Getting the Message Out there

Please visit this website: http://www.hopeforkai.com/index.html

Patti Digh has given me many gifts in the last year or so - I want to honor her Mother's Day wish to find some help for Kai.

Kai's father was diagnosed with lymphoma last year and Kai was diagnosed with leukemia and needs a bone marrow transplant. Are you a match? Go to the website to find out how you can help.

Here is Patti's post on 37 Days for more information.

Video Frustration and other timely topics

I'm so frustrated with the videos and my cutting and pasting. I think I know what is happening and why the videos keep being duplicates. Right now, my computer is really running slowly and when I get to YouTube and cut and paste, almost every time, the video starts, I copy the embed information and then it kind of flickers, goes back to the beginning and appears as if I had never clicked on or copied the embed. This is REALLY ANNOYING.

What I am choosing to do is to take it as a sign that I should come back to the blog and write more for my dear readers and for myself.

It has been a difficult and emotional week. I am just finishing up my second 14 hour day and I'm exhausted.

Thanks for bearing with me.

"Ragtime" - Beautiful and Underrated

Whether you melt at the voices, tap your foot to the ragtime beat or just weep at the injustice and the beauty of it all, "Ragtime" is one of the best American musicals ever written. It has it all, soaring music, a love story, intrigue and political upheaval. I love it.

Audra McDonald and Brian Stokes Mitchell "Wheels of a Dream" from "Ragtime"


Creating Ragtime part 1 (Great Performances from 1997) 10 minutes


Creating Ragtime part 2 (Great Performances from 1997) 10 minutes


Creating Ragtime part 3 (Great Performances from 1997) 10 minutes


Creating Ragtime part 4 (Great Performances from 1997) 10 minutes


Creating Ragtime part 5 (Great Performances from 1997) 10 minutes


Creating Ragtime part 6 (Great Performances from 1997) 10 minutes


**Forgive me AGAIN...this is a sign that I should be writing something. I promise I will get the right clips in here. Sigh. Thanks for being patient.

Checking in

It probably seems like I died or assigned someone to find videos to post for your entertainment while I went on vacation... I'm still here. I picked the videos myself. :)

Last month was intense with all the posting and the process of the 37 Day Challenge. I am wanting to do something else like that - a different focus, but I realized that I really just needed to sit with it for a little while.

The music that I post usually moves me in some way and I love to share that with people. That is usually the only way I find new music these days - if someone recommends something to me. So I hope anyone reading this enjoys the videos so far.

My brain is taking a mini-break for a few days, but I didn't want to leave the blog completely. I've got a streak going.

"Anthem" from Chess

Tommy Körberg sings "Anthem" from Chess.



**Apologies to anyone frustrated by the video being a duplicate of Adam Lambert again. I cut and pasted, but my computer is giving me heck right now. :(

"Les Miserables" Over the Years

1985 Original London Cast Opening and some Rehearsal video with Michael Ball as Marius


21st Anniversary Original London Cast Reunion


Brian Stokes Mitchell as Javert singing "Stars"


**I'm so annoyed that the copy of the original videos I placed here did not work...I have to start using IE instead of Opera if I'm going to do videos. :( Sorry about that. Glad I finally caught it.

Adam Lambert - Wicked Performances

Sorry for the poor management...I use Opera at home which doesn't allow for video on my home computer...There are 3!! videos. Smile.

YES Can Change a Life

How many ways can saying YES change someone's life?

Again, I wept watching this regular guy from a regular town who has 2 regular jobs blow an audience away with his talent and his humility.  

Jamie Pugh on "Britain's Got Talent"

This is an extreme example of how affirmation can change a life, but we should take this to heart.  We can at least make someone's day by saying YES to them.

Day 37 - I Know Now Why I Took this Challenge

"Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less."~Marie Curie

“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant?”~Henry David Thoreau

“We can only appreciate the miracle of a sunrise if we have waited in the darkness” ~ Unknown

“Miracles happen everyday, change your perception of what a miracle is and you'll see them all around you.”~Jon Bon Jovi

“This is the miracle that happens every time to those who really love; the more they give, the more they possess.”~Rainer Maria Rilke 

On Day 37, the most miraculous thing happened in the most simple way. All that I have been thinking and writing and working on came to my aid the morning of the 37th day.

Some time ago, I had to let go of a relationship that I cherished. It was the right thing to do and I knew it at the time.  I never stopped loving that person or wanting the best for them and I secretly hoped they felt the same way even though our paths have not crossed in several years. Out of respect for the person, I did not make contact and tried to be considerate about time and place and if we were both likely to be at an event.  It never happened.

Throughout this time, other people mentioned the person's name, how they were doing, asked me if I had seen them recently and for some reason, I was compelled not to talk about the situation, the person. I did not have any feelings of resentment - only sadness.  I have missed my friend.

Today, through an external source that I could not influence, we were scheduled to be in the same place at the same time with possible interaction. When I found this out, I was nervous and thought about contacting the person to let them know I would be there.  Simultaneously, I was worried they would not show up...how many years could we avoid each other in a community as small as ours.  Maybe he would see my name on the list and decide not to come.  How would I ever know how they were feeling about it at this point? Then, I realized how egotistical that seemed...what the heck difference would it make? Maybe that was fine with them...who was I to influence their decision or dredge all that stuff back up? Maybe they wouldn't remember at all?  Maybe they would still be angry and refuse any kind of contact...

To make a long story short, the person approached me in this very simple and beautiful way.  I was scared, but I so wanted to be respectful and to show the person that there were no hard feelings.  They were so kind and generous that the Universe just allowed our hearts to connect again.

The person asked for forgiveness and I HONESTLY didn't think any forgiveness was necessary.  I told them so.  All I could think about was that I had just received the gift of forgiveness myself, the gift of their presence, the gift of trust and friendship and vulnerability.  And I KNEW that it was because I wanted it so badly and because I have worked SO HARD to be receptive to the gift.  To show people that I am a safe place for them to land. That I want a safe place to land, too.  Gandhi said, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world."  I am trying.

I could cry right now thinking about it - in fact, my eyes are filled and so is my heart - with tears of joy for my friend is back in my world and it is like they never left.  What is a miracle if not the gift of getting something precious back that you thought lost forever?

I floated through the rest of the day and I am still buoyed by the infusion of love in my heart.

This is why I needed to look at who I wanted to be.  This is why I needed to pull those thoughts to the surface.  This is why I needed to practice being and thinking and doing the things that would make me a person I could respect.  

On the 37th Day, my personal miracle happened.  And I couldn't ask for anything more.  Glorious.  

Day 36: Back to My Roots

Today, I had the opportunity to interpret in a situation that was scary, exciting, challenging and difficult.  There were lots of factors but I DID IT.

My goal - stay real with my team, stay real with the process.  If I was in over my head, I was prepared to be the interpreter that I WANT to be - step up.  If there is a problem, tell someone, ask someone - don't just keep spiraling downward.

I think it went pretty well.  I was rusty, I wasn't perfect (no interpretation is, but I was NOT perfect).  I lived through it, had a good time, got some good feedback and saw some folks I hadn't seen in a long time.

Then, an after-job get together with some of my dear friends who complete my heart.  Some new friends there, too.  We laughed, reminisced, told stories, and thoroughly enjoyed each other.

Every muscle in my neck, back and chest hurt.  Obviously, I have been away too long.  I'm going to change that.

So, how does this relate to my 37 Days Challenge?  Well, I thought it all through, I thought about the kind of person/interpreter I wanted to be - respectful, skilled, humble, appropriate, friendly, appropriate boundaries and honest.  I just worked on that and stayed focused on all the things I have done in the past 36 Days to stay grounded in who I am and who I want to be.  There is a zen quality to that path now - when I get there, things change, calm, feel complete.

Day 35: Bouncing Back

Deep breathing is helping.  Smiling helps.

Then I was sorting through my home email account (I don't much check it anymore because I am on email ALL DAY LONG at work...) .  I had signed up for Oprah.com's "Miracle Thought" from Marianne Williamson and she had the perfect thought for today...

"Salvation begins when you consider that there might be another way."  from A Course in Miracles Workbook

"Consider it. There might be another way. Don’t avoid your life. This is it. Everything you are experiencing right now is the platform for a miracle. Heaven isn’t out there, later – it is here now."

In my workplace, we have a sign that says, "Choose your Attitude".  It is kind of dorky and a VERY non-professional sign, but I see it every day when I come in the door.  For a long time, I thought about it every day when I walked towards my office...OH!!  Epiphany!!  We have a big board welcoming visitors that is COVERING IT!!  It has been there all week. Maybe that is part of my problem!!!  

Anyway, today, I was back on track.  When I felt stressed or frustrated, I went and sought out people.  I got up and walked around.  I did something DIFFERENT.  It helped.  It didn't make the stress disappear, but it took away some of the bite.

Now, on to the weekend.  I'm sure the next two days will be informative for me in this grand experiment.  

Day 34: Sick and Tired

I must be on the verge of some discovery or change because this week is turning out to be crappy.  Crapilicious.  Craptacular.  Crap-on-a-stick.

And now to top it all off, I am feeling pukey and sick. I don't know how to spell pukey, but it is a good word.  And no, it isn't swine flu.  

Blech.

So, perhaps some miraculous self-discovery moment will happen sometime tonight and I can write about it tomorrow.  But for now, bleh.  I'm going to go lay down.  

Day 33: Journey On

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” ~Winston Churchill 

I should have taken my lunch today...I didn't.  I meant to and then suddenly it was 5:00pm.  It was all I could do to stick it out for the full 8.5 hours...I don't know why.

That's not true. I do know why.  I feel restless. I want to clean everything and throw everything away.  I want to just start all over again - clean slate. Not just at work, but everywhere.  

I feel like I have lost my ability to focus, to stay tuned into anything for longer than 10 minutes.  I'm worried that I did all this thinking and writing and wondering for the last 33 days and when it all comes down to it, what did I accomplish?  Did I change? Did my perceptions change?  Did I pick an easy way out?  What should I have chosen to do?  Did I sabotage myself? Can I just maintain until the 37 days are done?  What will I do after?

I realized tonight how fractured my life is and therefore, how fractured I feel.  I have my full-time job, where I earn my living and get my benefits.  I have my creative jobs, I have teaching (not right now), and I have my (ahem) personal life.  In some ways, all of these things are intricately tied together - in that they are all about interpreting, interpreters, providing services to Deaf people, etc.  But I feel unfulfilled personally, creatively.  I love doing this blog and I have all these thoughts about art and music and photography.  I feel such a longing for beauty and creativity - for books, poetry, writing, theatre.  And I don't do it.  

What is wrong with this picture?  What am I doing?  I feel like I'm holding my own head underwater.  It isn't anyone else...what am I afraid of?  What could life be if I could just DO IT.  Whatever it is.  

I don't even know where the person is who was capable of all that stuff.  I feel like I'm losing myself in some ways.  This 37 Day Challenge has helped me see myself- in some good ways and some less good ways.  I think this realization is the one I have been afraid of having.  This kind of river of dissatisfaction flowing through me...questioning what I'm doing, where I'm going.  I knew I would find myself, but in finding the person I want to be, I see her across an ocean of who I am.  

I don't even know how to talk about it rationally.  I just have this ache in the pit of my stomach.  It hasn't gotten better - it has gotten deeper.  I have to figure out what I need to do to ease it.  Wow.  So much work to do. Every step I take, I see the road just get longer.  I guess when the road ends, so do I, so I should be grateful.  I am grateful. I am.  Just tired.  

Day 32: Downhill at this stage?

I had a hard day today.  Just some realizations that I think I already knew but that I had to relearn.

I realized (again) that no matter how hard I try, I cannot please everyone.  And mostly, the displeasure or pleasure that people feel about you may or may not be about you at all.  It may be about the swirling of their universe around them and you can't even see it, much less affect it.

No matter how nice, how flexible, how accomodating, how patient, how clear, how kind, how attentive you are, it is not enough for most people.  And that has to be okay.  

Today, I had a hard time being ok with it.  Then I get frustrated with myself for not remembering this before I got frustrated in the first place.  

I guess I should expect some speed bumps.  It all comes from being more aware.  That's never a bad thing, just not always the easiest thing to be.

Umm...It looked different at home

I have an ancient monitor at home that my father bought at Goodwill or something for $5. At the time, it was one of the first flat screen monitors but it was one of the thick ones...(I know there is a name...CRT?). It is old and not widescreened by any means.

When I put the new picture up for my Blog Header, it filled the space on MY screen just fine. But I looked at it on a widescreen monitor today and was my face red! The picture, although sweet and fun, does not nearly cover the space I need it to cover. Sigh.

I love the picture, but I think I'm going to hold off on the change until I can get a mosaic or something. I even struggled with one of those this weekend, hence the single photo instead of several.

**I think I figured it out...I'm testing out the header. Bear with me. :)

Day 31: More Flower Photos

I have a "family function" today. I go because it is important to my mother, but otherwise, there is no love lost between the other members of my family and I. Some pretty intense, harsh, unforgettable things were said.

I want to be able to be Zen about these things because I can't avoid them without being the bitch who wouldn't play. I can accept that this is one of those things I *have* to do. But I hope I can get to a place where it doesn't ruin my day, make my neck clench up and keep me so on edge.

My goal is to go, to be friendly, to avoid controversial topics, to nod and smile - just like being at work. I can do it. I'm just not happy about it.

So, that's why I'm posting more flower pictures. They are happy. Does anyone know what kind of flowers the pink ones are? The pink and white ones from last week are cherry blossoms. The white ones from this set are apple blossoms. But the pink ones, I just don't know.

Day 30: Time for Myself

Today, I look forward to some down time. Time away. Quiet time. Beach time. I think I'm going to go to the beach in May for at least a few days to chill and think and relax. No matter what kind of person I am or strive to be, I gotta have some time for myself.

[image from here]

Bea Arthur: Television Trailblazer

I remember watching pieces of "Maude" on T.V. when I was little. I didn't always understand why people were laughing, but I remember recognizing this woman who seemed fearless and powerful and commanded attention. She had a deep voice like my mom. There was something about her that I admired, even when I was just 6 or 7 years old. Something about her presence resonated deep in me - even before I turned out to be 5'11" + with an alto voice.

Bea Arthur, Broadway actress, T.V. Hall of Fame member, star of "Maude" and "The Golden Girls" and Tony Award Winner for "Mame", passed away this morning in her sleep. She was 86.

Wouldn't it be great to be a role model like that? To leave a legacy for women to look up to? Not necessarily on that large of a scale, but to know you made a difference somehow...that is a life well-lived, I think.

I'm gonna have to go out and get some episodes of "Maude" to watch...

Day 29: Unconcious Patterns

“Our character is basically a composite of our habits. Because they are consistent, often unconcious patterns, they constantly, daily, express our character...” ~Stephen R. Covey

On Patti Digh's blog today, she talked about patterns and finding the patterns in our 37 Days Challenge. I decided to think about that today.

One of the great values of this exercise, for me, is that instead of falling into some of my old patterns, I have been able to keep this journey present in my mind daily. I wouldn't say in the front of my mind exactly, but ever present.

I haven't necessarily been successful at the HOW of it (30 minutes at lunch every day thinking about the kind of person I want to be - what is there, what needs work, what I need to figure out). I have been successful at incorporating those qualities and focusing on them more. I find myself trying not to multi-task while on the phone (I'm not at 100% yet). I make sure to make eye contact with the person I am talking to face to face - acknowledging people, thanking them for whatever I can, smiling more. I have been trying to enjoy my connections, my time, my activities more.

I have work to do. I have some things I haven't done - mostly commitments to myself that I haven't lived up to. That is my pattern. Even in this exploration of self, it has been mostly outwardly focused. I don't think it is a bad thing - to treat others more compassionately, to try to be kinder and more present. However, there are some things I need to do for myself.

I will be taking a vacation in May - that will be for me. :) I will be seeking out opportunities for connection and joy because those things will sustain me in the times when I need to focus on others and other issues. I'm not done with this challenge - still a few days left, and still some items on my list. Some things will morph into other actions, reactions and pursuits. It is an exciting time and a scary one. I feel at times like I haven't done enough. I haven't thought deeply enough or really touched on what needs to be touched on...is that fear? I will keep looking, keep asking, keep trying.

Today, I think I helped someone feel good about themself on a really, really emotional and difficult day for them. Even if it was only for a moment.

Day 28: Holding Pattern

I had a show today. I don't know why, but almost everything in my life grinds to a screeching halt on show day. I don't deal with any of that stuff because I am trying to focus on the show and the translations and just getting to the place I need to be to stand up in front of 3,000 people and wear my heart on my sleeve. That's what theatrical interpreting feels like to me most of the time.

I love it, but it is exhausting, emotionally, for me.

I want to be the best I can be - as a team, as an interpreter, as the person conveying the story to others. I want to be less high-strung about it - i.e., life happens on show days, but I don't want to lose the passion or the drive or the joy that I feel when doing, seeing or rehearsing for theatre.