I did it! Nablopomo January!

I can't get the dang picture where I want it on the sidebar, so I'm putting it here for now. I will continue to attempt to get it right, but I'm too frustrated right now...So I checked online and it seems to be a problem with the Opera Browser...I usually use Opera for my blog, but it seems to be having some kind of fit today.

Anyway, I'm very proud of the last two months of Nablopomo because I have been experimenting with ways to keep myself on track, to keep writing about stuff I want to, but to try to keep it interesting. Nobody cares what I ate for lunch yesterday - ya know? So having themes is kind of cool...I'm on the fence about February...I only have today to decide...the theme is WANT. I don't know if I can talk about that every day, but I also know that I like being accountable - knowing that I committed to writing here daily really keeps me motivated. Anyway, I will decide what to do later today. More as I know more.

Change Can Liberate Us: Marianne Williamson

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? ...Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. ... It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~Marianne Williamson

I have been saving this one for last...This quote is often attributed to Nelson Mandela, but Marianne Williamson actually said it.  I'm not sure if it is from one of her lectures or if she actually wrote it in one of her books.  I know it doesn't have the WORD "change" in it - but it is about changing how we present ourselves to the world.

I have written here before about how Marianne Williamson and her lectures helped me through Roby's death.  Her style, her perspectives, the information still resonates with me , even though I don't necessarily listen to her on a daily basis.

When you read the quote, think about all the ways that we "play small" in a day.  I still do it sometimes.  We deflect compliments, downplay our strengths, include others in our accomplishments so that they won't feel bad, so that we won't feel guilty, so that people won't think, "Wow, s/he has a big head."  I think there is a way to be proud of ourselves and feel good about ourselves, our accomplishments or whatever without lording it over people.  

As an interpreter, we work in this mentality of scarcity (by the way, I looked this word up and while it is spelled correctly according to Webster's, it looks weird).  There is always a fear that we will not get enough work, that we won't get that all day job.  I know that the ACTUAL amount of work has changed due to VRS and people taking on more full-time jobs, but I see the mentality is still there.  Interpreters taking as much work as possible because you never know what is going to happen next week.   

What I have learned and what I was trying to practice before taking a full time job was that there is enough work to go around.  There is enough space in the world for us all to shine where we can, and to figure out/learn to shine in the areas where we would like to shine.  My shining shouldn't take away from YOUR ability to shine - it should serve as an example of what is possible.  I love that what is POSSIBLE is endless.  I don't read a well-written book and think, "Well, now they are a great author, so I never could be.  There isn't enough space for another good author."  What it really means is WOW!! Another great author - that means people will be looking for someone to read after... Another good interpreter!  Excellent - that means I will have someone great to work with if I can work at that level.

I'm feeling a little rambly now, so I'm going to stop.  Hopefully, my intention is there, regardless of the mess I made in explaining it.

Keeping Change in Perspective: Ellen Glasgow

"All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward." ~Ellen Glasgow

Lately, I have found myself saying, "Just because we can, doesn't mean we should."  This applies to technology, mostly.  

Take for example the change from analog television to digital.  Oddly enough, Europe has been digital for many years and the U.S. had the opportunity to change, but like choosing VHS format over Betamax, we drove too far down the wrong road.  Now, we are looking Feb. 17 in the face, the people who probably needed those coupons for the digital converter box didn't get them and now the money has run out.  Congress was debating whether or not to postpone the changeover, but now with the economy the way it is, TV stations all over the country are supporting digital and analog stations and they can't wait to change over and only provide one service.

The boxes are complicated and if you ever want to watch one channel while taping another, forget it.  You have to have a converter box for both the TV and the VCR.  It's ridiculous.  I understand why they are making the change, but I get so sick of the ploys to get me to buy stuff all over again.  We are supposed to be trying to simplify things, not rebuy every video we every purchased again in DVD or BlueRay or HiDef.  Ugh.  I refuse to be caught up in all of that.  

Another fine example that illustrates that all change is not progress - DVD players in cars.  I understand the theory about why people might think this is a good idea, however, the first ad I ever saw for one of the Vans with a DVD player in it was one of the most horrific examples of why we SHOULDN'T have DVD players in cars.  In the commercial, two lovely parents put their two lovely, but rambunctious young children in the car, strap them in and plug them in.  The kids are totally enraptured by the cartoon on the DVD with their little headphones on and all is quiet for Mommy and Daddy to drive to work - no contact with their little ones, no learning happening, no connecting, no singing, no family interaction.  Just zombied out little kids who will be deaf from all the earplug listening they do.  

Or...(I'm on a roll...haha) teeny, tiny televisions.  I bought an iPod nano and it apparently has video capability.  I don't want to watch a two inch movie.  I don't think it is healthy.  I don't think I need to watch any more video than I already do.  But we can, so we do.  When are we going to have legislation that says no video watching while you drive?  How many pedestrians will be hit by cars because they were watching the TV in their watch?

I'm a fairly liberal person, but lately, I have marveled at the lack of restraint we all seem to have. We all buy whatever we want, whenever we want.  We have all this crap (myself included) and there is no anticipation.  There is no thought about why something might be a good or a bad idea.  Will it affect our health?  Will it affect our planet?  Will it hurt us later?

Take for example wireless internet and all the cell phone towers and whatnot.  Now I am reading that many birds get confused and off track due to the electrical currents of wifi and cell towers and all that.  This year, they are having an epidemic of pelican deaths - seems they didn't fly south early enough because of global climate change and then when they did, many of them got confused due to the "stuff" in the atmosphere, flew off course and are now dying off in record numbers.  Will all of this affect our chemistry?  Our weather?  Will we just eventualy be born with a bluetooth in our ear like the Borg?

I know this is a rant, so bear with me. I don't obsess about this on a daily basis...these are just a few of the things that keep my brain busy all the time.

Physical Changes: Marcel Proust

"Time, which changes people, does not alter the image we have retained of them." ~Marcel Proust

It is funny how things pop up in suddenly in a spate of similar incidents. This week, I had several conversations about physical appearance and in the last few weeks, I have been trying to notice those kinds of changes because it seems expected of me.

1. Friend asks if she has lost enough weight for it to be noticable. (I hadn't noticed...) 
2. Friend is wearing new glasses but it takes me a week to notice them. When I do notice, I realize right away that they have been wearing them for a while.
3. Friend has lost significant amount of weight. I comment on it and they tell me a story about how their family has not mentioned their change in lifestyle and physical appearance.

My story for them is the same...I don't SEE them, I see THEM. I know it doesn't seem like it is that different when you see those words in writing...I rarely notice people's new haircuts. I notice bright clothes or new cute shoes or a change of hair color (if it is dramatic), but things like new glasses, losing/gaining a few pounds - those changes in physical appearance don't phase me. I'm not sure why...I think because my heart just sees the person. I see "Bob", not "Bob" looking great or terrible or tired or with a new piercing. It sounds stupid, I know...I usually notice all kinds of little, insignificant details and they clog up my brain, but these things don't really register for me right away.

When my friend Chris was sick (see November posts), people would say to me, "Oh, he is SO thin..." but he had always been painfully thin, so he just was Chris to me. People said he looked ill and I couldn't really see it. I guess the glass I see through for these things is a bit distorted - like my mind took a photograph of them and superimposed it on top of what they really look like. Even when Roby was sick, he just looked like my beautiful friend, Roby. All I could see was the radiance that flowed out of him for me.

One conversation made me think that I should try to be more aware, so that is where I commented on my friend's glasses and on my other friend's weight loss...I guess it feels weird to me because what I really care about is the person - are they happy? are they feeling well? do they need anything? it is good to see them... It seems weird to have to apologize for seeing the beauty that is them even when they have a crappy haircut.  I know it is important to folks to have their people recognize these changes, so I am willing to try to SEE the real image instead of the remembered one.    

Change is Creation: Henri Bergson

"To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly." ~Henri Bergson

I just talked with a co-worker today and we have agreed to take a class together.  This is very exciting and fits under the category of "creating oneself endlessly".  I love classes - little peeks into other worlds.  The peek either opens your own world a bit or makes you really happy that you live in your world and not the one you are peeking at.  

If I won the lottery, the main thing I would do with the money (after an initial investment so that I wouldn't have to worry about retirement) is go back to school.  Being an interpreter made me curious about so many things...I don't want to change careers...I just want to learn more.  I would love to study Human Resource stuff, Art Therapy...I would love to go to cooking school.  I would love to learn how to edit film and to learn about photography.  I want to learn how to bind books and make paper and how to write a memoir.  I would love to take personal finance classes and classes on Dream Weaver so that I could make a fabulous website that might live up to the images in my head.  Pottery, digitizing old film/slides, different kinds of art.  I'd love to take a theatre appreciation class...and maybe a speed reading class.

I guess that isn't so much creation as renovation.  I would love to be a person who is continually renovated - like those people who are always doing something to their house - perennial make-overs.  Wouldn't that be fun?  (I guess I'm more daring with my person than I am with my hair.)

I'm sure there are many other ways I need to be renovated, but that is a subject for a whole different post. Smile.

Change the Theme: Jean Miller

"Oh, for the love of Pete! Change the theme already!" ~Jean Miller

That's right...I'm quoting the little voice in my head...I started out strong, but man, is it hard to talk about change in meaningful ways EVERY DAY.  I keep looking for quotes that relate to my mood, my thoughts, etc.  I'm fresh out.  And I'm out of the energy to look for more quotes.  Luckily, quoting myself is only against my own rules, and those can be broken without dire consequences. Smile.

I went back to work yesterday for a very long day and then a frustrating day in the snow today where I found that PT Cruisers have a weird little light that shows when your tires are sliding/skidding on ice and not able to find traction.  I was stuck for an HOUR with the public safety folks driving around like maniacs where I was.  It was annoying and a little bit stressful to see their big SUV careening towards me on the solid block of ice that was the road.  I finally made it to work and had one of those days that I just couldn't get it together.  By the time I got home, I was exhausted and took a nap immediately after arriving home.

Here are a couple of terrible photos from my sidekick when I was stuck today.

Change is Becoming: Lynn Hall

"We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves." ~Lynn Hall

As I was driving home today, I was remembering the panic a friend of mine had when he was coming up on his 30th?? birthday. When I asked him what he was worried about, he said, "I won't be relevant in the MTV polls anymore!" Those polls only really focused on viewers from age 17-29.

For me, aging has been a process of unfolding and discovering - I am changed in some ways, but I relate to the idea of becoming more clearly myself. Roby died right after his 29th birthday and I couldn't imagine what I would do without him as a 30 year old, a 35 year old, 40 year old. When he died, I was lost to myself - he had been sick and so our eating habits had changed, our social circle had tightened up. I didn't know what kind of food I liked, what kind of movies I liked, what kind of music made my heart sing...I saw everything through his eyes. Every day we had was a miracle and we never knew how long it was going to last, so I just kept experiencing life with him, through him, until I couldn't anymore.

Now, I am not afraid to say what books I like or if I liked a movie or and actor or to show a preference for an ethnic restaurant instead of one that serves American food. He didn't hold me back - he just shone so brightly that sometimes, it was easier to just stare into the light instead of always trying to shield my eyes. I don't regret a minute of it - but I think it gave me a true view of this BECOMING. I am not so changed from who I was. I am just more confident. More comfortable. More Jean. As Dr. Seuss would say, "Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You."

Change Your Destiny: Tony Robbins

"It's in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped." ~ Anthony Robbins 

This post is about a movie, based on a true story, where the people involved made decisions that literally SAVED their lives - their destiny was completely altered (or fulfilled, depending upon your belief system) by the decisions they made. Powerful stuff.

I have been meaning to write something about the movie I saw last Monday. I knew the minute I saw the trailer that I wanted to see "Defiance". I always see movies about the Holocaust...I lived in Germany as a child (what was West Germany at the time) and my father's good friend was an Auschwitz survivor. We visited Dachau and Anne Frank's house and those early experiences sparked something in me that made me want to learn more, to remember the Holocaust and the survivors and work towards educating people in whatever small ways that I can.

I thought the movie was very well cast, well acted and told a unique story about the Holocaust – a story about unlikely heroes, who by happenstance, saved about 1200 Jewish people from the Nazis in Belorussia. Four brothers (Daniel Craig, Liev Schrieber, Jamie Bell and George McKay) escape to the forest to avoid capture by the encroaching Nazis. Their story is unique and true – based on the book, “Defiance: The Bielski Partisans” by Nechama Tec. I have not read the book, so I can’t speak to the film’s adherence to its original text.

I can say that Edward Zwick’s usual beautiful style is present here, but also elements that ring true for me. One thing I hate is when I am watching a movie about the Holocaust (or any movie that takes place outside of the U.S.) and anyone who would normally have an accent (to us) speaks with an English accent OR, half the people in the film speak with an accent and the famous U.S. actors (cough, Tom Cruise) have their usual American accent. This film does not do that. Are the accents authentic – I’m no expert, but they sounded good to me. Hearing an American accent in a film like this just yanks me out of the story.

One line that really stuck with me was said by Tuvia Bielski, Daniel Craig’s character: “Every day of freedom is an act of faith.” How apropos after this week in our country…to just stop and realize that we have SO MUCH…we have so much freedom that we take for granted every day. I like the reminder that freedom isn’t free – and I don’t mean that in the “Join the army” way. I just mean that we are the lucky recipients of hard-won rights and freedoms and it doesn’t hurt to remember that blood was spilled on our behalf – by soldiers, by civilians. We are incredibly lucky and maybe a little faith in humanity wouldn’t go amiss.

Anyway, off my soapbox. I just wanted to share thoughts on a good movie. I cried, I was moved. I became a Daniel Craig fan and I fell in love with Alexa Davalos and Mia Wasikowska (Lilka and Chaya). I have always loved Liev Schrieber. Enjoy the trailer here and there is a second, different one at www.defiancemovie.com.

Resisting Change: Carl Jung

"What you resist, persists." ~Carl Jung

Do you think colds and flu count in this theory?  'cause I have been resisting...I have been getting more sleep, taking Sambucol syrup, taking my Vitamins (including extra D3- all the rage), drinking tons of water and I'M STILL SICK!!  What's that about, anyway?

I thought it was a headcold with all its usual symptoms, but yesterday, fluey symptoms came...headcold and the flu!  That's not right!  

So, I am going back to bed to sleep through Armageddon and/or Titanic (good lord, has it been 10 years...) again.  I don't know why the noise of it is comforting, but I will take sleep where I can get it.

Change is a Cocoon: Unknown

"If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies." ~Author Unknown

What a grand way to look at change!  It is so hard to make true and lasting change in our lives, in the world.  But to think that at the end it might be as beautiful as a monarch butterfly - wouldn't that make us jump onboard?

I am still feeling under the weather today, but I think I was able to put all the *yuck* from yesterday into perspective.  Changing the view usually helps a bit. :)

I know that all this talk of change is probably a bit repetetive - I am trying to explore the different aspects of change as I see it, but I think, by day 23, it has become more difficult to talk about change in new or different or relevant ways.  Bear with me. :)  I'm just trying something new in the blog. 

In the spirit of changing things up for you, dear readers, I decided to send you on a journey, if you choose to take it.  When I was younger, I found a book called, "I Never Saw Another Butterfly", a book of poetry, art and stories by children who were held and most likely died at Terezin Concentration camp.  This book shows their courage and ability to maintain some hope, to cope with the most horrific circumstances and still hold a light up to the darkness.  I don't know if the story is true, but I read that when the Allied forces entered Terazin, they were going from building to building to find survivors and when they entered the children's ward, they noticed that there were strange colors in the knotholes in the wood of the building. Upon investigating, they found that the children had hidden their poems and drawings there in hopes that they would not be destroyed.

Anyway, the Holocaust Museum in Houston has a "Butterfly Project" that I think is really beautiful.  Read about it here and see if you'd like to participate.  If you do, I would love to see a photo of your handmade butterfly.  I will post them here.

Discomfort and Change: M. Scott Peck

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.~M. Scott Peck

Well, if deeply uncomfortable is a prerequisite for a fine moment, I am on my way to some kind of miracle. I can't really go into details...

I will, however, say that I am sick and that makes everything so much worse.  I am feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated and out of ideas about how to stave it off.  I know that all the things I am doing to maintain my personal joys are helping - reading, this blog, personal connections, exploring how I can change my expectations and my perspective, however, I am out of energy and out of stiff-upper-lippy-ness.

I will return when I am feeling better. 

Change in the Right Places: Robert E. Quinn

"When we see the need for deep change, we usually see it as something that needs to take place in someone else. In our roles of authority, such as parent, teacher, or boss, we are particularly quick to direct others to change. Such directives often fail, and we respond to the resistance by increasing our efforts. The power struggle that follows seldom results in change or brings about excellence. One of the most important insights about the need to bring about deep change in others has to do with where deep change actually starts."
~ Robert E. Quinn

Of all the changes I have written about so far this month, this is the most challenging but, I think, the most rewarding. I have not perfected this way of thinking but continually try to look at situations and think, "What is my part in this? What do I need to do differently? Can I respond differently? Is there another angle that I have not seen?"

My challenge is to remain calm while in the midst of these thoughts. Often, when I most need to be thinking them, my mind has probably left my body. I wish I was a more placid person sometimes. Having strong emotional reactions has its pros and cons - a pro is that I do have strong feelings about things. A con is that...I have strong feelings about things. I express them in certain ways that sometimes are either intimidating or distasteful to others. I have worked all my life to reign that in...it is a daily struggle.

I'm not sure if I've shared this story here before, so forgive me if I repeat myself. I just had a flash, so even though it is a little off-point, I'm going ahead...

When I was in the second grade, there was a girl in my class, Jill Foreman, who I admired and wanted to be friends with. She was one of those girls - beautiful, petit, waist-length golden hair. Everyone wanted to be around her and protect her and she seemed like she knew it. She and some of her friends were teasing me on the way home from school at one point. I was already tall enough that when we went to the base movie theatre, they asked for ID to prove I was under age 10. My mother had always drilled into us, "Never hit people who are smaller than you." (I'm pretty sure there were other caveats - don't hit people at all...but that isn't part of this story). I didn't say anything and didn't say anything and one day, she said something (I don't remember what) and I just SNAPPED! But I KNEW I could NOT hit her - she was at least a foot shorter than me...so, I picked her up and threw her in a mud puddle. After a satisfying splash, I turned and walked home, satisfied in the knowledge that I had not broken the rule.

When I arrived home, I confessed all to my mother, who is a saint for not laughing out loud at the absurdity of it all. Within minutes, the phone was ringing (a black, WWII era rotary phone) with Jill's mother on the line...apparently, she had been wearing a brand new coat and what was my mother going to do about it. (This story is much funnier in person, by the way...)

Needless to say, reigning in some of my reactions is difficult at times, but I know that sometimes all it takes is me changing my mind, changing the angle, changing my reaction. It's that old saying that if you are pointing at someone with one finger there are 4 others pointing back at you. I believe it, I work at it, but it is still the hardest kind of change there is. Initiating the change in myself.

"Waiting on the World to Change" - DPAN

I thought it was appropriate to post this video from DPAN (Deaf Performing Artists Network)during my January CHANGE month, however, as you might have read in posts throughout the month, I'm not sure "waiting" is the way to make change happen...Anyway, enjoy!

We are the Change: Barack Obama

"Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek." ~ Barack Obama



What else is there to say today, really?

Changing the Chain Reaction: Martin Luther King, Jr.

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction....The chain reaction of evil--hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars--must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation." ~Martin Luther King, Jr., Strength To Love, 1963.

Martin Luther King, Jr. has always been one of my heroes.  I still can't listen to him speak without crying.  Today, on the day we have chosen to honor his birthday, I feel a sense of Dr. King looking down on us and smiling.  I know that all the dreams he spoke of have not come to fruition, but my goodness, to have Barack Obama sworn in as the President of the United States of America the day after we honor Dr. King's birthday and life, that is definitely a step in the right direction.

Martin Luther King, Jr. epitomizes CHANGE to me.  This month I am looking at all kinds of change from small changes we make in our personal lives to the changes in the country to changes needed in the world.  

Below are two of Dr. King's most famous speeches - "I Have a Dream" from the 1963 March on Washington and the end of his final speech.

"I Have A Dream" Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. at the March on Washington

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. at the end of his last sermon

Peter, Paul and Mary - "Blowin' in the Wind"

Happy Birthday, Dr. King.

Revolutionary Change: Thomas Jefferson

"Every generation needs a new revolution."~ Thomas Jefferson

We are only days away from this generation's revolution.  On Tuesday, Janaury 20, 2009, the United States of America will inaugurate its first African-American president.  More importantly, we are moving towards a brighter future - ending 8 dark years.

The road for Barack Obama is not an easy one - it will not be easy for any of us in the days and months ahead, but we are moving towards a big change.  Regardless of your political beliefs, this new president heralds in a new era.  It is exhilerating and nerve-wracking at the same time.

Today, I went to Powell's Bookstore and I saw a copy of the 30th Anniversary Edition of "Roots" by Alex Haley.  I didn't buy it yet because I have a big stack of books at home, but it is on my list.  It is one of the most powerful reads of my life and I can't wait to read it again.  It was in a display near "What Barack Obama is Reading"- I think it was in preparation for Black History Month in February.  In any case, I want to re-read it as soon as possible.

I read this beautiful poem by Langston Hughes in the Oregonian newspaper today:

I, Too, Sing America  
by Langston Hughes 


I, too, sing America.

I am the darker brother.
They send me to eat in the kitchen
When company comes,
But I laugh,
And eat well,
And grow strong.

Tomorrow,
I'll be at the table
When company comes.
Nobody'll dare
Say to me,
"Eat in the kitchen,"
Then.

Besides, 
They'll see how beautiful I am
And be ashamed--

I, too, am America.

I know that this post is somewhat random and scattered, but it is about how much America has changed, how much we want to change and how far we still have to go.

"Don't you know, we're talking about a revolution...it sounds like a whisper..." (Tracy Chapman)

Change and Perception: Belasco and Stayer

"Change is hard because people overestimate the value of what they have—and underestimate the value of what they may gain by giving that up."— James Belasco and Ralph Stayer"Flight of the Buffalo"(1994)

The first time I was really old enough to be present and aware when we moved was when we moved from Panama City, Florida to Portland (well, a suburb of Portland, anyway).  I was 12 and had just left a home and a school and a neighborhood full of military kids - kids who had lived all over the world and who moved a lot and who's dad often did something mysterious for a living...there were always kids around to play with - even if sometimes they weren't the kids you were hoping to play with.  I had a southern accent and I was used to swimming every day in summer, riding my bike all over creation, stores called TG&Y and Winn-Dixie and Church's Fried Chicken and Capt'n D's.  Here, we moved to a house on a busy street across from a "development" - a place with a neighborhood association and rules about who could play in their parks and playgrounds and who couldn't.  There were never any kids outside playing - even in the summer...the swimming pools required you to pay per hour.  We had paid for the entire day, getting out only when the lifeguards yelled, "Adult swim!  Everybody under 18 out of the pool!" and we would all get out and run around for 30 minutes while the adults swam - splash-free.

I remember distinctly a day, maybe a month or so into the school year when I was in the 7th grade...all the kids had known each other practically since birth, they had all gone to the same schools and had already developed their cliques.  I had an accent and I spoke yearningly of my old life.  I had gone to a "sixth grade center" the year before - an experiment to separate the older kids from the kindergarteners, train them to the more complex world of junior high school but at the same time, protect them from the 9th graders.  My burgeoning friendships were weighed down by my longing for the past.  My inability to grasp the new and embrace it really hindered me in those early days.  One day, I could just see it in one of my friend-acquaintance's eyes - "If you say, 'when I was in Florida' one more time...".  So I stopped saying it.  And that was the beginning of not missing it so much.

For a military kid, it was a pretty easy lesson to learn.  Even if my friend hadn't had that reaction, that phrase would have worked its way out soon - I was used to moving and finding new friends ASAP - adapting to the new life.  It took a little longer here just because of the radical changes, but I got there.

Romanticizing the past is such a human thing to do - we make our fallen leaders, our old friends, our family members, our favorite stars seem like more than they were...What would JFK's legacy be had he lived?  Or MLK's?  What would Roby's life have been like if he had lived? What would more could Heath Ledger have done had he lived? Or Elvis? Marilyn?  We long for the past that was mythically easier (or harder when that is more convenient).  I understand it.  I do it, too.

But I like the reminder.  If your hands are full of the past, you can't pick up anything new. 

The Roots of Change: Pauline R. Kezer

"Continuity gives us roots; change gives us branches, letting us stretch and grow and reach new heights." ~Pauline R. Kezer

I like this quote because the implication (in my opinion) is that you have to have some continuity as the base for the branches of change. If I have a solid foundation to stand on, I can try, do and branch out to all kinds of things. When I read this quote, I realized that sometimes I look for the continuity in the wrong places.

The continuity in my world is me...my choices, my friends and family, myself. I have to root myself in my beliefs, in my values, in my integrity and all the world can whiz by and the seasons can change and years pass by in seconds and it will all be ok because I am me and I am grounded in that. I guess that is what age brings - the stillness of self. Not in a bad, rutty, stagnant way, but in the zen, peaceful, calm stillness of knowing that everything will be ok.

For anyone who knows me - stillness and calm are not words that anyone would choose to describe me but there is an internal stillness, settledness that has nothing to do with excitability.

Does any of this make sense?

Change the View: Dr. Wayne Dyer

"The way we look at something actually changes what we are looking at." ~Dr. Wayne Dyer

I think this is the essence of change, isn't it?

Daily, I am challenged to see the world, my job, my decisions, people in my life, in a new light. To question my perspective, my assumptions, my world view, my reasons for action. Finding a positive reason, finding ways to see the good, to understand people, or at least to have more patience - these are the challenges I face.

I know that if I can just look at something in the daylight instead of the dark, I can find good. I can CHANGE MY MIND. The hardest change of all - changing my mind.

Change Without Expiration Dates: George Eliot

"It is never too late to become what you might have been." ~ George Eliot

I love this quote. I don't really look back at my life and regret choices I have made or wonder what might have been. I do think that I can be better, do better, become the best version of myself. There are certainly paths I wish I had taken, but the road leads back around to those paths eventually.

When I was little - by the time I was 6, I was in love with books and the only thing I wanted to do, the only career I ever considered, was to be a teacher. I have always worshipped my teachers (see December Thanks-Giving posts for more details)but when my life finally arrived to the decision-making place, teaching was not the path I took. Mostly, I couldn't see the path...I felt like I was SUPPOSED to know how to pick the best college, how to get a scholarship, how to get into the right program... That pressure cowed me into not pursuing it at all. Add to that the fact that a month before I graduated from high school, my father was laid off from his job and there went a four year university. But, fast forward 10 years and I was beginning to teach in an interpreter training program. Different than I had imagined, but I became what I wanted to be - a teacher.

The only other thing I ever wanted to do in my life was to write...I started writing stories when I was pretty young...My mother says that she realized I was going to write when I was in the first grade and she went to a parent night and read some sentence I had written about the moon. She said she'd never heard of a six-year-old writing like that (she can't remember what exactly I'd written). After that, I started experimenting with writing. I wrote stories, copied stories that I liked, I fell in love with books and a short story that I never forgot - "The Scarlet Ibis"...I copied information out of the encyclopedia because I wanted to soak it all in and I think I believed that even copying stories would help me figure out how to write my own. In high school, I wrote poetry, wrote for the newspaper, took creative writing. I earned quite a bit of noteriety that way, but I never wrote the way I wanted to...I always wanted to be a more erudite writer - more sophisticated. Mostly, I have always written in a very conversational way and people know it is me when they read whatever it is that I wrote. I lost confidence in my writing for a long time. This blog is really my first venture back in about 10 years...after Roby died, I processed some of my grief through poetry, but it was so personal and raw...then I kind of gave it up to be busy. I have been running busy for a long time until finally, in the last few years, it didn't hurt so much to stand still. I think this blog was one of the ways that I have finally been able to stand to be with my thoughts. Another circular path.

What I might have been is who I still can be. I love that it is never too late. There is no expiration date. No deadline, except for the DEAD line. And I'm actively becoming. Actively being. That's a pretty good place to be.