Saturday, May 2, 2009

Day 37 - I Know Now Why I Took this Challenge

"Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less."~Marie Curie

“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant?”~Henry David Thoreau

“We can only appreciate the miracle of a sunrise if we have waited in the darkness” ~ Unknown

“Miracles happen everyday, change your perception of what a miracle is and you'll see them all around you.”~Jon Bon Jovi

“This is the miracle that happens every time to those who really love; the more they give, the more they possess.”~Rainer Maria Rilke 

On Day 37, the most miraculous thing happened in the most simple way. All that I have been thinking and writing and working on came to my aid the morning of the 37th day.

Some time ago, I had to let go of a relationship that I cherished. It was the right thing to do and I knew it at the time.  I never stopped loving that person or wanting the best for them and I secretly hoped they felt the same way even though our paths have not crossed in several years. Out of respect for the person, I did not make contact and tried to be considerate about time and place and if we were both likely to be at an event.  It never happened.

Throughout this time, other people mentioned the person's name, how they were doing, asked me if I had seen them recently and for some reason, I was compelled not to talk about the situation, the person. I did not have any feelings of resentment - only sadness.  I have missed my friend.

Today, through an external source that I could not influence, we were scheduled to be in the same place at the same time with possible interaction. When I found this out, I was nervous and thought about contacting the person to let them know I would be there.  Simultaneously, I was worried they would not show many years could we avoid each other in a community as small as ours.  Maybe he would see my name on the list and decide not to come.  How would I ever know how they were feeling about it at this point? Then, I realized how egotistical that seemed...what the heck difference would it make? Maybe that was fine with them...who was I to influence their decision or dredge all that stuff back up? Maybe they wouldn't remember at all?  Maybe they would still be angry and refuse any kind of contact...

To make a long story short, the person approached me in this very simple and beautiful way.  I was scared, but I so wanted to be respectful and to show the person that there were no hard feelings.  They were so kind and generous that the Universe just allowed our hearts to connect again.

The person asked for forgiveness and I HONESTLY didn't think any forgiveness was necessary.  I told them so.  All I could think about was that I had just received the gift of forgiveness myself, the gift of their presence, the gift of trust and friendship and vulnerability.  And I KNEW that it was because I wanted it so badly and because I have worked SO HARD to be receptive to the gift.  To show people that I am a safe place for them to land. That I want a safe place to land, too.  Gandhi said, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world."  I am trying.

I could cry right now thinking about it - in fact, my eyes are filled and so is my heart - with tears of joy for my friend is back in my world and it is like they never left.  What is a miracle if not the gift of getting something precious back that you thought lost forever?

I floated through the rest of the day and I am still buoyed by the infusion of love in my heart.

This is why I needed to look at who I wanted to be.  This is why I needed to pull those thoughts to the surface.  This is why I needed to practice being and thinking and doing the things that would make me a person I could respect.  

On the 37th Day, my personal miracle happened.  And I couldn't ask for anything more.  Glorious.  

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