Saturday, May 23, 2009

Melancholy Saturday

So, I just got back from vacation. I should be full of energy. Really, the whole week kicked my butt - I was exhausted every night. Today, I woke up early and put in "In the Land of Women" which made me cry. Then I put in "Definitely, Maybe" after watching a couple of cooking shows. That movie made me cry, too. Now, I have "Bounce" in, but I haven't really been paying attention to it.

Mostly, I have been feeling kinda down. The weight of the responsibilities I have at work has been really taking its toll lately and I feel like once you strip away the work - the M-F job, the interpreting, the theatre...what's left? When I started my job, I worked 3:30pm - midnight, necessitating a huge life change. It wasn't that hard as much of my personal life had already disintegrated - people moving, friends growing away from each other, people coupling up. So, working til midnight kind of gave me a reason not to have an active personal life. Now, I just work and get tired, go home...mostly, it is fine. But some days, this kind of solitary life backs up on me a little.

I had a dream about Roby last night and I have been missing him all day. Missing having someone who just gets you in those funny ways that friends do. Missing someone to just hang with or call on the phone. Maybe, if he hadn't died, we wouldn't still be doing that, anyway...? Maybe he would have coupled off or we would have grown apart or one of us would have moved away. Maybe, we would be sitting in one of our living rooms, feet tangled as we watched some movie.

I don't indulge in "what if" much, but today, I'm just feeling the pull of him.

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