Closing the Book

Well, the final call for VerbTribe was today and I missed it.  Doing classes with conference calls that happen during the work day is difficult. I mean, I could take the whole day off, but that felt a bit extreme to me. Unfortunately, I didn't even get away until the call was about 12 minutes from the end.

I think I will refrain from doing anything with conference calls for a while - it is too hard. I want to commit to the work I'm doing for myself, but at the same time, I have a job to do, as well.  I just have to figure out how to juggle it. I'm not a good juggler.  I'm okay with that.

So, now I will be continuing on this journey without the pressure/feedback from the group so much. I think I will still gain much from the process.  I just need to set myself up for success.

Realization about Success

This will be brief.

I had a powerful realization during this period of not succeeding with VerbTribe. I realized that it is SCARY to be doing exactly what you want to be doing, knowing that you may or may not be good at it or happy at it or love it like you always thought you would.

I have always wanted to write. Since I was little. I was a voracious reader from an early age and it just made sense that I would write. My family always said that I would be the writer and my sister would be my illustrator. I took it for granted that I would write. In high school, I wrote for the school newspaper and I wrote poetry (for the first time in my life) for the literary magazine. I wrote every day. I wrote notes, poems, stories, essays. I wrote and read. Then I stopped. And it has been a long time.

When I started with VerbTribe, I was so uncomfortable. I could feel the dissatisfaction with my life bubbling up and it scared the crap out of me. I wasn't enjoying my work, I wasn't enjoying anything. This was literally within DAYS of starting the class. Then I got scared - what if I can't write anymore? what if I want something and it won't work out? what if? if? And then I stopped. And I felt guilty. And relieved at the same time. I know guilt. I understand it. I can manage it. Doing exactly what I came to this world to do...not so much. And I knew it while it was happening. And I never could catch back up. So, I am going to do VerbTribe of one...accountable to myself. I'm sad about it all, but at the same time, I needed to experience this to understand it. Humans are complex, huh?

Not as short as I thought it would be. Thanks for hanging with me.

Living with Intention

One of the things I have realized about my resistance to finishing projects is that it *is* resistance.  I have a lot of fear of success, fear of failure, fear of not knowing if I'm doing it "right", fear of doing it wrong, fear of not being liked, fear of being liked...you may have heard this before...

I know that when I was following along with VerbTribe (I'm still determined to get back with the program), I got scared. Scared that I would find out that something I believed about myself my whole life would be untrue (that I was meant to be a writer), scared that I WAS meant to be a writer (which means I've been doing it all wrong), that I'm supposed to be a writer and it is okay that I'm not just doing that all the time (will I suddenly become dissatisfied with my life?)...so I withdraw.

It is a pattern. I can see it. I'm hoping to start to peel the layers back and look at this pattern, start moving some of the pieces around and see what can happen from there.

No Shame, No Apologies

Well, okay, maybe a little...but I'm trying to get past it.

I went back to my VerbTribe group last night trying not to feel guilty or behind or embarrassed that I fell "behind".   There was love and openness and welcoming. I'm going to take that and battle the rest.  I am fighting some mighty demons with this writing stuff, so I need all the help I can get.

Thank you, Rumpusing Friends, for your support, too.  Kindness never goes to waste.

Returning to the Fold

I spent much of the day today trying to gather the information for all the VerbTribe activities I have missed in the last days...I gathered them all, made a plan and am ready to go.  I will never be perfect, much as my brain thinks I want to be. I'm not even close to possibly being perfect at any point EVER.  I know it. I'm really okay with it. I just have to face it pretty regularly.

I'm excited to get my behind in gear and scared, too.  Showing your soul is not easy, you know.

"Mockingjay" Complete - Onward!

I finished "Mockingjay" today.  It is the last book in "The Hunger Games" trilogy.  It was a little bit harder to get into this one, but it was totally worth it.  I sort of look at all 3 books as one and this one was one of the lull parts in the middle. :)

Now, I have to figure out what I'm going to read next. And catch up on VerbTribe.  I've been procrastinating. That's never a good sign.  I think I have been avoiding some "real" stuff.

Wrestling with Perfection

I am struggling to keep up with VerbTribe and mad at myself for it. And trying not to be mad at myself. It is a work in progress, right?

I sense discomfort and fear, so I have to face it and keep moving towards it.

VerbTribe, Sleep and Reading

I have been doing my VerbTribe writing this week and today I slept a lot.  I really needed it. I felt a little guilty, but not enough to not do it.  I woke up at 8am and stayed up for a couple of hours (I have discovered Angry Birds on Facebook...oy!), then I decided to put a movie on and promptly feel back asleep.  I didn't do much but sleep, play Angry Birds and read today.  My shoulder hurts a little, so I had to stop playing the game - I really should know better.

Still working on "Mockingjay" - such a different read than the first two. And, I suppose, there was the naughty feeling that I should be doing something else. I think, sometimes, that has more of an effect than I want to think about.  I have quite a list of books in the line of "to be read", so I need to get my behind in gear.

Embarking on a New Journey

Well, friends, I know we have been here before...and I have dropped the ball a few times.

Tomorrow, my VerbTribe course starts. I'm nervous and excited and scared that I will poop out on this journey as I seem to do sometimes. I did set myself up for success this time - this is the only course I'm taking that is time-bound. I don't have another project or show that I'm working on.  I don't anticipate too much chaos at this time.  That's about all anyone can ask, really.

I know that when I fall down on some of my classes/journeys, it is often about resistance and fear. I'm working on it. I working on facing fear, on breaking through the real and perceived barriers. Usually, the main barrier is ME. My brain is a pretty sneaky enemy sometimes, but at least I know it.

Wish me luck, Fellow Rumpusers. I don't think I will need it because I am determined to see this through and walk through the fear and anxiety of exposure and commitment.  I know I am in good hands.

Prepping for VerbTribe

Go to the website...

One more day and then we start...April 4 - May 10...I'm nervous, but excited. I have a few supplies to get and some courage to gather.  It is going to be good and probably life-altering, no matter what happens.

My Bliss List

Liv Lane is the inspiration and leader of the weekly "My Little Bliss List" - an opportunity to highlight the goodness in life.  I love having the opportunity to participate. Thanks, Liv!

This week, my list is short but powerful:

1.  I finished two books in the space of a couple of days!!  Reading IS BLISS!  I'm so happy!
2.  I'm working on a show I love - WICKED.  I love doing it, but I'm excited to have some time to myself.
3. VerbTribe starts on April 1 with Patti Digh and I'm SO EXCITED!!!  I know that this will be a life-changing experience.  I can't wait to get started.

Thank you to all who come and rumpus here!  I love having you and I appreciate you so much. You are always on my Bliss List!!

Searching for New Input

I can tell that I'm in a period of transition. My thoughts are everywhere and no where.  I have so much to say and when I sit down to say it, I find that I am at a loss.  I can't wait for VerbTribe to start, but at the same time, what if I don't complete them?  I feel so inspired by all the things I'm doing this year, but I feel a little like a failure because I haven't been able to keep up with it all.  Luckily, some of the events/activities go on for a while or provide a PDF or the class is available for a long time, the book group meets for the whole year.

I have been searching for new input and then I find myself in a maze, trying to find my way to the new stuff through the old stuff.  I think this is a good place to be, but it leaves me at a loss when I try to write.  I know this is temporary, so I'm not really stressed about it - just thinking that it is interesting to notice myself reacting differently than I usually do. That's growth.

Here's to working through the process. Growth is good. It is slower than I want it to be, but it is happening.

Bliss List - TGIF!

From Liv Lane's Bliss List postings: Every Friday, the Little Bliss List provides a chance for us to celebrate the little things that brought us hope and happiness this week. I do believe when we focus on the sweet stuff of life, the sweet stuff multiplies. And by sharing those small gifts in our lives, we help others notice the gifts in theirs. 

Hi everyone!  This has been a challenging week, but in a good way.  I don't have a long list this week, but I am definitely grateful for a lot of things.

1. As you all know, I am a huge fan of Patti Digh, have taken a telecourse from her, have followed her blogs, her books and her Facebook. I'm going to be taking her VerbTribe course in April.  I'm so grateful to her for being so open and sharing so much of herself. It is inspiring and empowering to have someone to look to for guidance, support and inspiration.  I want to be a better person and I owe a lot of that to her.

2.  I love the television show "Friends".  I was slow to the show when it was on, but after Roby died, I became a huge fan. It helped me feel closer to him and now, I just love it because it is funny and fun with just the right mixture of silliness and seriousness.

3.  I am grateful for the people I work with.  I am fortunate to work with a bunch of professionals in person everyday who inspire me to be my best self. It isn't always easy, but I love it.  In addition, I have a support network of people across the country who make me laugh, lift me up and help me see different perspectives.  I feel like I have support from all sides and that really made a difference for me this week.

4.  Bliss consisted of some good, well-earned sleep this week.  I slept like a rock and I am very happy about that.

5.  I'm grateful this week to anyone who comes here to visit.  I love the blog and I really value the connections I have made here. Thank you!

Go to www.livlane.com to see where it all started!

Back to Real Life

Now that I am done rehearsing for this show, I'm on to the next one - "Wicked". We perform on March 15 and March 31. I can't wait - I love the show, but it is quite difficult.

In the meantime (before we have started rehearsing), I'm going to be getting back to my BBTL class (the sixth week just rolled up - I will be catching up in the next few weeks).  Luckily, the Facebook group is going to stay up so that we can continue to connect with our cohort. I'm excited about that - a nice way to stay connected.  I'm sad to have the class be over, but I know I will keep using the information I am learning.

So in the spirit of my BBTL class, I'm posting a Bliss List.

Every Friday, the Little Bliss List provides a chance for us to celebrate the little things that brought us hope and happiness this week. I do believe when we focus on the sweet stuff of life, the sweet stuff multiplies. And by sharing those small gifts in our lives, we help others notice the gifts in theirs. (From Liv Lane's Bliss List post)


1.  Thanks to Liv Lane and all the BBTL classmates! I have loved the experience even though I have fallen behind. There is much for me to learn and many blogs to visit, but I haven't given up - just restructured my time so that I can get the full benefit of the class and the group.

2.  I love the musical Wicked!  My favorite songs change all the time, but I particularly love "What is this Feeling?" and "Popular".  Two other favorites are "Defying Gravity" and "For Good".  Oh! and "I'm Not that Girl".  See, my favorites change all the time.

3.  I'm loving my Letter Love 101 class with Joanne Sharpe.  I have been getting new art supplies to help me work on the class and I  LOVE IT!! (I tried to upload a badge here, but for some reason, I'm still struggling with Blogger and uploading photos. It is hit or miss right now.)

4.  I love books. No reason for saying that today - I just have been thinking about books lately and how much I love to read. Still trying to figure out how to carve out more regular time for myself to read.

5.  Still love Pinterest. It is a visual delight for me.  Since I can't manage the photo here that I want, here's a link to my boards.

6.  I have been zoning out playing Zuma Deluxe this week when I was feeling super-stressed out. Love mindless games for just such purposes.

7.  Love all the things that are coming in my life - Verb Tribe (mine starts in April), 30 Days of Courage...I'm thinking about maybe doing another art journal (self-paced) class. I feel like I'm changing inside. It isn't something people can see, it is something I feel. Something for me.

8. I ordered a book by Brene Brown today. I can't wait to read it. It is about perfectionism.  Her work on shame, guilt, authenticity, pefectionism...well, it really should be all I read and do. I feel as if she knows me. Scary but also freeing to know that many people experience these things in tandem. There is hope. I love that.

Man, oh, man.  I'm all blissed! I really do lead a pretty blessed life.  Thanks for playing a part in that!

I'm in the April VerbTribe!!

http://www.37days.com/verbtribe

I did one of the scariest things possible today...I signed up for Patti Digh's VerbTribe (the link goes to the description and an old registration - the new class starts April 4,  2012).

Writing is a thread that has been woven through my whole life and I want so much to continue to improve and grow and write from my heart.  This will be a way to make that happen.  And my knees are practically knocking!

The good news is that I saw the original course which was happening now and I thought about all the things I had already committed to - A Year With Myself, How To Build a Blog You Truly Love, Letter Love 101, the 37Days Book Group...I knew there was NO WAY that I could participate in VerbTribe the way I wanted to, so even though I didn't know if Patti would offer it again, I decided to be smart and wait.  I'm so glad I did!  Good things come to those who wait!  And in April, I only have A Year with Myself still going. The other classes will be done (at least formally), so I can really participate the way I want to.  I don't even have a show that month, so I know this is the right time for me.

Yay!