing on some of the good things in life. After being brave and trying to stay up on all the AMAZING classes and projects I am working on, I definitely needed to look at the bright side of things to end my week.

1.  Loving all the classes I am taking!  A Year with Myself is on the back burner as I have the entire year to do it - I think I will go back to the beginning at the end of February so that I can really sink into the experience.  BBTL and the Letter Love 101 classes are going GREAT!

2.  I planned a big party for work and it is tomorrow night!  Not everyone is excited about it, but I am. I think it will be fun and it was a big item on my To Do list. Check!

3.  The weather here is beautiful and sunny.  It's a little chilly but the skies are clear and lovely.

4.  It is FRIDAY!!! Wahoo!

5.  I actually got my Letter Love 101 Journal done and am working in it. I don't have enough pens, so I'm going to go shopping tomorrow for pens, but I'm STOKED!!

My first letter journal!

Practice makes perfect, I hope!

**I FORGOT the MOST important piece of BLISS this week!!

6.  All your kind comments this week and the visits from folks from all around the world.  Thank you so much for stopping by, for commenting, for supporting, especially when I was feeling exposed in our BBT Brave Blog Posts.  I was really moved by the support you provided.  It means the world!  I'm so blessed.

Letter Loving It Already!

I am taking a class called Letter Love 101 from Joanne Sharpe online.  I know - like I don't already have enough to do! The class started today.  I think it is going to be a great balancer between the introspection of the How to Build a Blog You Truly Love class and exploring lettering and doing things in an art journal.  I have not been active in my art journaling for a little while and I really crave the tangible nature of making something.

Tonight, I prepped my journal and watched the videos for class. I am stoked and ready for the practice sessions that start tomorrow.

To visitors from the BBTL group and everyone else who stops by - Thank you!   Your comments and your visits mean a lot.  It is good to have my voice out there - scary as it is sometimes, I am so glad to be part of the blogosphere.

roar

“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.”
― Mary Anne Radmacher

As part of the blogging class I'm taking with Liv Lane, we are posting and sharing "Brave" blog posts and linking up with each other, supporting and encouraging each other.  If you are so moved, I hope you will join us.

I do not consider myself brave.  After reading a couple of blog posts from my classmates, I knew that I couldn't just let them post without stepping out on the limb with them.

First off, I want to say that this blog is a manifestation of bravery for me. It is the place where I keep putting my voice into the ether.  For a long time, I didn't speak out, whispered, kept that voice under control. WildRumpusing is my commitment to myself.  Some days, I am brave, some days, not so much.  Here is one of my bravest posts up until today. And here is another.

As I looked in my archives tonight, I realized that there was one story that I have alluded to, but I have never shared here. Deep breath. Here we go.

I guess it was June of 1986 when Roby had a low grade cold that wouldn’t go away – some fever, feeling yucky, low energy- so I took him to see his doctor. I wish I could remember the guy's name because he was an evil bastard. I took him to the doctor’s appointment where he had a full physical and some tests were done. When he came out to the waiting area, he told me he had gone ahead and tested for AIDS (at the time, that was what we were testing for – not HIV). I reassured him – no way…he’d only been with Grant and AIDS was not in Portland…really. I drove him to work and dropped him off.

A couple of weeks later – after much agonizing and worrying, I got a call from Roby in the late afternoon. I did not have any classes that day, so I was home. It was around 3:00 or 4:00pm – I was not showered but dressed in comfy clothes for around the house. I would get ready later to pick him up after he got off work at 9pm. I answered the phone and it was him – almost unrecognizeable – he was sobbing.

“Hello?”
“Can you come and get me? I have AIDS…” and he began sobbing again.
Stunned, I told him I would be right there…the litany in my mind was so loud, but my heartbeat was louder, “Oh my God, ohmygodohmygod…” Both roared in my ear as I ran to change my clothes and brush my teeth. I paused to think about the fact that I hadn’t washed my hair before my rational mind took over. Who cares? Go to him.

I drove my yellow VW Dasher to Beaverton Town Square praying all the way, “Please let it not be true. Please God, let it not be true.” I went into the store and his co-workers all had looks of concern and compassion on their faces. I walked to the back room and Carol was there. She let me in the back room (employees only) and I found him there, still crying, but less hysterical.

“He called me on the phone and told me I have AIDS. He doesn’t treat AIDS patients, so he told me to find a different doctor. Then he hung up. I’m going to die. I don’t want to die.”

I led him out of the store and took him to the car. I didn’t know what to say or do. Once I started the car, I took his hand in mine and we held hands all the way to his apartment. He didn’t really talk much. He was almost numb – just quiet.

 At the time, getting an AIDS diagnosis was a death sentence. It was early on when we still didn’t know much and there were no medicines to manage HIV and AIDS. This was in the days when we used language like, “He’s been exposed to AIDS.” Later, this became an HIV positive diagnosis. In 1986, being exposed to AIDS meant you had about 2 years to live. People were thrown out of their apartments, lost health insurance, they were beaten up, families abandoned them. Ryan White was diagnosed that year or the year after and a couple of other little boys and their communities burned their homes to the ground. We were very afraid of what would happen.

That night, Roby told JM, Susan, JC and Bill from downstairs. It was a difficult evening – I felt that I needed to be strong, so I didn’t cry in front of him. I just kept reassuring him – “Maybe it’s a mistake. We will find a different doctor.” At one point, I went across the hall and I cried a bit with Susan. I was feeling so lost and devastated – what would we do? How could this have happened?

Later in the evening, we walked downtown for some retail therapy for him. I don’t remember buying anything. He just couldn’t stand being in the apartment that night. I was in a daze. I just followed him and tried to keep my brain under control. We called it an early night but before I left, he asked me the biggest favor I have ever been asked. “Don’t tell anybody.” Of course I agreed. This would start me on a path that shaped my entire adult life. We didn't tell anyone for 9 years.

When I went home, my parents were out and I just went upstairs and in a black, brand new spiral notebook (unlike anything I would normally write in for a journal), I wrote the following:
"Thursday, June 26, 1986 (technically June 27 at 12:09am)

The doctor told Roby he has AIDS. He called him at work and told him over the phone. Roby called me. He was crying so hard he could hardly talk. I picked him up from work. I felt so helpless. I didn't know what to say or how to act. All I wanted was to take him in my arms and hug all his pain away. But I couldn't. I felt a huge wall between us. I tried to put my arm around him, but he seemed to move away. I feel numb. I didn't cry until he told Jenny (M.) and Susan. I felt like I had to be strong. Susan fell apart and sobbed. Later in her apartment, she and I talked. I cried and she somehow knew that I needed for her to tell me it was okay. We talked for awhile. Roby loves her so much. So do I. Even Jenny and I talked. She held me when I cried and held my hand for a while. I felt as if we were friends just then.

I don't know how to feel. This has got to be a mistake. It has to be. I know this is selfish, but I don't want to lose him, I can't. Not now. Not ever."

I remember that I went to bed right after I wrote that. I put the notebook in my nightstand and turned off the lights. Later, my mother came home and checked on me as I was rarely in bed that early. She gave me a kiss on the forehead and closed my door after I assured her that I was ok.

The night that changed my whole life. 

Officially Behind

I've just accepted that I am behind on EVERYTHING. This week has been early mornings and late nights and the whole weekend is going to be that, as well.

I hope that I can catch up on Sunday. The work that is waiting for me is BIG stuff. Important. But sleep is necessary.

Avoiding the Fire

I'm struggling with some of the exercises in both the ecourses I am taking:  How To Build a Blog You Truly Love and A Year With Myself.   I know why I'm struggling - it is delving into the depths of who we are and what we want and where we go from here.  There is a part of me that is seeking this process, these kinds of exercises and the truths of my life and at the same time, I have a fear of it.

It is probably natural to avoid holding a mirror up to oneself or shining a light on some of the things that make us who we are but may not make us feel proud or strong.  I'm hoping that with these practices, it will become easier. I felt like I had to acknowledge my resistance so that maybe I could get through it.

I have been visiting some of the other blogs in the courses and they have so much to share. I hope that I will be able to reach those levels of sharing and authenticity. I'm reaching but I don't always make it.

What I'm Working on...

Meaning and Purpose

I'm so excited about all that is happening right now.

I started my "How to Build a Blog You Truly Love" course today - I'm about 3 days behind, but I read all the lessons and I'm ready to work.  I'm really excited to dive into my own ideas and goals and dreams about this blog. I can't describe why blogging has become such an important thing to me - it just is.  I get a great sense of accomplishment and satisfaction just knowing that I've committed myself to documenting.  I'm still working on finding the path(s) I want to take, but I get closer and closer all the time.

I also signed up for a course called "A Year With Myself".  I just feel like I'm doing some mental, emotional and physical stretching - new things, deeper into some of the same things.  I'm excited and nervous to explore and grow and set some goals for myself and my life and my blog.

2012 is gonna be a big year, I can tell.