A lot of people get impatient with the pace of change. - James Levine
I always have these imaginings that when I decide to do something or change something, it happens quickly and smoothly. I'm usually (almost always) wrong. This time is no exception, but I'm not feeling down about it. Just trying to figure it out.
I think that is a sign of maturity (I hope). Usually, if I lose patience or get frustrated, I use it as an excuse to give up or change my mind (read: back away in fear). This time, as I realize that I have things to do for myself and things that I have committed to others, instead of letting others trump self, I'm figuring out what I need to do for both.
I want/imainge myself to be a person who isn't governed by structure and rules. I had a boss who said, "You should work on the handbook because you are a black and white person." I was really offended and kind of hurt, but later I realized that there is truth to that. I see the shades of gray, but only because I know where the black and white are. I do believe in rules although I'm not adverse to bending or breaking them for the right reasons. I guess I thought that if I need structure and rules and boundaries it meant that I wasn't fun or funny or friendly or flexible. My head believes that none of those things are true. My heart still doesn't buy that it is okay to have both. (I think this is a little bit of Roby legacy.)
I don't really like surprises anymore - I've had enough unpleasant ones to last me a lifetime, so I guess it makes sense that I like to have some predictability in my life. I think that some level of predictability is underrated. If you have a base of predictable behavior, predictable outcomes, it is easier to roll with the punches that you CAN'T control. Does that make sense?
Anyway, I have a lot going on with all the classes and work and the blog and art journaling and my book group and a play I'm working on, and and and... But I'm feeling good. I'm a little behind everywhere, but I haven't given up. I'm structuring in time to work on each thing and will continue to do that as I move forward.
I can't wait to see where this leads!