Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Leaving the Past Behind or Conquering Secret Demons

So, my little-known secret is that I keep text messages for WAY too long. In fact, I have my two-way pager from 1997 still...and up until the last time the battery went dead (probably during my vacation), I checked it every couple of days and changed the battery regularly. Apparently, this time, I left it too long and all the messages are gone. For good.

I have some anxiety over this and I know it is irrational - the messages are not the people...the messages are not anything other than that. I don't know why I keep them...I didn't read them every day, but I knew they were there. Birthday wishes, congratulatory pages, pages about my friends who have died, messages with secret codes and silly little memories. I have the memories. I actually have a really good memory, but for some reason, I cling to these things.

I know it has something to do with growing up and moving around so much. I guess because I have such a strong memory (mostly), I read the words from a page or email or letter and I can remember the circumstances, the people involved, the event, the colors, the smells...the words evoke strong feelings and vivid pictures. I'm pretty sure that if it is important enough, I remember it anyway, but I worry about the day that I DON'T. I guess that's why I have this blog. To record the minutiae. 

I am still working on my Roby stories.  I think I just need to write a list of the stories that I want to remember and then start writing them out...

Anyway, I don't like to talk about this anxiety that I have.  I am making progress on it.  So, one less thing to do/remember.  I will put a message on the voicemail - close the pager down in 30 days.  Saves some money.  Step in the right direction, right?  A little less neurotic...one device at a time.

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